I was just about to post this. I’ve never been closer to physically lashing out at a perfect stranger than when they would come up and touch/rub/tickle my newborn babies.
I think we’ve had this conversation on the Dope before, and in my opinion, it’s remarkably similar to how a husband might react to having a stranger come up to you in a department store, fondle your wife’s breasts and say, “You have such a lovely wife!”.
GRRR. Don’t touch me OR my children.
Just once, can’t one of these be about people who hate having their bellies rubbed for luck?
Cuz I’m ready to pile on with that one.
Verminary, I’ll echo the chorus that sings about how beautiful that was. I laughed, I cried, I can’t wait to see the movie! I sincerely hope, that if there are any actual ‘without permission touchers’ on the board, that they’ve learned their lesson. If not, maybe they’re looking for some DORRANCE #5 STAINLESS STEEL HOOKS to replace their ordinary old hands. So see, in that case you’ll be helping out humanity by making them happy.
I say sic 'em.
And I can’t wait to read more of what you write. Perhaps you’re really some famous pregnant author in disguise. I think I’ll Google now.
~faithfool, who’s never touched anyone without asking (a pet or anything else for that matter either)
When I was pregnant with my first, I was out at a comedy club with some friends on Halloween. A Drunken man dressed as Pee-Wee Herman came up to me, caressed my belly, and asked “How’s the child?” Out of reflex, I punched him square in the nose. Hurt my hand, but it hurt his nose more.
Sweet av8rmike, who is a local and good friend, wanted to touch when I was pregnant with the new baby, but was too shy to ask. So he says. I think he was afraid of me punching him.
Oooh, thank you. I am not now nor have I ever been pregnant, but I just can’t stand the rudeness of some people. It’s like once you get knocked up you have no more personal space, you’ve become public property. And the questions people ask! I mean, if you want to talk about cervical mucous or dreadful labor stories, fine, but people just walk up and give 'em to you! And then once you have the baby and everybody has an opinion on what you ought do with your own breast milk and how you should sleep or not sleep with your baby? Good lord, where do some people get the nerve?!
I don’t like hearing gross things in the first place. It’s like people feel it’s their duty to tell me all these horror stories. I didn’t want to hear them before I got pregnant. I sure as hell don’t want to hear them now.
And the next person that says to me “You know what’ll help that? Cocoa butter!” is getting his or her head bashed into a wall.
“You know what’ll help that? NOTHING! Especially not walking around smelling like a coconut macaroon! Fuck off!”
I am in complete agreement. Women, especially, seem to feel that it’s okay to handle any baby that’s being carried about by a man. Women I didn’t know would come up and want to hold the baby, sometimes even reaching in without asking.
I’m 6’4" tall (without the boots and cowboy hat) and 250 pounds, and a withering stare was usually enough to put a stop to it. If not, a polite “Please don’t touch the baby” in a monotone about an octave below my normal (already deep) voice did the job.
/fanning self with kleenex
Lawsy, this thread has everything!
Let’s also put an end to total strangers asking you if you’re going to breastfeed, and if you’re going to have “natural” labor.
And while we’re at it, I got damned annoyed at people looking at me and remarking about me as if I were about to be towed back to sea by a bunch of animal-lovers. “My God! You’re enormous!” That sort of thing.
Some people have no class.
(You, though–YOU have class. Nicely done.)
Best,
karol
Agreed. Feel free to just say ,“nunya” when they ask these types of questions. That’s short for “None of your damn business.” 
Ooh, I hate the baby police, the breastfeeding zealouts, and the “natural” labor freaks. Fine, if you are the one having the baby, you can have those opinions, but please don’t try to force them on every pregnant mother you speak to. People have different needs, wants, and abilities, and we can’t all give birth in a bathtub of water, free of drugs, with only the aid of a doula. It does not make us failures at childbirth.
I just wanted to say that this is the best Pit thread I’ve read in ages. Thank you everyone. wipes tear from eyes Awesome OP.
I can’t imagine why people would think it’s ok to randomly approach and touch a belly or an infant. I love making faces or waving at children but I would never touch a child I don’t know unless I was guiding him or her back to a parent, (and then only touching shoulders gently), or preventing them from harming themselves, etc.
Guard, tackle, center, or defensive end?
I’m training mine to loom over me and say, “Her last baby came out sideways…” One of these days I’ll get him to do the SKNGGXXXHH, too.
I had one of those “what did I do last night?!” moments the morning after I started this thread, but now I am much improved. And amused. The rainy weather out here makes my hands achy, though, and I don’t have much to say as it is, but I’ll be around.
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
This is so odd that I cannot believe it actually happens so often. I can’t comprehend seeing someone at the store and feeling compelled to touch them anywhere. I had a co-worker once who took my hand and put it on her belly so I could feel the baby kick. I was extremely uncomfortable and felt kind of wierd about it, but it was no big deal.
So is it mostly women who do this? If a man did that my first thought would be that he must be some kind of pervert or something.
Verminary, I…I…think I love you.
I am absolutely stunned by this phenomenon. I think the next time I see an attractive woman with a delightfully flat, sculpted tummy, I’ll just saunter over and give it a good pawing. Should be perfectly acceptable, right? Sheesh.
Otto, this is pure evil.
Keep up the good work. 
Verminary, amazing rant! You were born to Dope. I only wish I could rant like that. You need to work on your growling technique. It’s quite effective for the other species and I can’t understand why we ever graduated from it. Nothing says Go. The. Fuck. Away. quite like a low, menacing growl. At first, they won’t believe what they just heard. It will confuse their shriveled excuses for brains. But as your unexpected growl becomes more persistent and unnerving, true fear will bloom in their breast. For supreme effect, bare your teeth. That ought to be just about enough to make them back off slowly and carefully (the desired effect, of course). I doubt they would ever deign to step within a five-foot radius of you in the future.
I, for one, would welcome an update on how many groping puss-buckets you scare the bejesus out of with this technique. After a rant like that, I do believe you could pull it off with aplomb.
Well, if you can live with sexual harassment charges and sore nads, it’s actually kind of fun.
I join the adulating throng in praising this post, bravo! I especially loved the “pinch their heads off and flick it across the room to stick like a giant bloody booger” line. I laughed, I cried, I may even have peed a little.
If there isn’t such a thing already maybe there would be a market for maternity shirts warning people away. Instead of those cutesy-wutesy t-shirts that say “Baby on Board” or “Baby Under Construction” you could have a pic of a big snarling grin with nasty pointy teeth and the words “Don’t Touch, It Bites!”. Or how about a pistol pointing out and the words “Don’t Touch! Fetus is armed and dangerous!”. “Warning, don’t touch! This bulge is not a baby, I’m smuggling pit bulls”*
*Patent Pending. Then again I’m probably too lazy or busy for this so if anyone uses those ideas I expect some royalties.