StorkBytes: A Resource for What Not To Name Your Baby

First, the link to the East Alabama Medical Center’s StorkBytes, a perfectly harmless offshoot of their main website. It lists all of the babies born in a particular month by name, each having a link for more information.

And it’s hilarious.

Have a gander at some of the names some … overzealous parents have chosen for their precious offspring:

Shi’Miracle Lashon
Ta’Keriyah JaSha (Nickname: Teryaki. And what’s with the middle-name capitalization? She has brothers, too. Viczavious and Vandrious. Yep)
Jazmyn Lamaree (Oh come on – just spell it Jasmine, for Og’s sake!)
Ke’Zieah Mo’Net (Apostrophes are in vogue)
JaQuerious Demarquez (Nickname: Yahoo. Or maybe that’s too obscure)
Tequila LaSha (Guesses on how she got preggers with this one? Or is that too easy?)
MarQuavious Jamon (Siblings: Zylexius, Malik, Malaysia, Marnica)
Quinzavious Tray’Shun
Kontavious Ronald (Okay, Ronald was a joke, right?)
I’Zavious DaQuincy Lamarion (Siblings: JaQuavious and ZaQuirious. Yeah, another “Querious.” Capital Q. Parents: Clarence and Patrice. They’re intentionally sabotaging their kids, right?)
Sarah Grace Elianah Elisheva (and her brother – wait for it – Chase.)

Just … wow. I know people are looking for unique names, but in all seriousness … why??

I feel sorry for these kids. The parents think they are giving their kids unique names, and the poor kids will go through life with a name everyone thinks is a typo.

And the poor teachers! I have friends who are teachers, and some of these kids get offended if you don’t pronounce their name correctly on the first try.

I know. Parents appear to be naming their kids for themselves without giving thought to what sort of teasing they might get for their odd names in school.

The OP link seems to have been farked – it’ll probably resume soon – but even more comedy gold can be found in the great state of Utah, where they feature such wonderful names as:

Abcde (Not kidding. It’s even unisex.)
Antrim Zeezrom (Beeblebrox?)
Azer Baloo (Bear necessities, the simple bear necessities…)
Chevrollette (No comment. Too easy.)
Cist (Really, not kidding)
Davenport Shore (Nice place to visit and all that.)
D’Loaf (We’re not even at the bizarre ones yet)
D’oral (D’yes, please.)
Grik (S’cuze me. Gas.)
Tugdick (Okay, now you’re just pulling my … uh, never mind.)
Alpha Mae (as opposed to the Alpha Femae)
Jennyfivetina (Jenny Five? Any relation to Jessica Six? There’s a sandman looking for her…)
Treasure Cocaine (Right! Stop it! Stop that! It’s silly. Very silly indeed.)

Mrs. Seenidog and I named our first child, a son, Tristan Alexander. He is now 23, and still it plagues him. It seems that at the time a popular soap opera starred an actor named Tristan, and everyone questioned us about naming our child after a soap opera star. Nothing could have been further from the truth. We set that straight but it was a pain.
Of more significance was that if he is not present, a spoken Tristan is often heard as Kristen, and he is assumed to be a female. Not a problem really, but a pain, and tiresome to correct frequently.
We got smarter with our second son, he is Andrew Jason, which gave him the choice of Andrew, A. Jason, Andy, Jason or so many more. He chose AJ.
Except with his brother, then he is Drew. That is cool, because it is a bond there, I won’t mention Drew’s name for T.A. is out of respect.

I don’t get all the fun names, it does matter in the real world, it makes a difference. To those who chose a fun name, I hope your cleverness makes up for the limitations and problems your child will endure forever. A name you cannot remember is not likely to be called back for that follow-up sales meeting.
A joke name will be the brunt of jokes forever. Everyone thinks they are the first to think of the joke, but after a couple of decades it gets old.

I add that an unusual name is also likely to be mispelled later causing all kinds of problems with banks, the govt etc, there are problems caused by too much creativity.

I am not saying stick with Sam or Fred, but give it some thought.

My wife’s mom did this to all three of her daughters. When her fourth child, a son, was born, her fed-up husband finally asserted his authority & gave him a normal name …

I kind of like it, personally. It’s unique and pretty. And I can tell whenever someone calling for her is a telemarketer or bill collector, because nobody in the history of the universe has ever guessed the pronunciation correctly.

I will reveal myself for the nasty-nasty I am, and say that most of the people these kids will meet in their lives will be used to names like these.

If I ever go in the witness protection program, I am going to be named LaQwerty Tyuiop Jones

Use a reasonably spelled, and pronounced first name. Get as creative as you want with the middle name. Kid get’s to choose what they want to be called.

Sez China Guy, who has what is generally a girls first name. No, I’m not bitter. :mad:

Here’s an amusing website on the topic: Baby’s Named a Bad, Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty

The book, Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner has a fascinating chapter on given names as an indicator of children’s social class and a predictor of their future earnings.

Suddenly, this thread now seems less unrealistic.

Run! A dark elf!

My husband called me from work one day. He had come across an inmate who had seven chidlren by nearly as many women. Each of them had a rhyming name: LaTisha, LaDisha, LaQuisha . . . (and yes, some of them were boys). I was flabberghasted. How did he get these different women to agree to this? And, you know,* why*?

I still say nothing beats the woman whose four sons attended school with my friend’s son: The boys were named Aristotle, Euripedes, Omnipotence, and Curly.

I though I had it bad when I was a kid …

My Greatgrand Father’s name was Ezekial Marion Lucy. There is a reasonable (albeit somewhat warped …) justification for giving me my name.

I got off easy compared to what I am seeing parents inflict on their kid these days.

More’s the pity …


I’m going to chime in here on the opposite side of the debate.

Except for the last one, most of these names sound foreign and oddly intriguing. They seem to have passed through the ‘uncanny valley’ of disturbing similarity to traditional English names and come out the other side into their own culture.

The last one, Sarah Grace, sounds like the name of a religious British woman of my grandmother’s generation (World War 1)–unusual, but hardly risible.

However, “Kontavious Ronald” would make a great band name.

Granted, if such names aren’t entirely out of the ordinary in the culture they were picked from/modeled after then that’s fine and would be perfectly acceptable *in[/I[ those cultures. In North America though, and kids being kids, they’re likely to get ridiculed just as most things that deviate from the apparent “norm” do. (Skin colour is faring a little better these days than it used to, but most of the rest is still up for grabs)

No, not risible by any means – what I found amusing was the contrast between her mile-long name and her brother’s perfectly simple “Chase.” (Remember these don’t include last names, so she has 5 names in total)

I’m picturing either a punk band, or one akin to They Might Be Giants.






Would make a good middle name for “Tequila.”

Yeah, nothing like being named after a brand of small engines…

In 60 years or so, the obituaries are going to look damned silly with all of these names. So much for death with dignity, but the stone carvers will love it.