I don’t know what to tell you since he flat out told you that he’d make things ugly, but do you think things would be better if you went ahead and got a divorce? It may get crazy at first, but in the end, it might be better to go through this now and be happy later on.
Coming from the child’s perspective, I wish my parents divorced. They were fighting since I could remember, and it terrified me that they would do something to each other. My brother and I begged my mom to divorce him and we’d leave with her, but she said that they had to stay together for us. True, my dad did support us, but the fighting and bickering was too much growing up. Whenever my dad left on a business trip, that’s when things in the house got better and we were really a family. Till this day I hate going home when he’s there because he just picks fights with everyone -_- Why they’re still not divorced, I’ll never understand…
WVmom , It sounds like we’re in very similar situations. There’s something about being apart so much that makes the person staying at home lose feelings and the person who’s travelling keep theirs. Maybe because we’re home making everything work just fine without them and they’re gone remembering all the good times we had togother at home.
When my husband travelled a lot he treated me like nobody so when he left I just didn’t think about him at all. He would never call so it was easy. Now he’s apologized for how he behaved but it doesn’t take away what he did or the distance it put between us.
Am I thinking about what to do? Yes. in a little more than a year we’re going to have our 20th anniversary. If things aren’t better by then we’ll split up. I feel like somewhere inside me is the ability to love him again. We should try couselling but I feel like that would be a waste of time if I’m not committed to staying together. My friends went to couselling and the couselor recommended the book Divorce Busters . I read it and it helps a lot. It’s not about looking into the past and analyzing your feelings, it’s about things to DO to make things better right now.
Feel free to email me at any time. I feel like none of my friends understand what I’m going through. To be married to someone I have no feelings for is like being dead.
From the OP:
I came in here to say what Snickers already said; your kids are (I hope) grown up enough to handle a discussion about this, provided you and your husband can handle it like adults. I agree that you should discuss this with your husband before hand and try to get him involved. If your husband isn’t agreeable to a “family meeting”, do it yourself. Remember though, you have to be an adult about it. I also think you should disregard your husband’s threats and file for divorce anyway (if that’s truly what you want). Inform your lawyer that your husband promised a messy divorce, and then get on with it.
I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot, but I’m sure you can work out of it. Good luck.
Ditto.
No common interests, no love, no sex… I can understand why you want to bail. What eludes me is why you husband wants to stay.
Yeah, well, that confuses me, too. That’s part of the guilt, too. I think he would be way better off with someone that wants him around, but he insists that no one else will do. He says that if I divorce him I’ll be taking his life away from him, ripping his heart out. I feel like I don’t have much of a life now.
**Snickers ** and Silver Fire, I think the kids are old enough to handle it, but I don’t really want to make them part of the decision making. It seems like it would be hard enough to handle the divorce, much less be apart of initiating it or, alternatively, stopping it.
SP2263, I read Divorce Busters, and that’s pretty much what stopped me from forcing the divorce issue last time I brought it up. The book basically says to do whatever you can to prevent a divorce, especially when there are kids involved. I decided at that point to give the book to my husband to see what he would do, but I don’t think he ever finished reading it. I didn’t find any good solid advice in there on how to revive a dead marriage, but I am working on self-improvement to be able to handle whatever comes.
I don’t know about the kids, but I look forward to the times that my husband goes out of town for a few days. Things just seem so much more relaxed. The kids like it, because I let them get away with things that my husband doesn’t, like having more friends over and not being so obsessive about keeping things clean.
Some people’s aversion to change is stronger than their drive for happiness.
Silver Fire, “counseling” doesn’t necessarily mean “counseling as a couple,” which is what the OP mentioned in her OP. Counseling alone or with her children–with someone who can actually talk to her and appraise the situation from a richer media then text on a message board–should be a part of any decision this important. Preferably someone who knows her and her husband–a religious leader, perhaps. IMHO, the “The kids will actually be better off after the divorce–it’s so much better then having unhappy parents” meme isn’t true nearly as frequently as people (especially divorced parents that use it to excuse their own actions) would like to believe. You can’t say how her kids would handle it if you don’t know her kids.
I have absolutely nothing to contribute, other than to say that it is soooooo heartening to read that I am not the only one in this situation. If I had to write a synopsis of my present state of marital bliss, all I would have to do is change the gender pronouns of the OP.
I Love this place.
I Love you guys.
getting misty…gotta…go…
This sounds so much like my parents. About four years ago, my mom left my dad after being absolutely miserable for at least 10 of their 22 years together. My sisters and I knew she was unhappy. It wasn’t a comfortable house to live in…not a lot of actual fighting, but quite a lot of tension, and my mother was extremely moody.
One of my sisters and I had already moved out by the time she left, but my youngest sister was still in high school. It was toughest on her, I think. There was a LOT of anger towards my mom. My sisters and I despised her for leaving dad, because all we saw after she left was what she left behind, my father, absolutely devestated, cutting himself, drinking heavily. He told me one night that he had put a pistol in his mouth and nearly pulled the trigger, but stopped for the sake of his daughters. I moved back to be there for my sister and for him. I lived there for three years, and I finally started to see why my mother had to leave. My dad’s a total jerk sometimes. Actually, I like him lots better now that I don’t live with him anymore. 
Anyway, it all came out with a relatively happy ending. My father has (mostly) moved on. He’s remarried now to someone who’s happy to be with him. He still refuses to go to any family functions where my mom will be present, which worries me, since I’ll be getting married in the next couple years and I’d like to have both my parents present. Even his new wife, despite being a horrific bitch, has told him that he needs to get over that.
My mom is living alone in a big city like she’s always wanted. She’s dating, gaining self-confidence, and doing pretty damn well.
My sisters and I have gained some perspective and forgiven my mother, though we still take issue with her method of leaving (she told us she was going on vacation to visit her dad for a week, then never came back). However, she and I have a much better relationship now than we ever did when she was still with my dad.
So, sure, I still feel nostalgia for when I was a kid and my parents still loved each other and everything was hunky dory, but things change. I’m happy they broke up, because they’re happier now.
It’s different for everyone, of course, but from my personal experience, waiting until your kids are older does not make it better for them. My parents waited until I was out of college (I lived at home through college) and married later that year before my dad pulled out the divorce papers. It was something like two months after my wedding. I knew in high school that my dad cheated on my mom. So why they didn’t divorce then, when I told my mom that I knew about his affair, I don’t know.
I’m the youngest (by far) of four, and was the angriest at first (there was another woman involved, and I seriously wanted to kill her and my dad). But I was also the first to really come around and accept it. None of us took it well, and I don’t think my sisters have still gotten over it. One of my sisters went into therapy after it happened. So, I guess my point is, I wish they hadn’t waited. Would it have been easier for us? Maybe not. But it definitely wasn’t any better when we were older.
I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide.