Well, it’s almost that time again. We’ll begin to see predictions for the year 2000 from our friendly tabloid astrology quacks soon so I figured I might as well get a jump on them. I used to do this where I worked a few years ago but I don’t do it now because we have far too many employees. So I thought I’d give the TM a try. In no particular order:
Pldennison: Realizes life long dream to tour with Paul McCartney. Two weeks into the tour, though, he and Paul get into an argument in which Phil refers to Paul as a “fuckwit”. He’s promptly tossed out.
Contestant#3: Is abducted by aliens from the planet Zoloft. Three days later he is deemed a “pain in the ass earthling” by High Command and is returned to Ohio.
Slythe: Attends a family reunion and is shocked to discover Contestant#3 is a long lost brother. But he still hates him, anyway.
Diane: Moves to Alaska but returns two weeks later when it is discovered her cats are allergic to snow.
Arg220: Is struck by a lightning bolt when he uses Brigham Youngs’ name in vain.
DrainBead: Meets “Mr. Right” at a grocery store but dumps him days later because, she says, “he doesn’t smell quite right”.
Nickrz: Is carried away to a padded cell wearing a straight jacket. Hospital spokespeople claim that he continuously mutters, “I have to move that thread to MPSIMS! I HAVE TO MOVE THAT THREAD TO MPSIMS!”.
Papabear: Becomes infuriated with the SDMB when he gets into a disagreement with DavidB and Nickrz regarding moderators posting under assumed names. Hours later, the OP is mysteriously deleted, prompting PapaBear to leave. Again.
Ed Zotti: Retires after the PapaBear fiasco, saying only, “I just wanna’ be loved … Is that so wrong?”.
CKDextHavn: No change.
Melin: Returns to SDMB to fill Ed Zottis’ shoes. You can imagine what happened next.
Stoidela: Runs for mayor of Los Angeles on a “Legalize Everything” campaign platform but loses because citizens of LA are looking for “real” change.
Michelle: Finally gets a date with the vet where she works but things don’t work out when she learns he is only after her pussy. Er, I mean, her cat.
DavidB: Is chosen as replacement for High Command of the planet Zoloft, but refuses because he’s “skeptical”.
Kellibelli: Starts up a weekly discussion group for women whos’ boyfriends won’t go down on them.
BunnyGirl: Wins “Easiest to get along with” award but is immediately disqualified when she gets in a fistfight with, and breaks the arms of, the emcee.
Matt_mcl: Spearheads the “Quebecans Undergoing Economic Enhancement Reform” campaign, also know as QUEER.
Shirley Ujest: Is elected governor of the state of Michigan. She is said to have higher political aspirations.
OpalCat: Has to rethink the “teemingmillions” homepage when the Department of Defense informs her that the entire internet runs through her site.
UnDead Dude: Is offered the “Chief of Science” position at the University of Berkeley, California. He declines, though, stating, “It’s too long of a commute”.
TomnDebb: Tom quits posting altogether when it is discovered his best stuff was, in fact, being written by Debb.
Mangeorge: Wins the California lottery and hosts a hash-bash including 2600+ Straight-Dopers, but not Phil.
ChiefScott: Chosen as frontman for the Grateful Dead reunion tour.
Satan: Marries Heather, they move to Kalamazoo and raise two kids named Lucifer and Beelzebub and a dog named Buttfuck.
ChrisCTP: Is jailed for 90 days after she places her two “dipshit” friends in a refrigerator box and buries it in her backyard. Her friends are fine, but they haven’t changed a bit.
Handy: Is cited for indecent exposure, does a short stint behind bars, and starts a thread titled “Hazards of the Full Monty”.
Girl Next Door/Leslie: Changes her name back to Leslie because everyone refers to BunnyGirl as the girl next door. She also wins the BBQ Pit equivalent of a Pulitzer Prize for her classic Lick My P*** F**** quip.
DoctorJackson: Appears on “Jeopardy” but loses in the final round when he misspells “Felix the Cat”.
That’s it for now. Keep in mind it’s a work in progress. I have only, what, 2628 to go? If your name’s not there don’t fret. Neither is mine.
