I'm Getting A Divorce

Not sure why I am writing all this. I just need to get it off my chest and I have no one to talk to. After seven years of marriage my wife has decided that she wants a divorce. She is adamant about it and wont change her mind.

We have had problems in the past. It hasn’t really been a great marriage, but we have always truly loved each other and we thought that was enough to make it through. But this is the real world and not Hollywood. Our problems were to real to ignore. For one I could never control my anger. Any little thing would set me off. I’m not sure why. After talking to some people she thinks I may have bipolar disorder because of my wild ass mood swings. I also have an unhealthy “thing” about sex, and in the end, that’s what killed our marriage.

See, we were married when we were both 18. We were each other’s first and only sexual experience. Seven years later it was still like that. Our sex life was decreased to once every two weeks and even then it was just missionary. For me it was like she was forcing herself through the act.

So, I came up with this bright idea of having an open marriage. I figured our problem was that since we had never been with anyone else we just didn’t know how to please our mate. My wife was never one for watching pornos. She would never had thought of looking at the Kama Sutra and such, she thought it was all dirty and that sex was only for procreation not recreation.

But for some reason she had agreed to this. It struck me as kind of odd at first but then I learned why. She had just started a new job, tech support for AOHell, and ion this class was a guy who caught her eye. She said this dude just fucking paid attention to her the all the time in training. Paying for her lunch, going on break with her, etc. It also turned out that I went to school with this guy and that I knew him indirectly. Anyway, a few days later she asked me for permission to sleep with him. I figured what the heck. Our emotional relationship was strong enough to survive it and I was the one who brought it up in the first place. No biggie.

I was wrong. The day that she was supposed to go out with him I was graciously informed at work that I was being laid off that day. Pack my stuff and get out. I wa so depressed and went straight home hoping for some comfort. I got there and told my wife everything. She was kind of upset, especially since we just bought our house less than one year ago and we were having trouble with the mortgage as it was. But she actually looked at me and asked me if it was still allright if she went through with her plans that night. I was shocked. I came home looking for comfort and she just basically had someone else on her mind. I was hurt but just to show her I cared for her I told her to go ahead, no problem.

She left about 9 at night. It was the worst night for me in my life. I didn’t sleep a wink. She finally rolled back in around 10 in the morning. I didn’t really ask her if she did anything or not and we just kept out of each others way. Finally we got to talking and she just let it out that it was the best sex she had in 4 years. She also let out the bombshell that she wanted a divorce, that the passion was gone out of our marriage and it couldn’t be fixed. I was devastated. I didn’t know how to handle it so I did what I normally do. I got mad and whiny. It all went to hell. Finally after argueing she said that she over-reacted. That it was just new and exciting and that she wanted our marriage to have the same pizazz so that over all it was a good experience. Now it was just my turn to do it and I thought, “Cool.”

The next few days were tense. She was really mopey, said she felt guilty for what she did but that at the same time she enjoyed every minute of it. It seemed to me that she didn’t know how to handle it. Finally we sat down and talked. She said that her life was going in a different direction and that the marriage was really over. I did the only thing I could do, I tried to commit suicide. I OD’ed on a bottle of anti-depressants that she had. I didn’t tell her but she found the bottle and put 2 and 2 together and called the cops. Now here in Florida they have some fucked up law called the Baker Act. Under that act, since I was perceived as a danger to myself, all of my civil liberties were stripped away and I was committed to a mental institution against my will. I don’t remember much but I do remember waking up in ICU very dissappointed that I wasn’t dead.

I spent a total of five days there before I was able to con my way out and let the doctors think I was OK. The entire time I was there she only came to visit my only 3 days and then for only half an hour each day. She didn’t talk to me, she wouldn’t kiss me, she barely acknowledged my pressence there.

Its been close to a month now and we have been living at our house together. We talked tonight and I found out a few things that have really bothered me. She still wants a divorce. She says she loves me but she was to “experiment” and feels that it would be wrong in the confines of marriage. She has told me that she wants to know what it is like to be with other men and that she wants me to experience the same thing with other women. The other night she went out with one of her girlfriend and didn’t come home until 6:15 in the morning. Today she actually told me that she went out with her girlfriend’s husband. She told me that she let him fell her up and that she enjoyed it. The couple has an open relationship and the wife actually wants in on it to and my wife is willing. She is out again today doing lord knows what. My wife wont let me touch her, or look at her or anything because she feels guilty for what she has done but yet is continueing down the same path again.

I guess the last seven years for her were nothing. I provided the best I could. By the age of twenty-three I had bought us a house, we had tow cars and were kind of comfortable until she had lost her job. But I guess that meant nothig to her. Like I said, I had my problems. I had anger issues and I may be manic deppressive but my intentions were also good. The only thing I ever wanted was to make her and my son happy. Now thanks to one stupid little mistake I am losing everything. My house, my wife, my son. I don’t know who I should be angry at. Myself? Her? The world?

I want to beg her to stay. I wont be able to find anybody. I wont be able to love anybody like I love her. I beleive that I am not attractive. I am fat. Not to mention the fact that I have no friends. She is my only friend. I realize that that put a lot of undue stress on her but can’t help it. I think I may also have a social anxiety disorder. I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life while she goes out and parties and lord knows what else. It’s not fair.

I wish I could just go back through time. There were so many other ways to fix a marriage. Why did I have to think of this. My intentions were good. But as they say, " The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I don’t know why I am writing this. I have no one to talk now. I know she isn’t coming coming home. She packed an overnight bag. I just want this to be over so bad. I feel like such an idiot.

Damn those stupid cyberhugs. And it’s not like you know me or I know you anyway, other than a username.

Looks like everything turned into a disaster for you.

I recommend some sort of couple counseling or mediation for you and your wife. Even if you are eventually going to divorce, you need to be able to communicate. It’ll be hard, but I think it will be worth it, whatever the outcome. At least you and she will be able to be honest about your feelings, whether in the context of a recovering marriage or an amicable divorce.

Sounds to me (and IANAPsychiatrist, nor am I wearing a psychiatrist dress-up set) like she’s feeling internal coflict and some shame type feeligns about her actions, and is running away from you and the marriage in order to avoid facing them within the marriage. I don’t think this is wise for her.

Get some relationship counselling, with at least some of your sessions together.

Man it seems like not to long ago I was goin through the same feelings of depression myself. All I have to offer is it will get better and the feelings of depression will subside. Stay strong brother; you still have your youth and alot more ladies to meet!

Also I might like to add that its ok to feel depressed and sorry for yourself now; but don’t let yourself get stuck in a rut. Keep in the back of your mind that eventualy it will be up to you to get yourself out of your depression. And when your ready to do that I sugest you go out and get yourself laid. It doesn’t matter by who just go out and do it and see what life has to offer.,

Divorce sucks bro. My wife left me a month ago and we have a little 2 year old girl. I don’t want a divorce but she does. There is no infidelity (as far as I know), but she just fell out of love with me.

So now I live across town alone. No friends. Feeling ugly. All the same shit you are feeling. I guess I will get over it, but its gonna be hard. All I can say is keep your chin up. You got some big balls to go ahead with the open marraige thing though. I would think that one thru again in your next relationship if I was you. But you already know that I am sure. I am a sexual perv and had thought about that with my wife before, but I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Anyway, good luck. Get ready for the child support. Thats what is killing me. $480 a month. :frowning: I love my baby girl more than life itself, but I know that my wife does not spend $960 a month on her.


This is among the saddest OP’s I’ve ever read.

I hope you can learn and grow from this horrible experience.

I’m sorry. I hope things improve for you quickly - and I hope you never again feel the need to try and take your own life. In fact, what I really really hope for you is that one day, when you’re a very old man, you look back on your life and think “Gee I’m glad I didn’t die back in 2002 - I would have missed so much”.

Oh yeah, I just had to chime back in and say you need to get out of that house (or she does) living together when you know iits over is torture at best. The sooner you get you own space the better.

SHAKES is 100% correct on that. Get out of the house. I left the house less than 1 week after she decided. She told me I didn’t have to, but I did anyway. Slept on my buddies floor for a few weeks.

Illl be hard to leave the kid behind, but you have to make a more livable situation for yourself. You need to put yourself in a position where you can think clearly and not be (as) clouded by the lost love.

If you are the one who is going to keep your child more power to you. Thats the hardest thing for me is not living in the same house as my baby girl. I suggest you kick her out on her ass in this case so that you can start making a livable household for your kid.

Though with the attempted suicide I am unsure that you will end up with the child.

This sounds scary. Good to know you’ve identified it as a problem. Have you tried therapy?


Okay, What’s your unhealthy thing, if I may ask? You’ve given us hers, where she thought sex was dirty (and from her behavior she still does, refusing to touch you but “being bad” with others.)


I have a couple rules for healthy relationships and one of them is to not lie, even when the truth is whiny and needy. Some days you are needy, and your partner should know this. The correlary is to trust your partner when they say they aren’t needy, even if you would be under simliar circumstances. If I have plans to go out sans the SO, and something bad happens, and I ask “Sweetie, do you want me to stay home?” I’m asking because I want to know. He can answer yes or no, and I’ll take either answer at face value.

Giving the ‘right’ answer when you are in pain doesn’t show you care. It shows you lie.


What did you do about it? Light candles and give her a back rub? Get out the handcuffs? Wait for her to make the first move? You admit you didn’t handle it well at first, what did you do to make it better? Admitting a problem is only the first step, and without following it up with an action to improve the situation it will only bring lists of, “Yup, fucked up there too…whoops, did it again…and again…God I suck…” It will never get to the part where you can say, “Yup, fucked that up, but look at what I did to fix it. Now its cool.” You end up eroding self confidence for no purpose. Dents to self image should be made only to make yourself a better person.


How do you feel you did on this bit of problem solving? (And while that is sarcastic, please believe me when I say that I mean it with all possible depths of care…<long painful story deleted> eh, e-mail me if you feel you have to know.) The point is that the two of you had the right direction…You saw a problem, and tried to figure out what was going on. Good step. Neither of you knew how to handle your open marriage deal.

What does puzzle me is that you decided to try to kill yourself as a solution. not only as a solution, but the only one. It is not ever the only thing you can do.


And this isn’t you being a danger to yourself?


And what did you tell her? She seems like she’s being honest, and that you are remembering the words, but what are you telling her? Did you ask her if the two of you could “date” or even co-habitate while she was “experimenting”? Did you ask her if she would be willing to go into therapy with you and a marriage counselor? Did you tell her how you feel?


Read what you are saying. Should she feel indebted to you for what you have done the last seven years? While you say you want her to be happy, you are screaming about how she is hurting you. Which says to me that you want her to be happy with what you decide should make her happy. That’s not how it works. You should also be as honest with her as she has been with you. You are hurt when she stays out all night, have you told her this? (Just communicated, not yelled.)

You mention good intentions. I, personally, don’t count good intentions for much because good intentions can still cause a great deal of harm. Hurtful actions are not excused by thier intent. <more personal experiance deleted>

You ask who you should be angry with. Have you asked why you should be angry with anyone at all? (I don’t know, I’m just wondering if you have asked the question.)


No, but it is the situation you are in and you got yourself here, so you can get yourself out of it. You know how to work hard, you know how to support a family, for goodness’ sake, you have the ability and strength of person to get yourself out of this. And you know that that list, which I can’t even bring myself to repeat, is full of falsity.

I wouldn’t blame the destruction of your marriage on the decision to make it an open marriage. If your wife was unhappy with you before, she’d be unhappy with you afterward, just more public about it.

Look at what you want and be honest about it, you can try to get your wife back, through therapy and work, but if she doesn’t want to it’s not going to happen. (and get her honest response, don’t try to beat her into a course of action she isn’t behind at least 80%.) Then work hard to improve yourself and your treatment of your wife.

If she doesn’t want to be married to you, the marriage is over. That sucks, and I’m very sorry for your loss. You need to get up, get out, and get yourself together with the entirety of your work ethic and ability. I know you can do this, anyone who can get married that young, raise a family and be a productive member of society once is able to improve themselves and knows how to do it. Get in therapy, make goals, take productive steps. (If some days those steps are tiny, well, there you go. I’ve had depressed months where every day I’d make one goal. “Do laundry” “vacuum the floor” and if I kept it I’d give myself a reward.) And through it all take the very best care of yourself and your child. There is nothing you need to be punished for, and everything you need to be well cared for.

Hugs to you and your child. Please take very good care of yourself. You do a good job of looking at the situation, I know you can act to get yourself out of it.

Wow…um sorry for the verbose crap up there…

I’m going to go be very quiet for a minute to make up for it.


Great post, Medea’s Child.

Medea’s Child, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying to Amp but I really have to disagree with how you’re saying it. I’m not a psychiatrist either, but Amp’s post is just screaming “depression.” Everything from his problems with standing up to his wife, to his sexual problems, to his self-loathing list at the end, seem to confirm it. Sure, that list might be “whiny,” but it’s also a sign of a serious problem.

Amp, I beg you to get help as soon as possible. Depression in men who are going through divorce is extremely common. The problem is that either men aren’t able to talk about what they’re going through, or that their friends aren’t able to cope with their problems. When I was going through my divorce a lot of my friends just vanished. Even my parents wouldn’t talk to me about anything to do with my marriage breakup. It wasn’t until I realised that nothing I could have done could have saved my marriage that I was able to recover.

It sounds to me like your marriage was already unsalvageable even before your “open marriage” experiment. (BTW, I don’t agree that you were necessarily in the wrong the day you lost your job and told your wife she could go ahead with the “experiment.” Although it would have been a lot better if you’d told your wife how you were really feeling, and a lot better for your relationship, I think anyone with a hint of compassion would have not gone out to sleep with someone else after such a traumatic event in your life–being fired/laid off is one of the three most stressful events possible. I think her behaviour was a really telling sign. Either way, there’s nothing you can do about it now, no reason to blame yourself for what you did in the past.) No matter what you were feeling, there is no reason to regret getting out of a marriage like that.

There is no shame in seeking help. Even if you hadn’t mentioned your suicide attempt, I would have urged you to get help; as it is, I think it should be your first priority. Godspeed, 'cause we want to see you around here in the future.

I’d just like to use this post to strongly support every single word that Duke just wrote.

I have nothing to offer, but if you have a son with her, consider what your suicide would do to him.


I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could say something that would help, but I know I can’t. All I can do is to echo what others have said. This is NOT a time for you roll into a ball and hope that the world will go away for awhile and when it comes back it will look rosy. The only way your world is ever going to get better is if YOU make it better. Tansu was right…you have a child, and the two of you need counselling, together, in order to make the world right for your son. Whatever the outcome, you have to make sure that HE is all right. And it is going to be much more difficult for HIM ever to be all right if YOU aren’t all right.

This may sound trite, but I believe it is true. When I am feeling down or so distraught that I wonder if I am ever going to feel well again, my mother taught me that the thing to do is to go do something for someone less fortunate than you. I know you don’t feel like such a person exists right now, but trust me. They exist. Get out of that puddle of misery you are sitting in and force yourself to volunteer for a homeless shelter, raise money for Cancer research…do SOMETHING that forces you to focus on something other than how miserable you are.

And get help for that anger control thing, hon…staying angry hurts the person holding the anger FAR more than the person the anger is directed at.

I am sending you all the warm and comforting thoughts I can, along with a prayer. Learn and grow from this, and I believe that someday you will once again be happy. My prayers go with you as you walk down this difficult road.


Amp, I’m really sorry that you’re going through all this. I hope you will use therapy to help you work through it all – it really is a great tool for sorting out difficult stuff.

Your life isn’t hopeless. I would focus on dealing with the anger and depression, and figuring out how to be happy with yourself. You’ll then be able to set up a relationship that gives you what you want and need, and it’ll be so much better than this first marriage. Learn from it and make something better for yourself.

(My first serious relationship was about six years long, and mostly dreadful. You won’t believe how awesome it can be when you know yourself a little better and pick someone who really complements you. It’s worth working for.)


I just wanted to echo the previous recommendations, and I also wanted to say that I’ve been there, too.

Best of luck, dude.


What I would’ve said has already been said, so I’ll add a couple of quickies…

  1. Whenever a relationship ends, both parties have made mistakes. Until you determine where you went wrong and make an effort to change, you will continue to have bad relationships. I sincerely doubt you will be able to do this without help. So I echo what other’s have said: get therapy.

  2. You are responsible for your own happiness. Remember that.