It’s very true that becoming a parent gives one no expertise, but it does provide a minimum level of experience. Also (and this is especially true in my case) having gone through this experience made me a LOT more understanding towards other parents and their choices. This is a moot point, since the OP has two kids, but I suspected she was lacking that empathy because of a lack of experience. I was wrong, though.
it sounds like you already figured this out but just to share thoughts – to me these sound like examples of them giving you information that you didn’t have already. They are teachers, I’m guessing you are not (I could be wrong) so they are giving you the teachers perspective that you don’t have. In this case, you’ve gotten through raising toddlers and they haven’t yet, but in their eyes does that make you someone with new information to add about day-care choices? Because yeah, when you add no new information other than to say that you don’t think what they are doing is a good idea, that will generally come off as criticism.
If you have new information (your kids reacted this way at that age, you noticed your niece did XYZ at day-care today) then you can tell them that, without necessarily telling them what you think they should do about it.
I didn’t make any assumptions about whether you had kids or not (didn’t really think about it), but if I had to guess, I’d say people assumed you didn’t because, in my experience, non-parents are more likely than parents to believe that they know exactly how other people should be raising their kids. As a general thing, people who have kids seem to be more aware that most kid-related decisions involve multiple factors and aren’t black and white. (I know I was a lot less aware of the complexity of this whole process before Widget came along.)
For me, the real question is this: what makes you believe that you’re better placed than your brother and sister-in-law to assess what’s best for their family? And i mean that seriously, not bitchily. From what you say, these are good, loving people with functioning brains. Presumably they’ve thought hard about the options and decided this is the best one. Presumably, also, they know more about the workings of their family than you do. Like you, I can’t imagine voluntarily making this choice for us - but no way am I qualified to decide it’s wrong for any other family.
And just to say it again in case it got lost in the mix: please, please be careful not to let your niece get the impression that you think daycare is some terrible thing that’s being unfairly inflicted on her. That can only do damage all round, especially to her.
Er. Did you actually read the part where I said that they could continue to pay the daycare for those days (so the mother would NOT be on the hook for long-term care, and could quit at any time) and the entire paragraph where I said
But to answer your question, I would MUCH rather have my mother-in-law watching my daughter than daycare. She raised my husband and did a really fine job at it, too, as well as with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, and I know a great deal more about her child-rearing philosophies from talking to her and my husband over the years than I’m likely to know from a couple of parent-teacher conferences with the daycare. Now, my mom… yeeeeah. Maybe. I also generally approve of her child-rearing philosophies, but would like my instructions to be followed without getting in a huge fight about it.
There are legitimately harmful things out there that you can do to a kid, and people choose to focus their attention on daycare. Really?
I’m no parent, but I went through many different arrangements when I was growing up. The year before I started elementary school, I went to a montessori program. Or, in line with the tone of the thread, got my ass shipped out there - cuz you know, it’s a prison and all. Some people in this thread rag about them, but speak for yourselves! I loved it - so many fun things to learn, so many fun activities to participate in, and so many friends to play with. Yes friends not strangers.
Yeah well, I could tell you how much I enjoyed it, how I would not hesitate to do it all over again, and how it is silly to think of it as punishment or something that is lethal when taken in large doses; what is so bad about sending a kid to daycare everyday, even if there is a parent at home? There are benefits to such programs beyond some sort of substitute care. Sure, not all programs are created equal, but the caretakers/teachers are not mere strangers; 20+ years later at one of my montessori teacher’s retirement party, hundreds of her former students and their parents made a point of showing up, including me. Anyway, nothing I say will change peoples minds because I think most already have a strong opinion about it, like they do with a gazillion of other things - single parents, mothers who aren’t physically present with their kds 24/7, parents who pay for their kids’ college tuition and expenses, the list goes on and on.
I thought parents were supposed to be busy people, so where did they get all this free time to sit on their asses and judge other parents for the most inconsequential things in an Aunt Petuna / Uncle Vernon sort of way, hm?
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While I think that 2 years in general is a bit early, my own mother was a stay-at-home-mum, too, and yet sent each of us three kids to kindergarden (at age 4, I think). That’s so we would get socalisation and get accustomed to playing and sharing with other kids. (There’s no preparation for primary school in kindergardens in Germany - you learn your ABC and 1-10 in first grade, not in kindergarden). Learning to sit still while listening to a story prepared for school in a general way, as did following instructions doing craft things.
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You have the impression that the niece doesn’t like the daycare. Aside from the real transformation that most kids go through once the adult is out of sight*, can you change the situation by talking with your sister?
If the situation won’t change - because your sister is overwhelmed, but you aren’t going to adopt the niece - then leave it be, and do your part by taking the niece and being as nice to her as you can. -
You say your sister has been medically cleared - only physically? Does she maybe have depressions or similar that make bonding with the niece difficult? You could suggest gently that she get help in that direction to deal with the children.
- that’s why the professionals employed at Kindergardens recommend to worried parents with crying kids: “Go away and hide behind the door, and watch covertly ten minutes later … and you will see a happy kid playing, no tears at all.” It’s true in almost all cases.
Absolutely, I HATED the fact that my first child had to go to daycare when he was so young. The fact that someone would choose this without it being a necessity bugs me so yes, right on. I believe young children should be nurtured at home with their family up until they are at least able to communicate verbally. Sometimes this isn’t possible, in this situation it is. As far as my two children. It is hard to say what forms a personality. My son is a bit more insecure and needy but that could be just the way he is regardless of where he spent more of his days at age 2.
People are taking exception to the word “stranger”. They aren’t family, they do not love my niece, they have other kids to care for and if she left tomorrow, it is doubtful one would shed a tear. They are doing a job and when they stop doing that job, another person will be brought in to replace them.
I think the problem is, I don’t consider this a “Normal” parenting decision. I consider it a convenient one. Still, not mine to make. However, I can say without a doubt, if my mother said she would watch my niece each and every day, that is where she would be. They were very disappointed when she didn’t volunteer since my niece picks up so many illnesses from the school that she literally has spend 1/3 of her life ill with colds, ear infections and sore throats. The new baby was recently ill and it was assumed the illness was brought home by sissy from day care since he hadn’t really been out yet.
Sigh…
Celtling’s teachers know her much better than any family member other than myself. If I had to be away for a long period (say over 6 hours) I would feel much more comfortable hiring one of them to come and stay with her than leaving her with my Mother, or any other family member. And I do think there would be many tears shed if I changed Celtling’s school. Her old teachers always stop in the hall to give her a hug when they see her; and the Director who went on to another position e-mails for updates on her.
Another aspect of that comfort is I think, quite germane: Her teachers are receptive to my parenting decisions and style, and do their best to remain consistent with it when they care for her. Family members are far more likely to try and insert their own styles (i.e. yelling/punishing; or pushing her to eat more than she’s hungry for.)
As for illness, she’s going to go through those viruses at some point. Better it happen now, while her Mother is not working, than later while she’s trying to hold on to a job.
I also think you are missing the fact that the new baby is getting more complete attention, when it’s most needed, because of this. What about what’s fair to him/her?
It’s a bottom line agree-to-disagree thing here. I’m not trying to change your mind, just to show you that there really can be loving and intelligent thought behind the decision to send a child to daycare.
It could well be. My wife and I did everything we could to keep our girl home as long as we could, but at eight months we had to put her in daycare. I set aside the first week of her daycare to stay with her as long as necessary to ease the transition, but it quickly became apparent that she didn’t need me to. She’s a wonderful, loving child, but she took pretty well to other people also.
Who gives a crap if it’s a normal decision? You don’t win a prize for being normal. If, however, you do the things that make you and your family happy, that’s a prize in itself.
Okay, I’m still confused about this. As far as I can tell from this post and your other posts, your brother and sister-in-law WANT your mom to watch your niece as much as she can. She has volunteered to do so two days a week. I’m sure the day care would be happy to take their money for 5 days a week and only watch niece for three, thus saving her spot for 5 days for when your sister-in-law returns to work and/or your mom gets tired of watching her. This would cost them exactly the same, would let niece be with grandma twice a week, and would mean the niece wouldn’t have a 30-min. commute for 2 days a week (quite frankly, the 30-min. commute every day makes me sadder for her than the daycare situation – poor kid!)
…So why don’t they do this? I must be missing something. Do they think that since they’re paying for it they might as well use it? I think that’s weird if they think that the kid would be better off with your mom.