So we just ended it this morning. I know it’s for the best. But damn, this sure does suck right now. She was the first “real” GF I had since my divorce some 15 years ago. I say “real” as in: “I love you! Let’s spend the rest of our lives together!”
Oh well, at least I can walk away from this knowing I am capable of being in a relationship again. Something I wasn’t sure of before I met her.
Dang it! Is it 5 O’clock yet?
Sorry to hear that. In the other thread it didn’t sound particularly helpful.
It sounds like this was a mutual thing? Was it related at all to the communication issues in the aforementioned thread?
I’m sorry it had to end this way.
Thanks.
Basically it boiled down to not being able to find a middle ground. Basically I needed “this” she needed “that”. I was trying to find a place in the middle that would work for both of us. But she was unwilling to budge. She felt, because of my past deeds, I should move all the way over to her side to make up for it.
I’m not going to lie. I made some BIG mistakes in the beginning. It was my first serious relationship in a very long time. And when these intense emotions started to develope, I handled it poorly. I never cheated on her, I never abused her. But I did act like a little shit. I broke up with her a couple of times because I didn’t feel like she was giving me enough of a priority in her life. Then I would regret breaking up with her and beg her to take me back. Which she did.
Any sane girl would be well with in her mind to just write me off at that point. But she didn’t and she took me back. I took it upon myself to seek counseling to help me deal with these emotions. Which worked.
Except for the fact, that now, I was ignoring my own needs just to keep her happy. I basically developed a codependency, I was so afraid of losing her, I just buried my own hurt to keep her in my life. My counselor kept trying to talk sense into me telling me that shit ain’t gonna work.
After much counseling, her words finally sunk in. So I basically took a stand this time. I told my GF that I truly am sorry for me behavior in the beginning, but you forgave me and I can’t live in this relationship in perpetual apology. These are my needs, can we find some sort of middle ground?
She wasn’t having it though. So after much back and forth she tells me this morning “Fuck it! I don’t care anymore! You don’t get me and you never will!”
And with that, it was over.
Her bad parts were basically refusing to communicate with me, accusing me of crap I didn’t do, accusing me of lying, and not knowing her boundaries. By that I mean, she was trying to control how I spend my money. She claims I’m irresponsible with it. That I don’t spend enough of it on altruistic endeavors.
Excuse me, but my bills are getting paid and I give to charity quite often thank you very much.
It doesn’t sound like there was a lot of trust in the relationship. It does sound like you’re better off without her.
IME after 14 years with the same dude, the way compromise works isn’t ‘‘every time we disagree we come to some middle ground that neither of us are happy about,’’ but more along the lines of picking our battles. ‘‘You get your way this time because you obviously care about this more than I do.’’ It gets trickier when you both feel equally strongly. If your finances are separate there’s no way in hell she should be trying to control how you spend your money. I suspect you would have spent the duration of the relationship trying to make someone happy who is determined not to be.
I can sympathize with making mistakes. I fucked up big time in my marriage a couple of years ago when I was going through a major depression (no cheating or leaving, just… I dunno, emotional abandonment, for lack of a better word.) The guilt I had when I finally came out of it ended up taking over every aspect of our relationship. I felt like I had to prove myself to him every day. Eventually, we just had to sit down and recognize we both made major mistakes. We decided to move forward like things were new again.
Not everybody has partners who are willing to do that, they always want that trump card to hang onto so they can get their way, but to me that’s not a healthy relationship. (Although we do have a running joke that I have the ultimate trump card for any argument – ‘‘I lived in New Jersey for you!’’)