Straight Male Cricket Searching For Attractive Mate!

Good looking, straight male cricket is searching for the ideal female to share in adventures at DMark’s house. I will be chirping loudly all night in the large living room, hidden from those two large human figures frantically and futilely trying to find me.

I like to take long hops under furniture, eat exotic scraps and taunt large predators with my intense volume and range and uninterrupted melodic chirps (I was in a Boy Cricket Band in my youth!)

You should be trim, attractive, active, equally nimble and enjoy mating under sofas, near plants, behind side tables, near warm TV’s and even out in the open when the predators have given up searching for us.

I would like a large family - 200 or so, and so should you.

I prefer mates with huge ovipositors - but I also like a fun personality and a sense of adventure when we sneak under the predators’ bed tomorrow night where I plan to loudly chirp the entire night, with the beat of predator feet stomping in the background.

So, if you are a lonely, lovely female cricket, looking for a good time and possible long-term relationship, meet me at DMark’s tonight - my name is Jiminy and I am lookin’ for love!

Oops - might have posted my ad in the wrong forum - but then again, it would be the last place those huge humans would look!

Heh. Funny. Those little frackers can be pretty damn loud can’t they?

ISTR reading somewhere that the frequency at which they chirp is a function of the temperature. I always wanted to build a device that measures that frequency and converted it to temp so I could have my very own live cricket thermometer.

Any interest in hooking up with some annual cicadas for a foursome? There are about ten billion blasting away in my neighborhood.

Moved to MPSIMS. :slight_smile:

You’re just going to use the girl cricket to lure him out and murder him aren’t you?

I salute your cruel efforts! They’re lovely outside, but worse than a dripping faucet inside.

Hmm…great idea! I wonder what the going rate is for cricket hookers…I could rent one and have her sip drinks out in the open, wearing nothing but Frederick’s of Hollywood, see-though frilly wings. I wonder if they sell cricket stillettos…

If you can’t find a cricket hooker in Vegas or Berlin, they don’t exist.

You obviously haven’t been to Thailand.

Bit heterocentric to assume the poor insect’s after a female, isn’t it?

I remember one of these stridulating SOBs sleep-depriving me when I was already the victim of a card-carrying case of Spanish tummy back in '96. It was so clever at hiding I was convinced it was in the void space, but it got too cocky about the third night in a row and I sent it off to the Happy Hopping Grounds toot-sweet. Next day a few economical gestures explained the medical problems to a Spanish pharmacist despite not having more than a few words of each other’s language and he produced a packet of horse-pills which actually did the job darned effectively, but that’s another story.

Admit it, DMark. There isn’t really a Jiminy, is there?

Trust me - that little SOB is very real, and was driving us nuts last night…and I was on the floor, looking under furniture, behind this and that, getting thrown off because of accoustics (can crickets throw their voice?) and am somewhat sleep deprived today.

If I find little Jiminy tonight, things will not end well for him…however, so far he has proven to be a rather elusive, annoying little prick. I hear mice like to eat crickets…pet shop not far from home…might be stopping by there soon…

But then you’ll need something else to deal with the mouse.

He bought a mouse to catch the cricket.
He bought a cat to catch the mouse.
He bought a dog to catch the cat.
He bought a goat to catch the dog.
He bought a horse to catch the goat.
I don’t know why he invited the cricket into his living room.
Perhaps he wanted it to smell like a barn.

Nah - It doesn’t scan.

How do you know he’s straight?

To this day, I’m thankful for my sister’s cat Bristol. There was a cricket in my room, haunting my sleep for days. One evening, just as I was dreading having to find sleep again with that think chirping on and on, Bristol became supremely interested in the loud noise of the small insect. She found it, and oh did it die. Slowly, painfully, and in sheer terror I’m sure. Bristol toyed with it a while before its demise. Usually I’m a bit squeemish around cats and their natural hunting instincts. Not that time, though.

So, if you have a cat, or know somebody with a cat, I recomend this technique.

On first sight, I thought the thread title said, “Straight Male Cricketer Searching For Attractive Mate!” and I was going to say that the advertisement obviously worked, because the cricketer was my great-grandfather:slight_smile:

I have a cricket chirping away just outside my door wall, as I sit on the couch. Always the harbinger calling in the end of summer…

I have a pet frog. He eats crickets. I hear the survivors from the frog enclosure when I buy more than he can eat in a sitting and it seems that some of them are houdini crickets because I hear them in the basement sometimes.

I don’t mind them, really. In the summer, my windows are open and I hear lots of bug noises. It’s been super hot this year and the heat bugs (cicadas?) are really loud. In the winter, it just makes me think of summer when I hear an escapee. Sorry, I guess I’m not very good at being sympathetic.

Are you positive it’s not the battery dying in your smoke detector?