Every once in a while, a spider decides to shake it booty in front of one of my surveillance cameras. It’s always late at night and they usually look pretty drunk. What I can’t decide is if they’re coming on to the camera or me.
It could be the camera I suppose. They do have a single ‘eye’ stalk for the PIR sensor and six addition infrared ‘eyes’ which I guess make them quite a catch for any single arachnid. And that’s not to mention the main lens over which they tend to strategically place their behinds. But you see, that’s exactly what makes me think they know exactly what’s really going on – that the camera is really just a proxy – it’s all eyes – a lookout. They know something bigger (tastier?) must be watching and are trying to get my attention.
So then the question is, are their intentions honorable? Are they trying to lure me out with the promise of some sweet, sweet spider lovin’ only to suck me dry in the most graphically literal sense possible or are they just lonely? I’m constantly torn between guilt and fear whenever this happens. What should I do?
As a barbarian warlord, one of the rules I live by is: When in doubt KILL THAT UGLY THING! What’s that spider gonna do any way, give you a web job? Have you ever had a web job? They’re not as good as the movies make them seem, they’re all dry and sticky and full of dead moths. They never show the dead moths on HBO, do they? Just take up your weapon and KILL THAT UGLY THING!
Besides, you do NOT want to wake up inside a web with no pants on. The wriggle-your-way-out-of-a-web of shame is just the worst.
