Spousal Conflict Resolution

In My Humble Opinion
1

You want A.

Your spouse wants B.

The only possibilities are A or B.

How do you resolve the conflict?

How do you resolve the conflict without the other spouse getting disgruntled about having to hash it out to arrive at the best decision?

How do you resolve the conflict without one spouse getting disgruntled about not “getting their way?”

Example: My wife and a friend take the baby in the front yard with the dog to enjoy a couple hours outdoors. This is a typical suburban house, but only about 15-20 feet of front yard and sidewalk until you hit the street.

The dog is hanging out on the grass, off-leash. The dog is generally very obedient, stays very close to us, and listens well but is not formally trained. The dog is also a whippet, capable of bolting at high speeds in an instant.

We take him off leash at the river, and he’s always within about 50 feet of us at all times and listens well. The only time he didn’t listen was when he took off after a rabbit. The rabbit ditched him and he promptly came back to my voice from out of the woods.

My wife is watering the plants. Our friend is entertaining the baby. They are both keeping an eye on the dog, who is sitting and wandering a bit closely up by the house, not by the street.

I go out front and I see this. My reaction is that, although the dog is generally good this way, the dog is generally unsafe off-leash and could get distracted and end up in the street. If my wife and the friend suddenly had to take care of the baby, who has health problems and sometimes requires immediate undivided attention, then the dog would be unwatched. The baby is medically fragile.

My thought was there is possibly great risk to having the dog off leash and no reward, so why do it? The dog will be just about as content to be outside with everyone even if he’s leashed, so let’s leash him with a stake in the ground. We have a stake and a leash. Why take this risk (unnecessary risk IMHO)?

I raised my concern, and my wife thought everything was fine as-is. I disagreed. She disagreed back. I wasn’t about to escalate the matter and go into a big debate with the friend there. I also thought that a discussion would get us nowhere and one of us had to “win.” Either the dog is leashed or not. There is no middle ground. I also wanted to protect the dog.

Many times, in this kind of situation, I give in to her because keeping the peace is more important than the issue at hand. Now and then, I stand my ground if the issue is important enough. This is one of those times because I care too much about the dog to allow this.

I went and got a hammer and a stake. When my wife saw this, she got very upset and instructed me to just put the dog inside. So I did.

She came to me later and was upset that I had “trumped” her “again” and she insisted the dog was fine off leash. Other dogs had walked by and our dog did not react or end up in the street. She was comfortable having two people watching the dog off leash, plus the baby.

I explained that, often, when we have conflict, she gets her way (so it’s not like I’m always “trumping” her). I also explained that although she was comfortable with the situation, I was not comfortable with the situation.

Anyway, she’s mad now.

Things like this come up more than just this. It doesn’t help that our lives are very stressful due to our daughter’s constant health needs. Taking care of our daughter is draining enough, but when we disagree and have to hash it out, that is just adding an additional stressor and emotional suck. So I thought some general conflict resolution tips would help.

2

My first thought is for both of you - you have to stop keeping score. The end. Thinking and remembering when one of you got “your way” is destructive and poisons the well of a current discussion.

In regard to this specific disagreement, I don’t see why there couldn’t be a discussion. Would there have been a problem with you guys agreeing to put the dog in until the friend left, and then talking about it later?

When faced with a disagreement, my husband and I always try to list our pros/cons (even using a notebook if necessary) and then honestly listening to the other one while we discuss them. The listening is the hardest part, since either or I will hear one part of one comment, and then start crafting a rebuttal in our head, completely tuning out the rest of the comment. That is very frustrating for both parties.

I know this is all Vulcan, but acting like a Vulcan works. We never yell, call names, or keep score, and we’re stronger for it, I think. He’s better at it than me, and we still fight, but our fights don’t seem to linger.

It’s also easy to say all of this when I know you guys are experiencing one of the absolute worst things ever right now. Just don’t keep score, remember how much you love each other, and if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it.

3

I am not suggesting this as the only possible option, but my wife and I discovered that there were certain areas where we had conflict. Some of them were tasks about which we disagreed, like your example of taking care of the dog.

Our resolution was that one partner or the other had primary responsibility, and the other had no input until he or she was asked. That means “I’ll be responsible for the dog today” and if that means the dog is running loose, the other person has nothing to say about it. Next time, when the dog is your responsibility, you can leash him to a stake and nobody gets to say otherwise.

My best wishes and prayers for your daughter, btw.

Regards,
Shodan

4

It depends.

In that sort of situation, I generally find that solving the problem by changing my actions is easier and less likely to lead to conflict than if I try to change someone else’s. So I would simply have taken the dog back inside with me from the first. If she asked why, I’d say, “You’re watching the baby; it’s cool. Love you!” and walked inside.

If that led to an argument, then it’s probably not really the dog you’re arguing about. It’s that she thinks you think she’s incompetent or something, and that’s a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

But, generally speaking, what **Sateryn76 **said. We talk about, weigh the pros and cons together and come to a decision together. One of those pros/cons is how strongly we each feel about the matter under discussion. If it’s something I could really go either way on, it’s not worth an argument. So generally, the fact that I’m even discussing it is a pretty clear indication that the topic is very important to me, and he gets that. And vice-versa.

5

Bearflag, would counseling be a possibility?

Marriage counselors are expert at this very sort of thing - teaching people better ways to communicate and resolve conflict. And they can help tailor the methods to the particular people involved, because everyone has their own style of communication.

Having been through several medical situations (although never with a child, which must be absolutely horrendous), I totally understand the stress involved. And often little conflicts that might normally be brushed off, get blown out of proportion when you’re under stress. A counselor can help y’all figure out ways to deal with that stress, too.

6

I politely raised my concern, she raised hers, and we disagreed. Had the discussion continued, based upon experience, it would have boiled down to a socially awkward and frustrating discussion of “I do/don’t think the dog is fine off leash.”

I wanted a safety precaution, but I knew she wanted the dog to be outside. That’s why I went for the stake instead of just putting the dog inside. My feeling was that she would not have agreed to put the dog inside because she saw no problem with having the dog off leash in the first place.

Point taken about keeping score. I often yield to her, and sometimes it can be frustrating. This is especially true when I yield on lots and lots of things because the fight just isn’t worth the trouble. She often takes little notice when I yield, but she really takes notice when I don’t yield.

7

That would still lead to her being upset about it because I am taking action to “trump” her desire to have the dog (1) outside; and (2) off leash. I figured with the stake, at least the dog would still be outside.

8

I would not have asked about the dog. By asking you put yourself in the position of questioning your wife’s competence, in public. She told you she was fine watching the dog, and then you went ahead against her decision anyway.

If you had your mind made up, why ask?

9

I didn’t make up my mind until after the dialogue. I spotted what I thought was a hazard and I raised the issue.

Once it became clear the discussion would not go anywhere, I had to weigh the cost-benefit and decide whether to just let it go or take some action. Normally, I let things go. I felt this circumstance warranted taking action.

10

The friend is someone who we pay a little bit to help us a few days a week taking care of the baby, if that matters.

11

Yeah, kinda this too. When my husband passively-aggressively tries to skirt the issue, I go a little crazy. She also may have been embarrassed about not realizing the dog may have been in danger. Or maybe the dog wasn’t in danger, really, and you were overthinking it.

Have you thought about your position as well, to see if maybe you were being unreasonable? After thinking about things, I sometimes realize I’m being unreasonable, but for a totally different reason.

12

Stupid question - have you asked your wife for suggestions on how to reduce this kind of frustration?

Regards,
Shodan

13

I am more than happy to consider my position to be unreasonable. By way of background, I’m an attorney and I read about and deal with cases all the time where seemingly competent people in innocent situations with the best of intentions end up in terrible situations where simple precautions could have prevented a tragedy. So, I tend to see potential hazards that may go unnoticed by others and I try to take precautions accordingly. As soon as I saw the dog there, I thought to myself that I don’t want to be the family full of regret with the dead dog wondering why we just didn’t simply leash him.

14

That’s not a stupid question and yes, we need to have that discussion.

15

Geez, I don’t know. Very open and clear communication helps, but that depends on how compatible you are with another person in your communication style and temperment. Ideally you would always have logical discussions over disagreements, and most of the time both would agree to compromise to some degree out of respect for the other’s wishes/feelings. Very few relationships are this way, though, and those are usually between two very phlegmatic people who don’t get invested in these conflicts or lose their tempers.

If one person tends to knuckle under too much to keep the peace that’s not good either. If you feel like she overrides your preferences disproportionately, that’s something in the relationship that needs work and change. You need to tell her how you feel about it.

I will say that I think it’s utterly ridiculous of your wife to be angry because you were so uncomfortable with the safety of the dog that you had to intervene in the situation, even though she disagreed with your opinion. I’m personally invested in this because I’ve seen my own dog get hit twice because she saw something while off lead and ran into the street, and I’ve seen many other people’s animals get hurt or killed as well because the owners prefer to take that risk rather than taking a small precaution. Any dog who has a history of bolting very quickly after things (like any sight hound does) is at risk unrestrained when there are roads nearby. When your dog can reach 35 miles per hour in 15 seconds, ‘watching’ it is a meaningless concept. There’s nothing personal against your wife, about this risk being unacceptable to you.

I tend to get very annoyed when people value doing things just how they please, over basic safety, even that of their cherieshed kids and pets (or their own lives). I see it a lot.

16

Counseling.

Based on what you’ve said here, y’all have a very unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. Both of you feel abused when you don’t get your way, both of you keep score about who’s done what to whom, neither of you communicate well with the other, neither of you deal well with conflict nor know how to constructively resolve conflict.

And now you’re in a high-stress situation of a type that can wreck marriages.

Counseling.

FWIW, I had this discussion multiple times with my family. We ended up spending the cost of a low-end used car to get that dog fixed. Yeah, we have some issues, too, but we’re working on them. :stuck_out_tongue:

17

What kind of answer were you looking for then? Either the dog was fine on its own or it wasn’t. Your wife said the dog was fine. If you don’t like that answer then you should have never asked the question.

18

This is something everyone does. EVERYONE. Including you.

19

We’re both quite independent-minded and headstrong, so we do butt heads.

20

At first glance, all I basically thought was, “This looks dangerous, I need to raise the issue.” So I did. I don’t recall the exact conversation but it probably went something like this:

Me: That looks risky, shouldn’t he be on a leash?

Her: No, he’s fine. We’re watching him.

Me: But he could get distracted by another dog or something and end up in the street.

Her: No, he’s fine the way he is.

Me: (Now seeing that each of them had their primary focus on doing other things … namely, watering plants and playing with baby) But you guys might get distracted or the baby might need help and you won’t be able to watch him.

Her: (With an annoyed tone) He’s fine.

As this went on, the more I saw the facts and assessed the risk. I went back inside. I thought for a second and decided the risk was unacceptable to me and the conversation was going nowhere. I took it upon myself to go get the stake and hammer.

When I first raised the issue, I figured she simply failed to fully appreciate the risk of the situation and would possibly agree to leash the dog upon request.