I’m a software developer working on a stock trading application. Every week I have to write a quick summary of what I’ve been working on. A few weeks ago my actual acomplishments were looking a bit meager (must have spent too much time here that week), so I padded my report with a false, joke achievement. My supervisor liked it so much that I was inspired to end all my status reports with a small joke. The only problem is I’m not all that clever. I’m running out of ideas and could really use some suggestions. Here’s what I have so far:
9/22/2000
Oh, and I resolved that whole unpleasant Middle East situation. It turns out it was all just a big misunderstanding. I vow never to get so far behind on my phone calls again!
9/29/2000
I also proved that causality is an illusion. The seeming flow of time as an ordered linear sequence of events is simply an artifact of the human perspective. I should have a working prototype of a time machine by mid to late next week.
!keew siht rof ti tuoba s’thaT
10/6/200
I also developed a sure-fire system for predicting the fluctuations in the stock market. Unfortunately, it relies on David Niven being alive and married to Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. (Don’t even ask. It’s a very complicated formula.) Yes, these are some formidable obstacles, but I remain cautiously optimistic.
10/13/2000
In regards to my stock market prediction scheme, I was able to locate both David Niven’s burial site and a nearby voodoo queen specializing in reanimation. (You gotta love the Internet.) Now I just have to convince Queen Beatrix to marry him. That may not be so easy since the years of interment have somewhat affected Mr. Niven’s unassuming English good looks. Plus he tends to moan a lot, and wander around looking for fresh brains to eat. Still, try to name a royal that doesn’t have a few quirks. I have Chrisjan working on some introductions, but for someone who says he’s semi-fluent in Dutch, he seems to be having an inordinate amount of trouble with, “Would you like to marry the zombie David Niven, your highness?”
10/20/2000
With the revenant David Niven and Queen Beatrix agreeing to “just be friends”, my market prediction scheme appears to be dead. David is also a bit bummed out, but he’s looking forward to restarting his acting career. He hopes to get some publicity from a “Zombies That Have Been Dumped by European Royalty” segment that will air on Jerry Springer next week. He was lucky to get the call for such a prestigious show, and it’s only because Celine Dion was bumped off at the last minute. She did have a brief affair with Prince Philip, but surprisingly, she’s not a zombie! It turns out that those hideous shrieking sounds she produces are not the pitiful wails of the undead longing to be returned to the tranquility of the grave, but are merely her attempts to sing.
10/27/2000
???