Not sure why I am writing all this. I just need to get it off my chest and I have no one to talk to. After seven years of marriage my wife has decided that she wants a divorce. She is adamant about it and wont change her mind.
We have had problems in the past. It hasn’t really been a great marriage, but we have always truly loved each other and we thought that was enough to make it through. But this is the real world and not Hollywood. Our problems were to real to ignore. For one I could never control my anger. Any little thing would set me off. I’m not sure why. After talking to some people she thinks I may have bipolar disorder because of my wild ass mood swings. I also have an unhealthy “thing” about sex, and in the end, that’s what killed our marriage.
See, we were married when we were both 18. We were each other’s first and only sexual experience. Seven years later it was still like that. Our sex life was decreased to once every two weeks and even then it was just missionary. For me it was like she was forcing herself through the act.
So, I came up with this bright idea of having an open marriage. I figured our problem was that since we had never been with anyone else we just didn’t know how to please our mate. My wife was never one for watching pornos. She would never had thought of looking at the Kama Sutra and such, she thought it was all dirty and that sex was only for procreation not recreation.
But for some reason she had agreed to this. It struck me as kind of odd at first but then I learned why. She had just started a new job, tech support for AOHell, and ion this class was a guy who caught her eye. She said this dude just fucking paid attention to her the all the time in training. Paying for her lunch, going on break with her, etc. It also turned out that I went to school with this guy and that I knew him indirectly. Anyway, a few days later she asked me for permission to sleep with him. I figured what the heck. Our emotional relationship was strong enough to survive it and I was the one who brought it up in the first place. No biggie.
I was wrong. The day that she was supposed to go out with him I was graciously informed at work that I was being laid off that day. Pack my stuff and get out. I wa so depressed and went straight home hoping for some comfort. I got there and told my wife everything. She was kind of upset, especially since we just bought our house less than one year ago and we were having trouble with the mortgage as it was. But she actually looked at me and asked me if it was still allright if she went through with her plans that night. I was shocked. I came home looking for comfort and she just basically had someone else on her mind. I was hurt but just to show her I cared for her I told her to go ahead, no problem.
She left about 9 at night. It was the worst night for me in my life. I didn’t sleep a wink. She finally rolled back in around 10 in the morning. I didn’t really ask her if she did anything or not and we just kept out of each others way. Finally we got to talking and she just let it out that it was the best sex she had in 4 years. She also let out the bombshell that she wanted a divorce, that the passion was gone out of our marriage and it couldn’t be fixed. I was devastated. I didn’t know how to handle it so I did what I normally do. I got mad and whiny. It all went to hell. Finally after argueing she said that she over-reacted. That it was just new and exciting and that she wanted our marriage to have the same pizazz so that over all it was a good experience. Now it was just my turn to do it and I thought, “Cool.”
The next few days were tense. She was really mopey, said she felt guilty for what she did but that at the same time she enjoyed every minute of it. It seemed to me that she didn’t know how to handle it. Finally we sat down and talked. She said that her life was going in a different direction and that the marriage was really over. I did the only thing I could do, I tried to commit suicide. I OD’ed on a bottle of anti-depressants that she had. I didn’t tell her but she found the bottle and put 2 and 2 together and called the cops. Now here in Florida they have some fucked up law called the Baker Act. Under that act, since I was perceived as a danger to myself, all of my civil liberties were stripped away and I was committed to a mental institution against my will. I don’t remember much but I do remember waking up in ICU very dissappointed that I wasn’t dead.
I spent a total of five days there before I was able to con my way out and let the doctors think I was OK. The entire time I was there she only came to visit my only 3 days and then for only half an hour each day. She didn’t talk to me, she wouldn’t kiss me, she barely acknowledged my pressence there.
Its been close to a month now and we have been living at our house together. We talked tonight and I found out a few things that have really bothered me. She still wants a divorce. She says she loves me but she was to “experiment” and feels that it would be wrong in the confines of marriage. She has told me that she wants to know what it is like to be with other men and that she wants me to experience the same thing with other women. The other night she went out with one of her girlfriend and didn’t come home until 6:15 in the morning. Today she actually told me that she went out with her girlfriend’s husband. She told me that she let him fell her up and that she enjoyed it. The couple has an open relationship and the wife actually wants in on it to and my wife is willing. She is out again today doing lord knows what. My wife wont let me touch her, or look at her or anything because she feels guilty for what she has done but yet is continueing down the same path again.
I guess the last seven years for her were nothing. I provided the best I could. By the age of twenty-three I had bought us a house, we had tow cars and were kind of comfortable until she had lost her job. But I guess that meant nothig to her. Like I said, I had my problems. I had anger issues and I may be manic deppressive but my intentions were also good. The only thing I ever wanted was to make her and my son happy. Now thanks to one stupid little mistake I am losing everything. My house, my wife, my son. I don’t know who I should be angry at. Myself? Her? The world?
I want to beg her to stay. I wont be able to find anybody. I wont be able to love anybody like I love her. I beleive that I am not attractive. I am fat. Not to mention the fact that I have no friends. She is my only friend. I realize that that put a lot of undue stress on her but can’t help it. I think I may also have a social anxiety disorder. I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life while she goes out and parties and lord knows what else. It’s not fair.
I wish I could just go back through time. There were so many other ways to fix a marriage. Why did I have to think of this. My intentions were good. But as they say, " The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
I don’t know why I am writing this. I have no one to talk now. I know she isn’t coming coming home. She packed an overnight bag. I just want this to be over so bad. I feel like such an idiot.