Straight Dopers 2000 predictions

Well, it’s almost that time again. We’ll begin to see predictions for the year 2000 from our friendly tabloid astrology quacks soon so I figured I might as well get a jump on them. I used to do this where I worked a few years ago but I don’t do it now because we have far too many employees. So I thought I’d give the TM a try. In no particular order:

Pldennison: Realizes life long dream to tour with Paul McCartney. Two weeks into the tour, though, he and Paul get into an argument in which Phil refers to Paul as a “fuckwit”. He’s promptly tossed out.

Contestant#3: Is abducted by aliens from the planet Zoloft. Three days later he is deemed a “pain in the ass earthling” by High Command and is returned to Ohio.

Slythe: Attends a family reunion and is shocked to discover Contestant#3 is a long lost brother. But he still hates him, anyway.

Diane: Moves to Alaska but returns two weeks later when it is discovered her cats are allergic to snow.

Arg220: Is struck by a lightning bolt when he uses Brigham Youngs’ name in vain.

DrainBead: Meets “Mr. Right” at a grocery store but dumps him days later because, she says, “he doesn’t smell quite right”.

Nickrz: Is carried away to a padded cell wearing a straight jacket. Hospital spokespeople claim that he continuously mutters, “I have to move that thread to MPSIMS! I HAVE TO MOVE THAT THREAD TO MPSIMS!”.

Papabear: Becomes infuriated with the SDMB when he gets into a disagreement with DavidB and Nickrz regarding moderators posting under assumed names. Hours later, the OP is mysteriously deleted, prompting PapaBear to leave. Again.

Ed Zotti: Retires after the PapaBear fiasco, saying only, “I just wanna’ be loved … Is that so wrong?”.

CKDextHavn: No change.

Melin: Returns to SDMB to fill Ed Zottis’ shoes. You can imagine what happened next.

Stoidela: Runs for mayor of Los Angeles on a “Legalize Everything” campaign platform but loses because citizens of LA are looking for “real” change.

Michelle: Finally gets a date with the vet where she works but things don’t work out when she learns he is only after her pussy. Er, I mean, her cat.

DavidB: Is chosen as replacement for High Command of the planet Zoloft, but refuses because he’s “skeptical”.

Kellibelli: Starts up a weekly discussion group for women whos’ boyfriends won’t go down on them.

BunnyGirl: Wins “Easiest to get along with” award but is immediately disqualified when she gets in a fistfight with, and breaks the arms of, the emcee.

Matt_mcl: Spearheads the “Quebecans Undergoing Economic Enhancement Reform” campaign, also know as QUEER.

Shirley Ujest: Is elected governor of the state of Michigan. She is said to have higher political aspirations.

OpalCat: Has to rethink the “teemingmillions” homepage when the Department of Defense informs her that the entire internet runs through her site.

UnDead Dude: Is offered the “Chief of Science” position at the University of Berkeley, California. He declines, though, stating, “It’s too long of a commute”.

TomnDebb: Tom quits posting altogether when it is discovered his best stuff was, in fact, being written by Debb.

Mangeorge: Wins the California lottery and hosts a hash-bash including 2600+ Straight-Dopers, but not Phil.

ChiefScott: Chosen as frontman for the Grateful Dead reunion tour.

Satan: Marries Heather, they move to Kalamazoo and raise two kids named Lucifer and Beelzebub and a dog named Buttfuck.

ChrisCTP: Is jailed for 90 days after she places her two “dipshit” friends in a refrigerator box and buries it in her backyard. Her friends are fine, but they haven’t changed a bit.

Handy: Is cited for indecent exposure, does a short stint behind bars, and starts a thread titled “Hazards of the Full Monty”.

Girl Next Door/Leslie: Changes her name back to Leslie because everyone refers to BunnyGirl as the girl next door. She also wins the BBQ Pit equivalent of a Pulitzer Prize for her classic Lick My P*** F**** quip.

DoctorJackson: Appears on “Jeopardy” but loses in the final round when he misspells “Felix the Cat”.

That’s it for now. Keep in mind it’s a work in progress. I have only, what, 2628 to go? If your name’s not there don’t fret. Neither is mine.

Hilarious!


Contestant #3

sly – gets over the fact that his name is so close to slythe. Wins friends and enemies with this post. Finally gets his name on his own thread and worships Byzantine for doing it for him. Ends up as one of her best friends and they go on to trash others.

Kryptonite – leaves school, goes to live in projects, realizes he should have listened to SDMB posters. Goes back to school, then onto college where he majors in English and wins Pulitzer for his dissertation on “Stupid Schools”.

Brithael – reconciles with Byzantine. Starts to edit before posting. Wins friends or at least some respect for his ideas. Realizes the importance of a good presentation. Goes on to wow world with secret formula for making people fall in love.

ChiefScott – dumps Chickbysea and decides to go into full time work as gigolo. Makes millions.

Contestant 3 – starts to flirt with all women and a few men. Almost leads to divorce. Marriage saved because he knocks it off.

ARG220 – leaves SDMB and struck by lightning two days later. Returns with new sense of hope and tolerance. Finds he can argue without offending by using IMHO.

Oh, yeah, this has all been IMHO

Not bad Byz, but Sly’s were better…


Contestant #3

Beautiful! I feel so honoured to have made the first string!

“I’d like to thank the Academy, my agents, my manager and my publicists, and my dipshit friends, without whom I probably wouldn’t even have garnered a nomination. I’d also like to thank my buttcheese husband for always giving me a reason to rant, and my precious son for always giving me a reason to gush. Finally, I’d like to thank the fans. Without you, I’d be nothing. Thank you.”

:::bowing and nodding as Jeff Goldblum and Mike Myers lead me offstage for a little “backstage action”:::

I can’t wait to read more!


Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

jazzmine: Starts SexCam to make easy money at home. A bigger success with the gay male following than expected, because all one can ever see is Kurt’s ass.

Byzantine: Book makes best-seller list, but she is mired in controversy after she goes into a firey rant promoting road rage on the Oprah show.

GOD: Sends various plagues and natural disasters to get peoples’ attention. People are jaded; pay no attention. Retains TennHippie as spokesperson.

GOD Sends TennHippie to Hell. Not for blasphemy, but for misspelling fiery.

I’m not sure I really get mine. Does Sly think that in LA everything is already legal? No, it’s only murder…and then only if you are a black football star.

S

Ha, it’s Berkeley and SF where everything is legal :). J/K

Byzantine: Makes vow to refrain from flaming for 24 hours. Fails miserably. Contemplates convent life.

Lioness: Contemplates convent life. Fails miserably. Resorts to flaming.

C#3: Fails miserably.

God: Creates perpetual long weekend. Universally worshipped.

Kellibelli: Rediscovers her G-spot, only to lose it again.

Satan: Opens negotiations with God. Major Biblical revisions to follow.

WallyM7: Chastised for being a silly twit. Promises to change. Wait-and-see mode in effect.


If you’re an optimist, you haven’t been paying attention.

Sly, you came very, VERY close when it came to your prediction for me!

Imthecowgodmoo moves to India where he becomes a rock star with his number one hit
" I hate Bob."

[satire]

Ed Zotti: Shows up for work in pink tutu and rubber duckie. Spends six months in therapy and goes on to write bestselling memoir in which he claims to have written all the Straight Dope columns at the urging of his pet turtle, Cecil Adams.

[/satire]
– Sylence


“The problem with reality is the lack of background music.” – Anon

Revision 1.0:

ChiefScott: Chosen as frontman for the Grateful Dead reunion tour, but stays home because his girlfriend won’t let him join.

Phealicks tha Qatt :stuck_out_tongue:

Kryptonite - Gets GED and job a Superintendent of Schools in Mississippi. SAT scores thought to plummet, but no one can figure it out for sure.

TennHippie - Named Poet Laureate and Punmiester General of Tennessee.

Sly - Tours with Dionne Warwick. Requests sung before audience members ask. Fans are amazed.

Sly, you outdid yourself! Turn your back this way so I can give you a swift ki-, um, pat. This is ginna be a fun thread.


The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik

Uh, shouldn’t that be FOUR kids: Lucifer, Kevin, Beelzebub, and Britney?

loverock: Due to the psychic input of all those involved in creating him, actually begins to exist. Takes over the hosting duties for the Miss America Pageant, and introduces the wet T-shirt competition to it.

Kalamazoo? Sorry… I go where the music biz takes me, and I don’t think there are any prospective employers for me in Kalamazoo…

Everything else works for me, though… :slight_smile:


Yer pal,
Satan

o/~ABCDEFJH I got a gal
In Kalamazoo. o/~

-“Kalamazoo” by Glen Miller

Not bad Byz, but Sly’s were better…

Well thank you C#3 for grading my paper. Are you sure it wasn’t sophomoric? Why have you not felt the need to grade anyone else? Do you really want to get into it with me or what?