Stop it, you fucking stapler-crazed monkeys!

The BBQ Pit
#1

That is not how you’re supposed to use a stapler!!

My current job (Friday is my last day, thankfully) is doing data entry for a government organization. It’s convinced me that the higher up the paygrade you go, the more idiotic you get. What I do is take big stacks of paperwork that’ve already been checked and edited for validity by other people who get paid more than I do, and type various stuff into a computer program. More often than not the pages are back-to-back. These documents are anywhere from two to twenty or so pages long.

Now, one would assume that for such things, the standard formula of “one staple in the top-left corner” would be used, right? Right.

So, listen up, you little government-addled doofs: STOP USING FIVE STAPLES PER DOCUMENT. For one, that’s wasteful. Two, that makes my job A LOT FUCKING HARDER. When you put a staple in the top left corner, then midway down the page on the left, then one midway across the page on the top, and then another one across the top, you fuck things up for those of us in data. Ever notice that books are bound ON ONLY ONE SIDE? That’s because if you effectively seal a stack of paper on two sides, YOU CAN’T READ BEYOND THE FIRST PAGE without MANGLING it.

What’s the big deal, you may ask? Just grab a staple-remover and fix the problem yourself? Well, A) I don’t have a staple remover, they won’t give me one, and I’m not about to go buy one. B) I’m supposed to be entering both a certain number of documents and a certain number of keystrokes per hour. It’s a lot, which wouldn’t be a big problem - if they factored ‘idiotic staple spewers’ into the formula used to calculate how good I am at my job. They don’t think "Oh, some jerkdribble in edit might PUT A FUCKING STAPLE THREE INCHES FROM THE NEAREST EDGE OF THE PAPER, because they are idiots, and that might slow down the data entry’. No, they think ‘type fast’, so it reflects badly on me when I’m slow. C) Once I pry the pages apart from the shiny fastner that Mr. Grits-for-brains kindly put there entirely needlessly, there likely will be a hole in the page. That’s what happens when you use a tool to poke holes in paper. If this is, say, running down the side of a front-and-back document, it may obscure the VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION on the back of that document. When I can’t read what the numbers are I can’t enter them, which both slows down my keystrokes and reduces my accuracy.

So, to those fine stapler-wielding turdmuffins: YOUR STAPLER IS NOT PAC-MAN. You do not get points for the more things you chomp down on. You’re not going to get a bonus on your paycheck if you put five staples on one document, nor do you get creativity or artistry awards when you differ from the norm, such as stapling the BOTTOM of the page in addition to the top. There is no reason why any emotionally healthy adult would use a stapler in such a manner. STOP IT, fuckers. ONE staple, TOP LEFT CORNER. That’s ALL.

#2

If you want to request an office supply item, use the form 332J-0142, entitled “Office Supply Requisition Form”. You must explain why you need the item and have your manager sign the form, then submit the form in triplicate to the Office Supply Office. If approved, your office supplies will be available in 2-4 weeks.

If you want to file a complaint about another employee’s misuse of office supplies, use the form 332J-0187, entitled “Misuse of Office Supply Report Form.” You must describe the items in question, the names of the accused, and the alleged misuse that you witnessed. You must also cite the proper use of the items, using the book 332J-0000, entitled Office Supply Reference Guide. You must have your manager sign the form, then submit the form in triplicate to the Office Supply Office, Misuse of Office Supply Suboffice. Your complaint will be reviewed, and you will receive a response within 4-6 weeks. You may be asked to appear at an arbitration as specififed in the book 001A-0000, entitled Employee Rights And Duties.

#3

$1.99 could save you a lot of stress… are you sure you won’t buy one?

If it’s the principle of the thing, I suggest you steal something of equal value from your office.

#4

Staples.

Dealing with documents like receipts and invoices and statements after someone whose idea of good filing is to staple the new thing to all the other things that have already been stapled together, again and again and again …

I tell ya – some stapler users should sit for a license before allowed within sniffin’ distance of the equipment.

#5

With 5 staples per document, you know they’re having fun with their coveted red Swingline…

#6

The solution is simple.

#7

Oh, I get this at my job too. Ten staples all on top of each other. Staples on the upper *right * hand corner. Staples at an opposite angle because “that’s just how I do it.” Staples on backwards. I have a staple remover, thankfully, but removing 10 at a time? Ridiculous.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sliced my finger open on a metal piece that was stuck in the sheaf of papers. I HATE staples! Paper clips are your friend. They’re smooth…reuseable…big…make pretty necklaces…

I seriously want to find all the staplers in this office and throw them in a swamp. The way this office works, it’ll be 3 months before they get new ones. :rolleyes:

#8

I hate the ones who staple CHECKS to other pieces of paper and then put them in the mail.

Hey, asswipe. See that rectangular thing that closes? That’s called an ENVELOPE. When you put a check in there and then seal it…it’s magic! The check won’t fall out!

STOP STAPLING THE FUCKING CHECKS TO YOUR NOTE! When that’s the only check in your envelope, I can fucking figure out where it goes!

#9

Oooohh, this is a peeve of mine. I knew a guy that did that, then sealed the envelope, then (get this) STAPLED THROUGH THE SEALED ENVELOPE! Usually like three staples, blam - blam - blam, just like that all the way across. :rolleyes: WTF? How does the recipient get the note/check whatever out of there?

I guess some folks just don’t trust envelopes.

#10

Is there anyone in the office whose staple remover you could borrow?

#11

I probably could bug my manager enough that she could dig one up for me from somewhere, but Friday’s my last day and it would probably take until then. And it really is the principle of it: Someone higher up on the payscale is cutting into my document count, dammit!

It’s going to be hard to steal anything from this job because there’s really not much to take. Data entry is in this biiiiiig room without cubicals or anything: we just have rows of computers and we’re assigned a specific one. However, we also get a lockable drawer to keep our crap in, and they have those little drawer organizer things in them, so if you want to keep pencils and pens and paperclips and stapler removers and whatnot, you can (even though you really don’t need any supplies for this job). I have no need for it, but on my last day? I’m stealing at least some government property.

sturmhauke - I swear it’s highly possible that you did just describe a way I could fix the problem. Especially the part about “fill out these forms, then these other ones, then wait forever.”

#12

I’m right there with you on the staples rant. It might seem like a small, “get over it” kind of thing to someone who does not have to REMOVE FIFTEEN FREAKIN’ STAPLES FROM EVERY THREE PAGE DOCUMENT THAT LANDS ON YOUR DESK!!! I call it “Staple build-up”, and I make it my business to remove all extraneous staples from my documents. I have a “leave a staple, take a staple” policy at my desk. There’s not much I can do about the A/R invoices, though - the counter people just staple (and rip off) willy-nilly, creating these messy mounds of paper that have metal bits poking out of them to catch my fingers and corners not stapled together properly so you can’t pick up the whole document by the left upper corner - it sort of straggles along, with staples all over the place. I just file those “as is.”

I would buy a good staple remover and take it with me when I leave. A good staple remover is worth its weight in gold in an office environment.

#13

Isn’t there a way to reject documents as “unreadable”? This would probably solve the problem, eventually.

Wait, it’s the government. The people stapling are probably following some rule designed to keep papers together. It’ll take an act of congress to change anything.

#14

Fucking Stapler Crazed Monkeys!
:dubious:
I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly I have a great idea for a short film.

#15

You would think so, but we have to enter every document (they’ve got serial numbers and the “smart” program we enter into won’t let you enter nonsequentials. You can, however, enter fields as illegible, which I do almost gratuitiously.

#16

you know, you could just burn the building down… :wink:

didn’t you read your TPS report?

#17

Somebody probably *stapled * the TPS reports to the old cover sheet…see, we’re using a new cover sheet on all the TPS reports from now on…

#18

It occured to me today that, being a government office and whatnot, they do have various security screenings of most of their mail. I could sprinkle some flour or something into an envelope and mail it to them, which could feasibly shut down the entire (huge) building until they realized it wasn’t anthrax or something.

Hm.

(yes, I’m a horrid person.)

#19

I cannot comprehend why you can’t have your own staple-puller. Why, I work in a nfp and I have a staple-puller.

#20

Well, there’s borrow…and then there’s “borrow”…

Get there early and “borrow” a staple remover from someone’s desk?