I’d be pissed, of course. However, I readily admit that I failed to properly discuss the matter before attempting to exercise control. We resolved that had I expressed my concern more constructively, she would have gladly leashed the dog, and no wresting control would have occurred.
Sorry, I must have missed that.
Do you think that the issue of frustration over the handling of the dog, (maybe by both you and her) is a venting of the stress and maybe frustration over the helplessness each of you feel about your daughter?
In some ways, that’s probably true. “They” say some of the most stressful things in life are having a baby, switching jobs, moving, and financial problems. Thanks to the diagnosis, we’re going through the stress of all of these things combined on top of the diagnosis and all the work that goes with it.
I think that would be a very good idea. Is it possible that your wife is feeling very unsure of herself right now because of all the crap that’s going on, and she needs more re-assurance from you than usual?
I think so. Also, if I see her doing something and I think there may be a better/safer way to do it, I need to be able to constructively raise that issue without triggering her defenses. This has been an issue, even when I use I statements and try to raise standard of care issues as gently as possible.
Yes, the way I phrased it here was petty but my concern was more that her decisions are unilateral while mine are expected to be bilateral. That’s antithetical to the notion of a marriage being of co-equal partners.
Funny, I see it the other way- her decisions get left alone only if you don’t pop in and do what you want. Like the blanket, she placed it where she felt best. You commented on the warmth of the day and when she didn’t move it herself, you just stepped in and moved it. I don’t mean that to be snide, but just to show how it can be viewed from the other side.
I think you guys have a huge amount of stress and sometimes communicate at cross purposes.
I’m trying to reconcile it with what I said.
She thinks blanket placement is important. Instead of asking me what I think and coming to a mutual decision on an important issue, she silently and unilaterally exercised her judgment and placed the blanket how she saw fit. This is acceptable.
As we walk, the heat of the day becomes apparent to me. I unilaterally exercised my judgment and placed the blanket how I saw fit. This was unacceptable on my part. I should have voiced my concern and engaged in a discussion of proper blanket placement under the circumstances, requesting her approval of my desire to place the blanket a certain way.
How is this not a case of unequal power? How to resolve it?
I’m not trying to defend your wife, just play devil’s advocate, so may be you can see it from another perspective. In the scenario you wrote about her judgement was already teh default position, so when you moved it, after commenting in the heat, it could be perceived as superseding your judgment. If you had set the blanket first and she did it, that would be the same.
But again, it’s so not about the blanket. Really. The blanket is a trivial example of a larger issue that is bothering her.
The problem is that when she moved the blanket, you did not exercise your judgment before her. She didn’t supersede your judgement with her’s because you didn’t make any decisions.
When you moved the blanket, it was after she made a decision about the blanket. You superseded her judgement.
That’s why I told you earlier that you should have leashed the dog without asking her. That way you would just be exercising your own judgment without changing a decision she had made.
ETA: Can everyone read my mind? I really need to start using preview when I reply to this thread.
OK, so maybe the way to look at it in general principles for future reference is that when one spouse makes a unilateral decision, then that decision becomes the default and can only be reversed by the other politely raising the concern with an I statement and requesting the spouse who made the initial decision to reverse it. Otherwise, the initial decision stands and we let it go.
Obviously that won’t work in all cases, emergencies, etc., but it should work as a general rule for everyday things.
Just one last bit- using language like “unilateral decisions” is overly cold sounding. It would put me on the defensive if my husband approached me to talk about it like that. I imagine she hardly thinks she’s making unilateral decisions. She made a decision- unilateral or not didn’t come into play.
Best advice I coudl give is this: this is a sensitive area for her- be nice about it. I bet there is something you are sensitive about that she’s trying to be nice about too. 
Agreed. I would not talk about it like this to her. I’m putting in quasi legal speak here so I can relate to it better and file it away in my head as a general set of rules I can apply. That’s how my brain works.
That’s cool. My husband used to revert to business speak and that was always tough for me- he has since gotten better! He thinks about it that way, but comes to the table with compassionate husband speak.
I understand what you're saying, but you might have an easier time yourself if you stop thinking of these as "unilateral decisions" and think of them as "decisions". You and your wife no doubt each make dozens of "unilateral decisions" in an average day- most of them you don't notice , and if you did you probably wouldn't think they were important enough to call unilateral.Thinking of them as "unilateral decisions" gives them an importance that they may not deserve.
I won't address the dog issue since i don't know your dog. Regarding the blanket however, I assume that your wife did not put such a heavy blanket on your daughter on such a hot day that your daughter's health was in danger. If that's true ,I suspect that your wife doesn't think blanket placement is all that important and probably wouldn't have cared if you put the blanket where you did at the beginning of the walk. On the other hand, feeling like you don't trust her judgement, or that her most trivial decisions are subject to being overrruled by you is probably a very big deal to her, *even if you don't do it often*
Bearflag70, I am sad but not surprised to hear that you and your wife are struggling in your relationship. Having a child with a serious illness is a marriage-killer. I am a therapist, and I specialize in helping adults with illnesses, but I have seen a few parents, too. If you can’t get to therapy (and I understand the logistics), have you done any reading on the emotional side of having a child who is ill? You guys are both trying to cope, but this is just incredibly hard. When things get hard, we start misunderstanding each other. It is just human nature. There are some good books, and I would be happy to recommend some if you would like.
You mentioned time away—absolutely. You both need some respite. Weekly, not yearly. If there is any way to arrange that, do. You guys are on the road to burnout, and that won’t do Getty any good. I cannot encourage this strongly enough.
My heart goes out to you. I have cared for my husband, and now my mother, and as hard as that was, it is nothing like a child.
Thank you. Reading materials would help. We had a good talk this morning and it was very constructive. We are getting a counselor on board.
Essentially, we are better understanding that there were some issues before the diagnosis that were magnified by the diagnosis. Other issues arose with the diagnosis.
One of the best nuggets that came from our conversation was that we have been frustrated with our docs about their reactionary posture when it came to our daughter’s health. You need to be proactive with health issues surrounding this disease and proactive in getting expert help. However, when it comes to martial issues, we have been reactionary when we should have been more proactive in getting expert help.
We are eager to help newly diagnosed families deal with this disease. I think part of our advice to the newly diagnosed will be not only to proactively get doctors on board but also to get a marriage and/or crisis counselor on board early.
marital? 
Seconding this. Are there any children’s hospices near you? They aren’t just for children who are dying, they usually work with any child with a life-limiting disease and often offer respite care. That way Getty would be with caring professionals, rather than well-meaning but untrained family or friends. They also often offer counselling and other services to the whole family.
Great idea, rekkah. Please take steps to make this happen, Bearflag. You and your wife need this.
In terms of books, I would recommend Shelter from the Storm and A Different Dream for My Child.