*<deep breath>
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!
<pant, pant>
Why, oh why oh bloomin’ why does everything happen at once?
Picture the scene: A hard working [sub]honest[/sub] postgrad, reaching the end of several years of exciting and cutting edge research (hmmm), has the opportunity to spend a week using a [sub]very large and very powerful[/sub] picosecond laser. Luckily the student in question researches stuff to do with lasers, so this is all good thesis fodder.
Standard Problems:
[list=a]
[li]The end of the research is rapidly approaching and deadlines are either looming, or having to be extended - this means that paperwork has to be filled in.[/li][li]The lack of proper work (full-time, non-student work) has caused a notable decrease in the quantity of financial stored material available to said student over the course of the research.[/li][li]The amount of work per day needing to be done is increasing due to the nearing deadlines.[/li][/list]
Not an unusual situation, and one which was anticipated at the start of the research - despite vowing never to let things get to that stage. Definitely nothing to really be unhappy with, afterall I chose to do this and the rewards to be reaped upon leaving and getting a job with my new qualifications are substantial.
Why the rant?
Hmmm. Is it because I have to take time away from completing my work in order to fill in a form with reasons why I haven’t completed my work?
Nah…
Maybe it’s because I have to find out what paperwork is recquired, when it is needed by, and who has it by participating in some campus-wide version of Cluedo that no one is going to tell me the rules for, let alone who else is playing?
I doubt it…
Perhaps it’s because the University seems to be staffed by a bunch of second-hand necrophilic felching straws in human shape?
Could be.
I have just spent the last month trying to design, construct and test a working vacuum chamber, with heater (let’s not forget the heater[sup]oh yes, I’ll never forget the heater[/sup]) in order to perform the aforementioned week of [sub]really rather huge and impressive[/sub] laser use. This meant that, due to the small window of opportunity, I had to stop working on [sup]filling in the forms saying why I hadn’t finished[/sup] my thesis. I also had to sort out the packaging and shipping of said chamber into the US, which includes the documentation to get it through customs (without being accidentally lost in a controlled explosion).
All was going well - the chamber was nearing completion, and testing was about to start. I’d just recovered from a bout of the usual cold which goes around at the start of the year. Things looked juicy. Well, apart from the targets I was trying to glue onto aluminium discs. I use cylindrical targets glued onto Al discs using silver paint. Have done for years - never had any problem. I had two targets, two discs, and some silver paint.
Could I get the paint to stick the targets on? Are Bears Catholic? Does the Pope…but I digress.
I tried twice, thinking that perhaps the first time the discs weren’t clean enough - this meant I spent 3 hours in the cleanroom, sweating away in a bunny suit wearing double layers of plastic and latex accoutrements, manipulating tweezers and containers of clear fluids…
…I then cleaned the discs. 
Nope. They didn’t stick. Okay, change tack - I borrowed some epoxy from another postgrad and tried that. Hey presto! It worked! Hurrah! Things were back looking juicy.
You can guess what’s about to happen can’t you.
No - I wasn’t abducted by a race of cybernetic gerbil-like nymphomaniac dildos with a predilecition for naked twister…
That was last year. :eek:
What happened was something minor - my heater (yes - the heater) broke. The wire on one end of the element snapped due to ‘wear and tear’. Ok, thought I, I’ll replace it with the spare (which was bought for such an eventuality).
This only took most of one day - threading 200 ceramic beads onto a 1mm diameter wire, whilst wearing rubber gloves…
Incidentally, it’s amazing how many strange looks I didn’t get when I was wandering around campus holding a pack of latex gloves (powderless), a pint of tea and a 6 inch long temperature probe.
I think I got more strange looks when I wandered around holding a banana and a passport.
Where was I? Oh yes - wearing rubber gloves.
ahem
…and trying to solder two wires attached to a kilogram of metal without letting the metal touch anything else, dropping hot flux onto my arm [sub]again[/sub] and trying not to sneeze. Did I mention I had a cold?
I had a cold. It was a nice one - with the yellow spots and the dull ache. Not enough pain to warrant drugs, but enough to make your thought processes slower.
Anyway, I finished replacing the heater and reassembled the chamber. I then soldered on the new power supply - the old one didn’t have enough omfph - and wired it up to the mains. Then, checking the DVM to make sure the heater wasn’t on, I rushed off to do some demonstrating (in order to buy luxuries like beer and car parts).
After a prolonged session with some undergrads (behave!) I returned to my office to find several emails and handwritten notes from my supervisor expressing concern over the way I was testing the heater. Imagine my surprise, I hadn’t started testing it yet…had I?
OH FUCKING TESTICLES FROM SATAN’S SLIMY SCROTAL SACS!
The bloody new PSU doesn’t have an on/off switch - as soon as I plugged it in it was running at maximum power!!
I sprinted to the lab and found that A) The temperature was 395ºC and dropping rapidly, B) The voltage was reading OL, not 0, Over[sub]fucking[/sub]load C) The heater was now open circuit, burnt out, kaput, destroyed.
Two heaters in one day! Not bad going. Ho-hum. Still all I had to do was order some more custom made elements and get them to arrive in under one week, rather than the 2-5 weeks delivery which the company quoted. And that’s assuming that the person who makes the elements is in and not on holiday (like he was).
Insert the expletive of your choice here:
My personal favourite is poot. Or fudgecakes. But, somehow, they don’t seem to quite blow my goat in this situation. Heck, they don’t even inflate my hamster.
A knock-on effect of this breakage was that I had to stop filling out the Carnet application (document for temporary exportation of goods) since I might have to change the list of equipment [sub]again[/sub] and carry the heater part out later, so that I could test it. Damn!
STROKE OF LUCK!!!
<cue bad sound effect>
Another postgrad in my office had borrowed my heater specifications in order to buy a couple of elements for one of his experiments. These had just arrived and he was giving up on that particular experiment. Bingo!
phew I now just had to go through the whole rigmarole of putting ceramic beads onto a thin wire…again.
It’s about now that I notice problem B. I have no longer got enough money to pay the next months rent without going overdrawn (a situation I prefer to avoid). Also I need to buy a new engine for my car and as time passes this gets more urgent and my car gives a better and better impression of a wounded kangaroo stapled to a skip.
No worries, I just need to get a part-time job (along with demonstrating). But, wait! I forget problem C - I have not enough time to do that…unless I do less work.
Ah, but doing less work just exaggerates problem A.
Okay, tighten belt (remember, there are lots worse off than you) and just accrue debts until a job is got. And walk everywhere.
Oh, did I mention that around about now I got another cold?
I did.
The new heater was assembled and I had 3 days to test before I needed to ship it out. Oh, and I could now sort out the customs documentation, which takes at least 24hrs to process, giving me one day to do that.
It was about now that I noticed that I had left my wallet and phone in a friend’s car and I didn’t have his phone number (except in my phone, which he had). Nothing drastic, I had some money on me, and I can always use my work phone when in the office. The main problem is that my wallet contained the card to get into my office.
Bugger me backwards with a barge pole!
Still, nothing I can do about it. Just wait for a friend to contact him and tell him to look for them and return them to me (thank heavens for friends!).
I was then rung up by the demonstration lab technician who reminded me that I was duty demonstrator that week - this meant I should be present for the whole of the lab, not just the first and last half hour of the 6 hours of lab. Great! Another blow to my time, and just when I most needed some spare time.
Right, scratch off going rock-climbing (something I’d been looking forward to for a few weeks) - it was going to be a late nighter. Oh, and scratch the rehearsal I missed because I forgot when it was (having lost my schedule) and thus double booked with rock-climbing.
2 packets of crisps and 24hrs later I identified one problem with the PSU - this meant that I lost testing time getting it rewired so that it worked. The wiring problem coming about since the company which made the bloody thing also made incomprehensible data sheets, with more BS than you could comfortably wedge in the colon of a small Gnu. That was done and I went back to testing (very carefully to avoid breaking my second-to-last heater.
One mars bar and 36hrs later I had almost finished my testing, had 1 hour to go before the rig was going to be picked up for packing and shipping. I poped out of the lab for two minutes, to grab my supervisor and get him to see the PSU working as planned in a feedback loop (keeping the heater at a steady temperature).
When I got back to the lab I found that the temperature had dropped and the heater had burnt out. It took about 20 minutes to verify this fact, and also come to the conclusion that there was nothing we could do. This left me 40 minutes to get all my bits together for when the packing people arrived.
The packer person [sub]is there a proper title for these people?[/sub] arrived and was quite laid-back. He told me to take my time, which was nice. I told him that I didn’t have that much time since I had to go and demonstrate in about half an hour.
I then proceeded to carefully pack all my optics, samples, chamber, spares, tools, etc., etc. During which time I dropped one target from about 3 inches and broke it off the holder. I also impaled my index finger knuckle on a 1cm wire pin (liberally spreading blood around the clean room). Oh, and got Zinc selenide all over my hands (a toxic chemical which gives you very bad BO if you get poisoned - I’m still waiting to find out if I have). Oh bugger! I couldn’t face trying to reattach the target to the disc, and then carry it through customs without any documentation, so I just pretended it didn’t happen and bunged it into the box. I reckon that’ll come back to haunt me when I start the actual weeks work.
Packing done. Hurrah! Customs documentation to do: Get into car, turn key. Get out of car. Clean spark plugs. Drop part of plug into engine. Push car down drive. Search drive for small part. Find part, stick into engine. Replace last plug. Get in car, turn key. Car starts. Drive down to the Chamber of Commerce and Industry. Give them the forms. Drive back.
Twiddle fingers waiting for okay from the Chamber. Get okay just after most offices shut for the day. Go off to a committee meeting for 4 hours.
Next day - get into work and pick up address of packing people. Drive to Chamber of C&I. Pick up completed documentation. Get in car, turn key. Turn key. Put into gear and roll down hill whilst turning key. Car starts. Drive back to work. Type out letter of authorisation. Find interrupt meeting and get supervisor to sign paperwork. Drive to Packing people and give them the documentation. Drive back to work.
I now had everything finished, except some paperwork I had to get my supervisor to sign (in relation to problem A) before he left for America the next day. I did that about 2 hours ago. I now have time to find some food and then go home and relax for a couple of days.
Where the hell does all this work come from, and why does it always happen when you are busiest???
My theory is that there are small, teeny-tiny Jaffa cakes subverting our governments.
[sup]Mind you, it has been a long month.[/sup] 
PT
*(about to go home and do nothing for a long time…)