The dimise of my marriage.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I hope ya’ll don’t mind, but I’ve never got to talk about myself and I wanted to vent somewhere.

I guess I’ll start at beginning of 2003. My wife was several months pregnant with our second child, our first being about three and a half. I wouldn’t have said our marriage was in trouble, I remember having the “daddy highs.” We already went through a pregnancy so we did know what to expect and it was less stressful. At the beginning stages of her pregnancy we did get into a fight about sex, but I knew once the second trimester came we weren’t going to have any more so I guess I was trying to bank-up; before we had sex about once ever two weeks. (sorry maybe TMI, but it does have a reason of input) I’ve always had a problem stomach, but increasingly any horrible symptom of an anger stomach began to befall me. I have never been a fan of doctors, but by March I had been prematurely diagnosed with being lactose intolerant, Cohn’s disease, and several others afflictions. Then comes in my hero, a gastroenterologist, who preformed my endoscopies. (which by the way is a pretty funny story in themselves) We found out I was producing seven times the normal amount of stomach acid. The most likely assailant was a tumor. About two weeks before our daughter was born my doctor called me at work and gave me the news, I had a cancerous neuro-endocrine tumor. It was about lunch time, I found a place where I could be alone until I got off work and totally broke down. I decided I wasn’t going to tell my wife. She was really stressed about me and the pending birth of our daughter and I didn’t want to add to it. I still stand behind that decision. The day after our daughter was born I had an MRI and with those results my wife found out my diagnosis. It was decided surgery was needed and in Sept of 2003 I went under the knife. I was out of work until January of 2004. In that time I believe I lost my wife.

In August my wife went back to work, she worked three days a week. Our schedules were pretty hectic with the two children and my pre-surgery testing, but I thought we were doing an impressive job with it. More and more my wife would talk about a co-worker she was learning Italian from. I, naively, thought she found an emotional outlet from the stress of everything. When I could walk I would go Christmas shopping with my wife and kids. I tried to go everywhere with them. Most of the time I could keep up, but I think I was pretty helpful watching the stroller while she shopped. I got under her skin quite a bit being there all the time. I looked at it as quality time, I think she saw it a spying and penny-pinching. Several times we got into arguments about me just laying around the house or following her like a third child. So, I began to go out with my friends. We would put the children to bed, and sometimes talk a bit or she would go to bed also and I’d kiss her good night and go out. As far a she portrayed this was fine with her.

Hanging out with the guys wasn’t as fun as it used to be seeing as I could not drink with them. They were also into major gambling and with me not working I felt guilty spending money we didn’t have. Then along came SOCOMII, a Playstation military online game. I began playing at a friend’s house and was hooked from the get go. I maintained the same schedule as far a trying to keep family quality time, but went to my friend about three to four nights a week. It became a form of escape for me I felt less needed or even wanted at home. Needless to say my wife and I grew apart, quite quickly. It was in a matter of weeks, just like that, poof. I mean it’s like I blinked and we were in a marriage counselor’s office with my wife saying she knows counseling wasn’t going to work. My heads spinning trying to figure how and what was happening. And in March of 2004 she asked if I would leave so she could think. And I did. After six weeks I asked to come home and she said no. For months I asked why and how did we get to where we were. In August she wrote me her reasons: I wasn’t around her enough, I wasn’t around the kids enough, and I didn’t do enough around the house. She also brought up the fact the when she first found out she was pregnant I didn’t show enough excitement coming out of a dead sleep, which she recalls a drunken stupor. Which maybe true, but I don’t think so.

Now here I am…

2

Damn, YEP. Damn. :frowning:

Keep talking. Don’t let any of this get bottled up.

3

THanks, I do feel a bit relieved to get it out there.

4

I’ve never been in a relationship, mate, so I can’t help you much with all the inside emotional stuff couples go through. I do wish you all the best. Are you staying someplace now where you’ll have a chance to think things through in your own time?

5

Yeah, I’ve definitely have time to contemplate. I went through a pretty rough time for a while. I have the kids every other weekend, which gets me to the next fourteen days. It’s been a journey of inches, I can tell you that.

6

Contemplating is good, as long as you’re not wasting your time listening to that little voice we get in our head from time to time that tells you “You should have done …” a number of things too late to do anything about now. Sounds like you’re still raw about stuff. Be gentle with yourself, YEP.

One day at a time is the only way to go on crisis, mate. I know that from experience. You’ve got a network of friends around you?

7

Ahh, that little voice, it’s weaned. The truth is I had a great marriage, at least my prospective was a great marriage. “Should ofs” and “could ofs” don’t do me much good. My biggest disappointments are the times I’m missing with my children and the times I will miss with them. As far as my wife, I’m disappointed that she wants no communication with me. It’s to the point I actively have to call the schools, doctors, and anyone else that can give me information on my children. And the fact that she is won’t sign the separation agreement. At first I took this as a sign of possible reconciliation, but who knows. She has allowed our house to go into foreclosure and our car to be repossessed. She got them both back, but it’s now on our credit history. I feel like I can’t fully move on till we are legal divorced. So until then your advice seems to be the best, one day at a time.

I learned early from most people that, “How ya doing?” is only a greeting. Most family and friends don’t want to get into the middle. And from what I’ve heard when everything first started most people thought I had cheated or hit on my wife and I think they still believe it. And no, I’ve done neither.

8

Ah, I wondered where you were at legally. Sounds like the summation of it is: limbo. That sucks, mate. Truly, it does. It’s hard enough rebuilding from a crisis, but until you know where you stand legally, things are worse. I can see that.

Hope your lawyer sorts out the matter of information about your children being more freely available to you as of right. I don’t know the laws of where you’re at right now, o’course, but until things like that seperation agreement are formalised – yeah. You’re out on a limb.

Things are probably confused as anything for your wife right now, if there’s things like foreclosures and repossions and all that. Messy, messy situation all round, YEP. I’ve had friends go through this kinda thing. Couldn’t help them much, either, except be someone they could talk things out with.

9

And I thank you very much, but I think I’m turning in for the night. Believe me youv’e helped, thanks

yep

10

Cool. Take care, mate.

11

It sounds to me like your wife was looking for a reason to push you aside. I mean, first she says you’re following her around too much, and when you find other things, she says you’re not around enough! WTF? Sounds like head games to me!

I’m really sorry you’re going through all this. I wish there was something else I could say. :frowning:

12

These aren’t reasons, they’re excuses to justify her doing what she wants to do. Don’t bother to nit-pick them, because the fact is she doesn’t want the marriage to continue. If you somehow were to come up with final, absolute proof that these things didn’t happen, she’d simply find twice as many other “reasons”.

The credit thing can be resolved easily enough after the divorce is final. Most people in the normal economic range experience credit problems while going through a divorce. Lenders will take this into account after things settle down.

Sorry you’re going through this. There can be a brighter day ahead for you, and may you find it sooner rather than later.

Best wishes.

13

Just went through a very similar experience as well.

I’ve had friends and family ralley around me for support and that made things a bit easier. People will tell you that it gets better as time passes and you move on with your life. Intellectually you’ll know that’s true. Emotionally you’ll just want it all to stop, now.

I hope that you have friends and family to go to when you are really low. Get it all out when you need to, as you need to. Here is as good a place as any. Perhaps better because of the relative annonimity it offers.

I know it sounds trite, but… time will pass, it will get better, you will get on with the rest of your life.

Above all else, stay close to your kids. They’ll always need you.

14

You’re doing the same thing I did when my marriage started to deteriorate and trying to make sense of it by separating things out and analyzing them. “But I was a good father, and a good provider” etc. etc. blah, blah, blah.

Here’s some free advice. *It’s a complete, and utter waste of time. * Your wife doesn’t “love you” anymore, and probably hasn’t for quite some time. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Your marriage is over, and effectively, if not legally, you are a divorced man at this point. Your best bet at this juncture is simply not to be stupid. You need to hire a lawyer, and make sure your custody interests are protected. I can almost assure you that she has, whether you realize it or not.

15

My best wishes with you, YEP. hugs Writing this out is good, very therapeutic–and it may help to talk to someone IRL as well.

16

YEP, it really sounds like you’ve been through the ringer. Doesn’t help I know, but I feel for you. Please take care of yourself and if you ever need to vent I’m happy to be a sympathetic ear.

17

I think it’s admirable of you to have made the effort to save your marriage; too many people just give up at the first sign of real trouble. But it’s clear that at this point, the marriage has ended in all but a legal sense.

That being the case, don’t wait for her to sign anything. Go to a lawyer and start drawing up papers yourself. You don’t say where you live, so I don’t know about divorce laws in your area, but you can at least get the process started. If she is not willing to sign the papers, then that can only be because she thinks she can still get more out of you by delaying the process.

It sounds like you don’t want things to get ugly in the divorce, which is great (especially considering your children). But that puts you in the dangerous position of letting yourself get walked all over, which isn’t any good either.

Good luck to you.

18

What **Suburban Plankton ** said. In spades!

Also, start getting used to the idea that no matter what you offer, no matter how generous, it will not be enough. It’s also all your fault. And yes, all the happy times, all the sad times, all the dreams, all the hopes really only add up to how much money you will hand over. Lastly, it’s all your fault.

:frowning:

19

Honey, you didn’t lose your wife in that four months you were off work. It may have been the first time you or she noticed problems in the relationship, but there was almost certainly trouble creeping in long before that. A storm of this magnitude pretty much never springs fully-formed from a clear blue sky.

Doesn’t really matter, though. What’s done is done and there’s nothing to do that can change the past. It’s natural to want to pick it all apart and say, “Oh, there’s where it all went wrong!” so we can fix it, make it better, or at least keep it from happening in the future. But human relationships aren’t subdivided into separate little compartments–everything is all twisted around everything else, and you just can’t pick it apart into individual components. The best and healthiest thing you can do is express your pain, frustration, grief, and whatever else you’re feeling, and then try to let it go.

20

Wow, thank you for ya’lls show of support. I don’t want to seem a martyr; I know I was not the best husband in the world. I know that.

Norinew, I would hope it wasn’t head games she was playing. My wife (and her family) has always been out of touch with her emotions. If it wasn’t happiness she would interpret as or convert to anger. I think that is what her grief and distress turned into.

John Carter of Mars, too late. I’ve’ nit-picked the heck out of her reasons. And I came up with your conclusion, but I think it was a stage I (and others) had to go through. Thanks for the credit tid-bit, I’m going to see a lawyer about my finances soon. One good thing about our divorce is we don’t have money to make it an ugly divorce and we’ve pre-settled on visitation and child support.

QuickSilver, “time will heal all,” is what I heard the most. After a while I imagined knocking someone on the head after they said that to me and then saying “yeah and time will heal that, too,” but I would just smile and thank them.

Yep you’re right for six days a month I am in heaven. I think unless we’re sleeping I’ve got one of them within a few feet of me, and yes even in the bathroom. My daughter won’t even let me out of her sight or others hold her. That worries me, but I’m hoping it is a stage. My long term goal is to provide a household that they may want to live at when they are old enough to decide.

astro, it’s a slap in the face, but it’s true and it was a hard pill to swallow. I was going to hire a lawyer when she gave me an agreement I thought was reasonable. We’ve ironed almost everything out in fall she just hasn’t been to her lawyer to rewrite the agreement.

Kythereia and Izzybella, thank you.

Suburban Plankton, thank you I always believed I made a pact (covenant) in front of my maker, family, and friends on my wedding day to make and raise a family.

My wife has written up an agreement in the past, two actually. I rejected both of them. The first one I took to a lawyer who looked at it and asked “what did you do to this woman?” My wife wanted everything except the name and bills. I rejected the second agreement, because my wife wanted me to pay all of my medical bills, about $12,000. I want her to pay half, because we received about half that for charity and friends which she spent on Christmas presents right back at them. So now, we pretty much have the agreement, it’s just not written out.

CrazyCatLady, for my daughter’s sake I will stick with my story, she was eight months old when my wife asked me to leave. The rollercoaster of emotions has been a ride; I’ve been shot through some emotions and totally stopped in other to be brought back to the beginning again. Most of the time I strapped my self in tight and held on tight and other time I got out and camped. (self-pity) I know I still have a ways and closure with the agreement will definitely bring me to a new stage.