Stay at Home vs Working

Great Debates
1

My husband and I are starting to talk about starting a family (very preliminary stages here). At this point in our lives, it would not be possible for me to quit my job, but I’m not sure I’d be comfortable being a working mom.

My question is, is it immoral to work and leave the kid in daycare?

My mother (who went back to work when I was 6 wks old) argues that it sets a good example for a child if the mother is out in the world making her own living, having a successful career, etc. She criticizes my sister-in-law for staying at home because she thinks she is wasting her potential and should be more ambitious in terms of a career. Can you tell which generation my mom is in?
I think for my brother and me, the effects were positive (or at least, not negative)…we’re both very independent and have done well in life.

On the other hand, deep down I think it would be selfish of me to leave the child with someone else while I work. I also think that maybe I wouldn’t be as bonded to my kid as I should.

I know there are a lot of women, especially single mothers, who have to work. But when given a choice between making financial sacrifices and staying home, or continuing to work, is it WRONG to work?

2

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It’s not wrong. Your own example, of yourself and your brother, should prove that to you. This is an old question, that I thought had been answered long ago. Clearly, your mother thinks that it’s not wrong. What I found incredible was the flip-flop in attitudes that produced criticisms of stay-at-homes. Maybe it’s time for another flip. Or maybe you’re a bit too sensitive to your mother’s misguided attempts at trying to be encouraging.
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rocks</font>

3

I don’t have kids, so what do I know, but…

My personal choice would be to stay home with my kids, at least until they were in school full time. I do think that it makes a difference in a child’s life if they are primarily cared for by their mother who loves them more than life itself, or by someone with 6 credit hours of early childhood education earning $8 an hour. I’m sure there are many fine day care workers, but as any mother will tell you, no-one loves a child as it’s mother does. I think having mom at home provides the child a strong sense of security and stability, as well.
Personally, I do not want to miss out on seeing my child take her first steps or speak her first word. I want to bask in every possible moment of her growth. My biological clock is ticking, and the louder it ticks, the more maternal instincts I feel. I think it would break my heart to hand my precious bundle over to someone else for 9 to 10 hours every day.
As to whether or not it’s wrong to put a child in day care, I think that is a personal decision with no moral absolutes. I think a child can turn out fine either way. My personal opinion is that it is bettter for the child if the mother stays home, but I don’t think less of anyone who has made a different decision. I do sometimes get a bit irked when women I know who are married and financially secure whine that they so much want to stay home with their kids, but have to work—this being said while pulling their Lexus into their three car garage of their 5 bedroom house on a acre and a half of land. But that’s another matter entirely.

“I should not take bribes and Minister Bal Bahadur KC should not do so either. But if clerks take a bribe of Rs 50-60 after a hard day’s work, it is not an issue.” ----Krishna Prasad Bhattarai, Current Prime Minister of Nepal

4

Hell, no!
I am so tired of hearing this stupid stuff. If you put your child in a decent day care he or she will be fine as long as you don’t work 12 hours a day or ignore him outside of work.
Working or not working outside the home when you have children is not a MORAL choice.
My daughter went to day care when she was 6 weeks old. Not only did she enjoy it–she learned how to get along with other children which is something she would not have done staying home with me. I pretty much was a full time mom from her 3rd grade to 9th grade–actually I was a graduate student but I was pretty much home when she was. That was ok and we both enjoyed it–but it certainly wasn’t more moral than working.
Frankly, I think staying at home with your kids when they are little is overrated. In the old days, you’d have scads of brothers, sisters, and neighbor children to play with. Now, the one or two children stay at home with only Mom, don’t learn how to give and take, expect to be entertained 24-7, and are egocentric little brats with high self-esteem and little consideration for others. A lot of people talk about how kids in day care get sick more often. There is some speculation that kids need to get sick–that exposure to common diseases somehow helps the immune system. I’m sorry I don’t have a citation for that.
Anyway, you do what you want to do. If you want to stay home and can afford it–do it. If you want to go to work, dammit, don’t feel one bit guilty!
One last comment–when my own mother finally went back to work, I was so darn relieved. She was HELL to live with as a full time mom. Once she had something to occupy her time she wasn’t always screaming at us and going ballistic. Life was a lot more pleasant!

General Caveat # 1. Hyperbole was used in this posting. The writer of this post is well aware that not every situation will reflect this hyperbole.

5

There is no speculation about this, its a known fact. Your immunities come from two sources: your mother when you are a newborn (you lose these after a few weeks or months, but continue to have them if you are breastfed) - and those your immune system develops itself by exposure to infections. This is the whole principle of vaccination - expose someone to a dead or weak virus so their immune system can learn to deal with it.

That said - I agree that for some people it is definitely better for their mom to work! My mom really needed to be doing something more intellectually and socially stimulating than staying home with us kids - she was often unhappy and we suffered for it in some ways. On the other hand, we were all well prepared for school since she spent so much time teaching us before we even went to kindergarten - but preschools and day care do this as well.

I don’t think it is a moral choice. Personally, I’d prefer my wife to stay home with the kids (I don’t have any yet) if she is the type of person that could enjoy doing so and not go crazy. Part of my career motivation is to ensure that I can afford this - but if it never works out that way it won’t break my heart and its pretty obvious it won’t ruin the kids.

6

When your kids get older, they won’t need day care any more, either. The question, though, is how much older they need to be before you can leave them alone on their own.

My brother and I were “latch-key kids”. From the time I was 9 and my brother was 7-1/2, we’d come home from school at 3 PM and be alone in the house until a little after 5 PM, when our mom came home from her nursing job. (Well, okay, I came home at 3 PM. My brother was more social and hung out with his friends from school until about 5-6 PM.)

The thing was, I never had any problems with this arrangement. My brother sometimes forgot his house key and would then be locked out if I wasn’t home already, but this wasn’t because he was younger than me; he didn’t routinely remember his house key until after he was 10, despite my parents’ attempts to tie it with a string to the belt loop over his right front pocket. But that was never a big deal.

Now I’m hearing that California has laws against leaving your kids unsupervised any time before they’re 12 years old. Twelve?!?! Gah! They’ve got to be kidding! Only the bottom-of-the-curb drooling idjit kids would need to be watched over until they’re 12. The parents should be allowed to decide when it’s okay for their kids to be left alone. Sure, they’ll make some mistakes, but throwing parents in jail or yanking their kids away from them because they both work and don’t want to send their 11-year-old to day care reeks of nanny-state-ism.

The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.

7

Thanks, Cooper–Sometimes I need help in remembering the obvious :slight_smile:

8

It’s not an either / or decision. My husband is self-employed, so he can more or less work whatever hours he wants. We had our son (now 5) while I was in graduate school. Since then, I’ve worked a couple of jobs but always with flexible hours. For the most part, we’ve been able to juggle our schedules so that our son has never been in day care. For those occassions when we both absoultely have to be at work at the same time, I trade babysitting with a friend who has a child the same age and works at home. It’s not always easy and the first couple of years my husband and I didn’t see each other a lot, but it’s definitely do-able.

9

Wife has done daycare out of our home for the last six years, she has probably cared for over 30 different kids.

Here are a few observations:

Kids who start early adjust very well. That is before the age of one.

Kids who start late, after age 3, are harder to deal with…especially if they are an only child.

If the parents spend a lot of time with the child outside of daycare hours, the child will do very well in day care.

Most important choose your daycare carefully.
Usually the lower the number of kids the better the care, if you use in home care try to get someone who is liscensed.

Don’t be afraid to pull your child out in an instant if you perceive a problem.

Good luck on your descision.

10

I’m going to be facing the same decision and it’s really hard. The first year, I will definitely stay home (I telecommute anyway, so I could still work a few hours here and there if I got restless), but after that I wonder if I would be depriving my child by keeping him home with me.

I have friends who send their kids to daycare even when they’re on vacation from work because they see it as education, not babysitting. It seems that a good early education center has a lot to offer in the years when my child will be most open to learning. Can I really teach him as much as he’d learn from all that social interaction with other kids and trained educators?

Actually, I’d love to see some half-day parent-and-child schooling for tots. I could still be with him most of the day, but we could participate in lots of group activities both together and apart. I’ll have to look around for something like that.

11

I have a 3 month old daughter with whom my wife stays home while I work.

I admit that it’s highly possible we might be raising an egocentric brat by providing 24/7 undivided care, but this is OK BY ME!

At this early age, the response that my daughter gives us from 1 on 1 attention is absolutely incredible. I just don’t see her getting that same level anywhere else.

Being exposed to weakened disease, does indeed bolster the immune system, but with a newborn infant this is not worth the risk. A cold or other minor illness can be VERY dangerous to a child for the first 6 months.

My wife may return to work after 6-12 months, but at this stage we don’t think it’s worth it. This is what life’s all about, isn’t it? I envy her the time and wish we could switch roles.

Most corporations have a pretty liberal leave of absence policy for newborns with up to 6 months off without any penalties.

I do think those first months are absolutely critical, and would trust nothing other than m wife or myself.

I don’t think morality comes into it all. I think you need to make the best decision based on your circumstances.

Good luck!

12

Or, of course, their father.

I would have LOVED to have been a stay-at-home parent. But somebody had to earn a paycheck. As between my earning capabilities as a lawyer, and my husband’s as a teacher, the choice was a no-brainer: he stayed home with the kids until Youngest Son was in school. He went back to work teaching four or five years ago. And he’s usually at home by 3:45 four days a week, so the most that the kids are at the house alone after school (alone meaning all three, ages almost 15, 11 1/2, and almost 10) is about a half an hour. They call me at work as soon as they get home to see what they can have for a snack.

It is one of the great disappointments of my life that I didn’t get to stay home with my kids. If I won the lottery this weekend, I’d be trying to get pregnant again.

BUT, that does not mean that that is the perfect choice for everybody. I think that there are some kids who will do well in all situations, and some kids who will do poorly in all situations. It depends on the kid, and possibly on the parent’s attitude, too.

I wouldn’t sorry about them not learning to get along with others if they are stay-at-homes. There are more stay-at-homes than you think, and lots of activities to get involved in, at the park, the library, etc., as they get older. When they hit four you can put 'em in preschool for half a day three days a week, and that works on socializing them to get ready for school.

I think the bottom line is, do what you and your husband want to do, accentuate the positives in that situation and downplay the negatives, and don’t worry what your mom or other people have to say. I do always appreciate getting someone else’s perspective and opinion, but I always reserve the final decision to myself. It’s a good way to operate.

-Melin

Siamese attack puppet – California

13

I’m not a mom and don’t plan on being one, but here are my thoughts.

My best friend, a single mom hated the fact she couldn’t stay at home to care for her kids. One son is constantly in trouble which doubles her stress of being a working mom (her now ex husband had left her here in town with only the clothes in her suitcase and two kids, literally.)

My sis-in-law is a full-time stay at home mom. The kids have been sick lately and she was at home for six days straight with no other contact with adults or anyone except my brother.

Now, here’s my scenario if I ever had kids and could afford it. Take three months off to get a handle on the mommy thing then find a part-time job that keeps me in the adult world. But that’s just me.

Personally, I would go bonkers if I didn’t have adult contact.

Problem solved :slight_smile:

14

As I see it, your options are to selfishly go back to work to earn a few bucks, or to selfishly stay home while your husband works, so you don’t feel guilty about leaving your kid alone. Either way, you’re selfishly adding to the population of an already over-crowded world.

In other words, whatever you do, someone’s not going to like it. Make your decision and don’t second-guess yourself.

And at least you won’t be one of those selfish couples who don’t even HAVE kids. :wink:

It is too clear, and so it is hard to see.

15

I’m currently a stay at home mom (kinda against my will) of a 7 month old boy. I was downsized 3 weeks before his birth, and I’m still looking for work. (Jobs in my field aren’t plentiful here.)
I LOVE my little boy, but I feel so trapped, lonely, and scared about the finances that I’m not enjoying this time as much as I could be. I want to talk to adults for a few hours a day, earn my own money (not that my hubby is stingy at all, mind you), and wear clothes that match.
When I hear people remind me how “lucky” I am, I want to throttle them. I didn’t work full time during college to do this. I need outside work as well as my family to feel balanced. I guess my point is that you need to do what makes you happy, and your child will benefit from your choice.
And BTW, maybe this thread could’ve been titled, “Work at home or work outside the home”? Because BOTH are real work as far as I’m concerned. My son doesn’t sleep through the night yet (!!) and my husband now expects to be waited on hand and foot, so I work much harder than I ever did outside the home, for no pay and little appreciation (so it seems some days).
Thanks for listening, folks.
Prairie Rose

If you’re not part of the solution you’re just scumming up the bottom of the beaker.

16

Hmmm…not much of a debate, I guess. You all are right, of course - do what is best for our family and disregard the criticisms we’ll get for making either decision.
I guess I’ve just listened to Dr. Laura a few too many times.
My company only gives 6 wks family leave - maybe we’ll just move to Australia, where some companies give 9 months! I could live with that and still go back to work.

17

I agree with Melin on this issue. Whatever you decide is what you have to live with. If you show any doubts or insecurities about staying at home or working full time for pay outside the home, your child/ren will pick up on these and hone in on it .

I personally think for my situation, staying at home is best. The income I earned prior would be eaten up in daycare and because the traffic situation here is abyssmal, I would have spent most of my waking parenting hours talking to my child via the rear view mirror.

You know what, we have the same amount of money in the bank as we did with a dual income and our bills get paid. Spending on frivolous stuff ( music, books, entertaining, travel) are nearly non existant now and all the spending really goes into groceries and diapers. I really don’t miss them that much, but I knew to enjoy them while I had the opportunity.

i wpould write more but my new boss needs to be fed…

18

I’ve been a stay at home mom for four years, since my son was born. Sometimes I do feel isolated, but all things considered it has definately been worth it.

I realize that Scylla was using hyperbole, but I’ve run across this sentiment a lot lately, and I must speak out. In my personal experience, I’ve found that the children who have a parent at home are as well behaved, if not better behaved, than children who go to daycare. I think that it is not so much an issue of who is providing the care, than the quality of the care.

Like Melin said, a stay at home child is not necessarily going to be deprived of opportunities to interact with other children. My son has tons of friends, and has learned from gritty playground experience how to share (and what happens when you don’t!), how to face rejection (and that annoying kid who won’t leave you alone) and has proudly picked up as many bad habits as any day care child out there.

Now all of us moms can feel guilty! Yipee! Seriously, I don’t think either choice is bad or good, like everybody else said, it’s a question of what will work best for each individual family. It just amazes me how many people are so critical of the idea of a woman staying at home to care for her children. I mean, if we said these kind of things about a man staying at home to care for his children, it’d be considered sexist.

19

Lcuky said words to the effect that no-one can love a child like the mother. While this is Great Debates and not the Pit, I must reply

Bullshit.

We just had another case recently in the Twin Cities of a mom killing her kids (6 of them), a 15 year old leaving her newborn in the garbage, and moms who beat their children to death. If the maternal instinct (or the paternal one) really existed in humans, we wouldn’t be so screwed up.
tatertot said that kids raised at home (especially only kids) by stay-at-home mom are as nice and socially well-adjusted, etc. Sorry, but after teaching a class in family communication, that’s just not so ON THE WHOLE. Tatertot probably does a great job with her kids. But teachers across the country complain that kids raised with virtually undivided attention (breathless atnicipation of their first step, word, etc.) generally ARE spoiled brats who make teaching them very dificult.

Do you have a gift that you can share with the world greater than your child or children? If not, stay at home if possible. If you do, don’t hog it all on your kids.

Bucky

Oh, well. We can always make more killbots.

20

I know this sounds simplistic, but have you considered going back to work part-time? I was lucky enough to have very flexible employers when my first child was very young. I was able to work 2 days a week from 3:00 to whenever I got my work done. Since my husband got home at 5:30, my daughter was only in child care for 5 hours a week. (I had a teenager watch her when she got home from school until my husband got home.)

My children are older now and are in school most of the day. My neighbor and I trade off. I get her kids on and off the bus two days a week while she works and she gets my kids on and off the bus two days a week while I work. No child care expenses, it’s convenient, I trust her, and everyone’s happy!

And I’m fortunate to be working for a fortune 100 company that offers flex time, part-time and job sharing. Research your local companies. Some are becoming quite responsive to needs such as yours.

So, if benefits aren’t a necessity, I’d highly recommend part-time work. It keeps your foot in the door, keeps your job-skills updated, gives you some extra cash, and most importantly increases the time we can spend with our children.

Good luck!