Relationship Thread #1,000,006 (Very long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hello, all. I’ve been lurking here for a while now, and I think you’re the nicest, smartest, coolest bunch of people I’ve ever not met. So I turn to you now in my time of need. This isn’t about any relationship I’ve had; rather I ask your advice on behalf of my brother.

He’s just shy of 32 y.o., tall, good-looking, and very shy. He’s only had two relationships in his life, neither of which worked out too well. When he was 26, he broke up with his first girlfriend, a cruel harpy who also liked to sleep around. Fun times ensued. About this time he met a girl. Let’s call her…Jane. Oh, Jane. How you have ruined all our lives. Anyways, everything was peachy keen for a while. They got on like two high-school kids, and she acted like a big sister to me. Sure, she was insecure and wore an extraordinary amount of makeup. But I have to admit she was fun, and I wouldn’t really have minded if they got hitched. At about the end of the third year, things took a turn for the worse. My mom had never approved of their relationship; she thought that Jane was not to be trusted. I always rolled my eyes at my mom, but maybe she had a point. Jewlery started to go missing. Then money. Jane started demanding that my brother take her out to a fancy place every night, because “he had the money”. She started accusing him numerous times of cheating, even though he wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing. She started pressuring him endlessly about marriage and kids, because “she didn’t have that much time”, even though she was at the ripe old age of 23 at the time. [Disclaimer: Maybe she had a point. I mean, three years is a long time. But at this point, my brother was going through a lot of bad stuff with our parents’ divorce and didn’t want to make any decisions. Even though he told her this numerous times, she still pestered him like an angry dog.] She started harping on him endlessly and starting fights for no reason. Eventually he got tired of it and talked about breaking it off. She begged and pleaded and cried and told him she would change. He relented. But it only got worse from there. More stuff went missing. She started making plans with him, then blowing him off. We eventually figured out that she slept with four different guys while in the relationship. That’s right, folks. Four. She acted distant and angry all the time, whining about how hard her life was because she couldn’t afford to fix her Mercedes. :rolleyes: While my brother went through hell and back in his own life, she only made everything harder. She put more pressure on him for marriage. Got angry when she didn’t get her way in everything. The last 6-ish months were a hellish time. My brother went through tumultuous emotions. He felt that it was all his fault and actually begged her to spend time with him. She acted like a spoiled child and toyed with him. She actually bullied him for a while. On their last Valentine’s Day together, he went all out. Got her flowers, dinner, candles, balloons, even a ring. But it wasn’t an engagement ring. She freaked out and left. At one point in their conversation later on, she said “Do you have any idea what you put me through on Valentine’s Day?” :eek: :mad: I prayed one of them would have the nerve to break it off. Finally it happened. I danced for joy that he wouldn’t be under that harpy’s spell any longer.

Oh, but it was not to be. She started texting him, asking why he never proposed to her. Telling him she “just wanted to talk”. Like the poor willing sap that he is, he texted her back. In the last week, they’ve gone out maybe three times. He’s said that if she’ll take him back, he’s going to propose to her.

Why? Because he doesn’t want to be alone.

Oh, brother. My poor sad, pathetic brother. My willing dupe. Why are such a masochist? Why do you insist on ruining your life? Why do you make yourself blind to the fact that this girl treated you like the crap on her shoe? And now you’re going to ask her to take you back?

Why, God, why?

So you, straight dopers, tell me…

What do I do? I’ve tried talking him out of it, even offered him money to break it off once and for all, but it is to no avail. My mom insists that if he goes through with it, she’ll disown him. I think she’s just pushing him into it more. What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? I am completely at a loss. Help.

2

Sounds like you’ve done all you can do, short of getting him to hang out with your attractive friends…

3

Alas, Stauderhorse, there is nothing you can do.

It’s horrible to watch the train wreck of a sibling’s life.

A therapist/counselor should be able to help your bro deal with some of the issues, but you can’t make him go there.

I wish you and your brother strength.

4

But I don’t have attractive friends… :frowning:

Got any nice, pretty girls I could borrow?

5

Thanks, freckafree. It wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t close, but we’ve been best friends since I was a kid.

This sucks.

6

Your brother only date “nice, pretty” girls? Those girls are few and far between. And usually taken. Maybe he should lay off the “pretty” for a while and just go with “nice.”

7

I tell him that all the time. But he doesn’t listen. Maybe I can get him to read this thread and he’ll listen to y’all.

8

They don’t have to be attractive then, I only say that because it would be like a carrot on a stick… Ok, how about nice girl friends? Any that might go for him?

9

Eh, that’s kind of the problem. Neither of us are very sociable and have trouble meeting people. I do have a friend who would be perfect for him, but she’s married. That being said, I don’t have any good friends he could spend time with.

We both work in a restaurant, and one of the waitresses there is very sweet and pretty. They’re always sort of flirting with each other, but he’s said he doesn’t like her personality. Let me give you the exact quote from him. “I’d do her, but I don’t like her.” :rolleyes: Because of her immigration status, she’s being forced to leave the country. If she married an American, however, she wouldn’t have to leave. I pestered them about it all day today, but neither one wants to get married. Darnit.

10

Well, it’s not so bad, especially if he’s poor and doesn’t have a lot of money or property to lose when the crash finally happens.

I imagine this may be his “starter” marriage. Most first marriages fail, so just tell him to expect it and recognize that bailing out at some point is going to be a less miserable proposition that trying to keep it together.

11

Uh, then that is kind of a problem. He is definitely not short of property or money. Probably what attracted her in the first place.

I could be optimistic about the possibility of divorce, but he’s the kind of guy who’d try anything to keep a relationship from falling apart.

This is going to turn out really bad no matter what, isn’t it?

12

He’s loaded and he likes hot chicks?

Yeah. He’s going to get trounced on a few times before he finds someone who is genuine.

13

I know. I just wish he wasn’t so naive and trusting. But then that’s what makes him a great guy. Thanks for your advice/thoughts. I appreciate having someone to talk to about this.

14

Most?? No. Not most. A good number, but by no stretch of the imagination can you say most first marriages fail.
Ahem. I do not really see what you can do to mitigate the disaster coming down the pike, Stauderhorse. I’m sorry about that. About the best I think you could do is to convince him to get into counseling ‘in order to work through all the junk of the past few years,’ and hope that along the way he will realize that he’s worth more than this and that being alone is preferable to being in a terrible marriage.

15

Ok, then start working on the idea of a pre-nup, so he can protect himself. He might also be unpleasantly surprised by her reaction to the very idea.

16

Last I heard the number was over 50%, which would qualify for “most”. But I could be wrong – I’ll look into it.

17

[QUOTE=dangermomAbout the best I think you could do is to convince him to get into counseling ‘in order to work through all the junk of the past few years,’ and hope that along the way he will realize that he’s worth more than this and that being alone is preferable to being in a terrible marriage.[/QUOTE]

I doubt he would think it a good idea, but I’ll give it a try.

18

Not a bad idea. She wouldn’t take kindly to the idea, and he might realize what he’s getting himself into.

Hmm…

19

IIRC, the number was around 50% for some years, but has actually been declining recently. Also, that percentage is for all marriages, not just first ones, and there are quite a few people who go through several marriages (a la Liz Taylor), thus pushing up the numbers. The percentage of married people who get divorced is smaller than the percentage of marriages that fail, because of that.

“Most” sounds to me like “a real majority”–such as over, say, 60% at least.

At any rate, I will be interested to see whatever statistics you dig up. All my reading for the past few years has said that divorces are going down a bit, however.

20

Well, you may be right. There are all kinds of numbers of marriages and divorces within a calendar year, but it seems trickier to pull out the stats I was looking for. The most direct numbere I can find is from Divorce Forum. Here is what they say:

This is for all marriages, not just first marriagess. I would guess the first marriage rate is higher still, but I haven’t found any stats to back that up. There are some other articles I found suggesting the the lower divorce rate is reflective of a lower marriage rate, as more couples choose to cohabit without marriage and break up without divorce.