Sure thing twickster!
There’s no projecting. You are clearly once again saying that you think only one party is actually to blame. You say you take responsibility, but your entire response is about how the “accomplice” as you put it isn’t really at fault.
It takes two to commit adultery. If you think adultery is wrong, which is what you say you believe, then you should feel bad for enabling it, whether it betrays a friendship or not. Can you really say you are against something if you are okay with enabling it, as long as you aren’t friends with who it hurts?
Is my boyfriend gay? Or is my boyfriend a closet bi sexual? Am I stupid for not noticing?
I am in a relationship where I was pursued romantically to the point that any girl would not refuse. He was easy to talk to, charismatic, average to good looking, funny, attentive, left sweet notes for me, daily I love you texts, playful, sexual and all the things you dream of in a new relationship. This guy was relentless in getting me as his girlfriend, I was flattered! I am considered beautiful not gorgeous but when I look in the mirror; I can always find something wrong as any girl does. And fight with myself to be more confident every day. This guy really made me feel beautiful and wanted too. I get approached once in a while by men or straight women who have commented in some way on my beauty, so more and more I am starting to feel more confident these days. So it wasn’t my looks that drove him away. I wasn’t a nag or I would not have lived with him long. I was loving, giving, thoughtful, kind and understanding until I started feeling his love slowly be given somewhere else, but I could not put my finger on it exactly. You know when you search your mind to find out what it is?
So I meet this really great guy and experience true romantic bliss that we all hope to find. Then as the months pass I start to come out of my euphoria and notice things here and there without really paying attention or looking to see something if you know what I mean. The euphoria started to wear off when he started spending more time with his friends who were women gay and straight. At first I was jealous but then realized they were just friends because I was the one living with him. So you think well he lives with me, sleeps with me, goes to events with me so it’s ok why be jealous. So I put that away.
Then I noticed when he did visit with his friends that my boyfriend didn’t really share much with me which is ok but it’s nice when you are close with someone that you could share with each other. Every once in a while he would tell me a couple of things but all in all he is a good confidant for them. When I started having a “meltdown” over time he spent with each of his friends he would move to the next friend his ex. He sort of panged for his ex-girlfriend to me about the time I felt we were not as close, but I met her and she assured me there is nothing there, which I wholeheartedly believe to this day. Deep inside, little by little I started feeling something was amiss. So looking back, these little meltdowns was me wanting our love to be validated at the same time grasping at anything to figure out what I was sensing or was I just a crazy jealous bitch. We are getting closer to what it was I was actually sensing…
I have knots in my stomach as I write this because I am so in love with him but trying to look at reality. I never looked at his text messages but did see him as he erased certain texts in his phone. I wanted to trust and be trusted so I didn’t go there.
Back to him. He volunteers his time in groups where there are heterosexual and one gay oriented one. A couple of folks cross between the two but not much. In the beginning one guy was there with his wife and were close friends with my boyfriend but they were not at the gay group consistently. In fact now that I write this he is the only heterosexual that brings his girlfriend to the gay oriented meeting…ME! Oh Shit.
Well I have been with him to both groups a few times over this past year. And during my Euphoria I didn’t notice the difference between the two until I started waking up. I prayed for an awakening because I thought I was crazy and imaging things and though that prayer I started gettig the awareness that I had asked. I started to notice even the minutest details, brow movements, body movements, what was not said, what was said to the point to when I ran it through my head and started piecing together all the events of the past year to the point where I wanted to cry and cry about what I was discovering.
He kisses hello or goodbye to both men and women he is closest to but I started to notice the kiss hello to the guy and only guy and he happens to be the best looking one that doesn’t have the gay accent and only during the gay group meeting. One time early in our relationship I called the good looking gay guys cell phone to leave a message and it was the biggest gay accent I have ever heard and at the time I was surprised but that was during my euphoric stage and didn’t think anything of it, but now I do.
I noticed when we went to the gay group meeting together that if he wasn’t leading the meeting he would leave. I thought that was odd, but filed it away as nothing. Then I noticed the kiss goodbye to him a little lingering. Then I noticed my boyfriend not having sex with me making excuses that he was tired. Then he said he was not in love with me anymore but wanted me to live with him to see if he could get the feeling back. When I approached him for sex he would say I will come to you! My heart sank. But I loved him and wanted to give him time. At this time I didn’t have any suspicions. It was after this I started having suspicions. I remember an ex-boyfriend telling me that if a guy is not having sex with you he’s having sex with someone. This bit of advice started running through my head. Of course I keep sweeping it away, as I always do.
I confronted my boyfriend that I spoke to a friend in another state about what I was feeling and was I crazy. Because he is such a private person, I could not dare to ask or confide with anyone in our inner circle. I have confided with people in the past and it always comes back to haunt you, so I spoke with her.
So I ask her. Is it ok for a heterosexual guy to kiss on the lips a gay guy hello or goodbye? She flat out said no it’s not normal. Shit my heart sank even further.
To validate this we saw him at work and there was no man kiss greeting! Arggg… I am so stupid, stupid, stupid. The dialog that goes on between them is like they really don’t know anything about each other, but they have known each other more than 7 years!
I confronted to him that a coworker saw him hanging around with another good looking gay a lot before I met him. So after also confronting him about kissing on the lips the next greeting to his gay friend in that group was a kiss on the check as he held his face with his other hand. Gross and to top it off he asked him to do something and as we left the meeting he happily sang I have a date with so and so. I said DATE? Then he corrected himself. Taunting me, arggggggggg.
I tried to approach him in the beginning by saying I think that guy really has something for you and going somewhere with him just doesn’t look appropriate. He said here you are jealous again I can’t go out with a friend I feel like I am in a box and you are closing it up. This relationship is not going to work.
Mean time I am listening to what he is not saying. Never said “I’m not gay” never said, you are right it appears weird to the heterosexual world. NOTHING. I got nothing.
All I got was a tantrum why can’t I go out with him he’s my friend for more than seven years and he’s just a friend.
So he never validated what I was feeling. But I know if he’s hiding this the truth will come out. See there is a pattern of him being “friends” with the cutest gay guy that attends those group meetings and at the same time has a girlfriend. But the girlfriends don’t last, just like me. Everyone thinks they are different when they come into a relationship. So look at the pattern, look at the guy you are pursuing for a relationship. Look at the little things and don’t let them pass as oh I am just crazy to think that. Go with your gut instinct. In my case there were little red flags in the beginning. He pursued me heavily, had to have a girlfriend. In fact, within a week of meeting him he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was like high school all over again. I loved it and drank it up. That was a red flag. The gay guy fluttering his hand at his own chest to me when he looked at my boyfriend as that guy gasps for air…red flagola. That was a red flag that I ignored. My boyfriend kissing him on the lips only when we were at the gay meeting and not when he saw him out in public. And not sitting with him when we were all out to dinner in a large group. Red flag. The gay guy having a normal voice around my boyfriend on his voicemail sounding SO flamboyant. Red flag. My boyfriend is best friends with a gay woman who has family access to his gay friend, they see each other during those times when I am around and visits at that house when I am not around. Red flag. But I want to concentrate on the early red flags that could have saved me a lot of heartache. A heterosexual guy involved in gay activities or groups. A red flag too when he brings you to them to show others in a subtle out of the way, “I’m not gay, see I have a girlfriend with me holding my hand and she’s pretty”. Another red flag was he had a lot of female gay friends. A way to be around gay men because in my opinion gay men have gay women as friends. So notice if your boyfriend has gay women as friends. And is around groups where there are gay men. And is he friends with the best looking gay man? Does the gay man storm out of the room when he brings his girlfriend with him? Looking back, he purposely brought me around to show and tell he has a girlfriend because I think he fears anything coming out that he has sex with a man. I feel so used and misused but it’s my entire fault for being blind by choice. Because was so in love and never had that kind of attention from anyone before. I feel hurt and abandoned. Because after this last discussion with my boyfriend that it just doesn’t look right to be out with an openly gay guy and asked to make love to him (he said I only wanted to have sex to feel loved), he then said I was putting him in a box and pushed him to much then asked me to move out. Most people break up because someone cheated and got caught. In my case, God opened up my eyes.
I knew deep down inside that if I kept my mouth shut he would still be my boyfriend and I would be in the background noticing more things. No thank you. I don’t need this torment at the risk of keeping what I thought was his love He did me a favor. I just wish I would have acted on the first red flag. But I had no experience with the gay/BI community before.
Lesson learned. Gay men when going out with BI’s keep their secrets, I think its an unwritten code in my opinion. Don’t expect someone to have your back. You have to be vigilant on your own. The gay community doesn’t out these BI guys with girlfriends. AND IS THERE SUCH THING AS A BI GUY. ISN’T HE CONSIDERED GAY? I DON’T KNOW. STILL LEARNING BUT MORE ALERT NOW. I have nothing against gay men and still have nothing against them, some of the sweetest nicest guys I know are gay. They have a right to love and be loved like anyone else for sure.
I do have somehting against a lying cheating boyfriend who uses his girlfriend as a cloak because hes too afraid to come out or embarassed to be labled BI Sexual for fear of what his hetero friends will think. I think these men should seek professional help because it is not normal. It hurts and its not fair to be cheated out of the best year of my life.
o:smack::smack:
Whoa there, Wally O’Text. I’m not really sure what to address there.
Yes, there are bisexual men. No, your boyfriend shouldn’t have cheated on you regardless of who he’s cheating on you with. No, a straight man with lesbian friends does not mean that he is secretly on the hunt for gay men.
I have no way of knowing based solely on your post whether your ex-boyfriend is gay and confused, gay and deceitful, bi and a jerk or whether you are a crazy person misrepresenting the situation. Assuming the last one is not the case, the problem seems to be less that he is bi and more that he’s a jerk. Some bi people manage to live quite happily in monogamous relationships. Lying cheating jerks, however, come in all flavors. I’m sorry for your pain, such as it is. Time to move on.