This reminds me very much of a situation a few years ago, when my wife’s younger brother had become involved with a woman who had a lot of problems, and also a young daughter.
It didn’t work out, and he told us he didn’t want to be stuck in the situation, but the woman would not leave (and may have made threats of suicide if forced to leave).
We (me, my wife and his father) had to fly to that state and do an intervention. We moved her out of his house, and paid one month of hotel bills for her. With the understanding that this was it, there is no more liability.
The bottom line is: you can’t save every abandoned kitten.
Alas, the kids in those situations are the losers…
Short and sweet: move on. Nobody wins by staying in this situation.
If you are anything like me, you’ll not heed this advice, and you’ll stick it out, maybe last a decade or two, and in the end, the relationship falls apart anyway.
Agreed. I didn’t know if you were referring to your fiance’s kids, or perhaps from a previous relationship.
You say you’ve read previous threads here. You should know how rare it is for folk to be as close to unanimous as we are here.
First step, cancel the wedding plans. Second step - decide between whether you want to try a separation to get some distance and see if anything can be salvaged, or just go ahead and cut your losses.
She sounds like she has considerable issues. There ought to be some damned amazing reasons why you would want to make those YOUR lifelong (or until divorce) issues. And I’m sure the kids are sympathetic, and will have a rough time growing up with such a mom. If you want to help out kids like that, look into being a Big Brother or something.
FWIW: It’s perfectly normal for somebody to think of their SO’s kids as their step kids (or just their kids) even when not married. This bullshit view of “there is only one way to define a family” is why I can’t add my kids to my health insurance through work, despite being their only caretaker.
I’m no longer married to their mother, and they aren’t biologically mine, so they aren’t eligible, because somebody else decided that’s not the accepted definition of a familial relationship.
I’ll join the chorus. And I’ve been married three times, so I have some experience trying to make things work. I wish someone would have told me “don’t do it” when I was having doubts but thought I could work it out. Although maybe I wouldn’t have listened.
A good relationship is sometimes work, but it’s not always work. It’s not always stressful. The default should be eagerly looking forward to time together.
While I’m sure there are exceptions, in my experience if you have to ask “is this a mistake,” it is a mistake. When a relationship is working, even if there is room for improvement, you don’t see the things described in the OP.
I know you’ve got some rough days ahead whether you take the advice or not. But I hope you take it and get to the immense relief part soon. We’re rooting for you. (((@NegativeZer0)))
Though we generally get one side of the relationship story here, it does seem like the two of you have been paying somebody to hear both sides of the story.
Cognizant that I’m asking only you this question … what has your couples counselor’s basic feedback to the two of you been?
Definitely…here’s my thing too: I hear the advice (“don’t do it!”) and part of me wants to take it and run; but there is that other (LOUDER) part of my brain saying “Nah, you can fix this; things can get better”.
I understand that quite well. I have overlooked a lot of red flags.
Baby steps. Once you start, follow through.
You Can do this, like a great man once said, “It gets better.”
Totally understand the “onesidedness” of this conversation. It seems to me that so much of our counseling has revolved around my problems and issues, and the things I need to do or be doing to fix them and change things and help our relationship improve. Our couples counselor has emphasized that only I have the ability to control my honesty, my integrity, and my communication; and that my partner has the control to decide whether or not she will trust me, respect me, and want to stay with me. Our counselor has not really had much feedback other than, to my partner, “Let him show you through his actions that he is willing to change”; and, to me, “You have all the control to change yourself. Or not. If you don’t want to change, and don’t want to be with [partner], that is up to you.”
That seems awfully one-sided.
Of course we don’t know the details as to why your mate doesn’t trust you.
I can’t see it being completely your fault. Save a few very bad things.
You seem caring and aware, how bad could it be?
30-odd posts with STOP (marriage plans)
0-odd posts with FOLLOW THROUGH
that’s not even anecdotical anymore, thats statistics, right there.
I don’t want to sound patronizing (really, I don’t) … but here is what I say to my teenage kids …
Do what is right, not what is easy!
… and you already know what is right.
What I did pick up in the OP: things started going sour when you were committing to getting married? … how was the relationship before? (it sounded like this was the trigger)…
At the very least, postpone the wedding and set some conditions that need to be hit before considering marriage again - mostly that you both get to some kind of happy place where you are happy in each other’s company and don’t start fighting at the drop of a hat.
If her trust issues involve you cheating on her, that’s going to be very hard to get past - especially if she has depression and other issues. I’m afraid it will be the elephant in the room for a very long time.
Frankly, your relationship looks like the terminal phase of a broken marriage. Given that you are just getting started, that’s ominous. I don’t like your chances, and you don’t want to become even more entwined with someone who makes you miserable.
This sounds like you did not hear her old therapist say that. You heard your SO tell you that was what her therapist said. And you believed it.
In my opinion she was lying to you then and she’s mostly lying to you now.
That sounds like exactly what happens when the counselor has been “captured” by one person’s narrative and has decided that person is perfect and the other is a disaster.
Lying schemers are very good at setting up that situation, and IMO the couples’ counselor has fallen for your SO’s line of BS hook line and sinker.
As to the kids.
There are millions of kids living in screwed up situations. You can’t save them all. You can’t save these particular two either, because your SO and your relationship will prevent that. They hate being trapped with your two fighting more than they can express.
There are also millions of kids in single parent households that are not led by a deeply troubled personality. Those kids deserve a father figure just as much as the kids you already know.
If you want to “save” some kids, at least pick some where the parent is part of the solution, not most of the problem.
This cannot get better. Your SO’s unsolvable issues, and your mutual incompatibility, will ensure that.
The only question is how many more days and nights you’ll live in perpetual fear and anger while voluntarily remaining in this situation.
The issue is that…while I did use the phrase “we always seem to be fighting”…there are good times and happy times…for example, earlier this week, we had a night to ourselves and just kinda…hung out. Ran errands; grabbed dinner; made a fun treat at home. It was fun and happy and we both enjoyed ourselves…those moments rekindle my hope and make me feel bad for even ever considering ending this…but it’s hard to remember and focus on those good moments when we ARE fighting or during those miserable moments.
There was no cheating, nor has there ever been. The trust issues stem more from my lack of communication, my failure to actually share how I am feeling or thinking about things that are bothering me and bringing them up to my partner when I should have.
I know, it’s very hard. I was in a similar relationship long ago: we were attracted to each other and had some good times. But we weren’t right for each other, and deep down we knew it.
The thing is, we can’t solve this for you. You asked for advice, and you have received a fairly unanimous concensus.
What in fact are you looking for? Support to keep sitting on the fence?
You know what you have to do. Bite the bullet.
Plenty has been said enough in this thread, but this is the kicker:
You already said earlier that you’d feel immense relief if the wedding were called off. Your partner says here she doesn’t even know why she’s together with you.
So if neither of you wants to marry, why marry?
At the very least, postpone that wedding by 2 years or something. There’s zero reason to rush into marriage.
posts with FOLLOW THROUGH