Early in January my wife comes back from holiday and tells me she wants a divorce. She says she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Admittedly, it hadn’t been going well so I wasn’t terribly surprised. In fact in the previous few months I had increasingly had the same thought – I would drive home from work at night and say to myself that I will ask her for a divorce – but then I’d think of my daughter (5 years old) and put it off.
After a few days of hiding her mobile phone and sneaking off I begin to suspect something. One night when she’s sleeping I look at the text messages on her phone and see many messages from some guy. Turns out this guy was her 1st love and she saw him again when on holiday. I, of course, confront her about it and she denies that he is the reason for the divorce. She says “nothing happened” and she was thinking about the divorce even before she saw him again. That of course is utter crap as the girls who were with her on holiday have since told me. They said they could immediately see something happened when she came back the first night after seeing him. Also the messages were quite explicit. Ironically it never worked out with him and they broke up but I met someone soon after moving out and we’re going strong. Oh, I mustn’t forget to say that the reason she broke up with him years ago was because he … wait for it … beat her (there’s no understanding women).
Anyway, seeing as I pretty much felt the same way, and I also admitted to having an affair in the past (she moved away to another city for 6 months after our child was born because she had post natal depression and needed to “find” herself – and I “found” somebody who wanted to be with me) we agreed that divorce was the best way. I have to add here that our marriage had not been particularly bad – we seldom fought and were good friends, talking about many subjects, travelling together, enjoying each other’s friends – however it was not a passionate marriage. In fact there was hardly any physical affection between us. For example we went on a European holiday (to Paris, Rome and Barcelona, arguably some of the most romantic cities in the world) during December 2004 and had sex a grand total of ……… zero times. (That probably should have been a warning)
So, seeing as it was a joint decision (I must just say that I loved her – and still do – terribly and it was a very difficult decision) we agreed to do it amicably. We would draw up a settlement agreement and get divorced quickly and cheaply. The one thing we agreed on was that we both loved our daughter and we would not fight about her. I suggested Joint Custody and she agreed. And so I went ahead with drawing up a draft agreement, discussing things with her as I went along.
One of our agreements was that I would stay in the house for a few months until we had settled and only then move out. She initially said that she would move out but I said that I think it’s better if she stays so as not to disrupt our daughter too much (I’m kicking myself now). Now, despite our agreement I moved at the end of February. Why? Well, because she kept going on “holiday” to visit her boyfriend. When she came back the 2nd time I told her that I was moving because I was not happy feeling like a visitor in my own house (I had moved to another room) and sitting waiting for her to return from her visits, and I would prefer to get on with my life.
This pissed her off tremendously. She said I broke our agreement. I said that our agreement was based on her not seeing anyone before we were officially separated. This didn’t make sense to her. She insisted I was wrong and had now become untrustworthy – for moving out before I said I would – completely disregarding the fact that I would have moved out a few months later anyway and I was still paying for everything as well, so it did not affect her financially. Seems she wanted me to still fulfil the duties of a husband without actually being one. She then went on another “holiday” and on her return I received a call from a lawyer: “I am representing your wife in her divorce application and where can I send a fax.” This happened while I was driving to her house on my way to an appointment with her to continue our discussion on the settlement agreement. Understandably the settlement was put on hold.
The gist of the letter was that I was a drug addict, on cocaine and marijuana, I had committed numerous acts of infidelity, she demanded an astronomical sum of money and I must immediately pay all her legal fees. I then consulted my own lawyers and so the fun started. Now I must just digress for a moment to say – SHE said we must not fight, SHE said we must do it differently to other people, SHE said we must not go to a lawyer, SHE said we must do it amicably for the sake of our daughter – which of course I agreed to, not wanting to fight unnecessarily.
A few points of clarification are necessary. One is that we have been married 5 years (In April 2006). Two is that she had not been working for the first few years after our daughter’s birth (in 2000). I had not insisted that she not work but let her make up her own mind. She eventually realised (with a bit of prodding from my side) that sitting at home all day was not the best thing. I then bought her a business (a restaurant and gift shop) to keep her busy and that she can earn her own income. Point three is that I sold my business round about the same time and decided to start a new business.
Now the fun starts: In rapid succession she starts bombarding us with letters and she approaches the court for an Interim Maintenance Order (Called a Rule 43 order in our law) asking for R80 000 per month (probably equivalent to about $12 000). We settle out of court (mostly because I just didn’t want to fight) on R7800 (about $1000), which is probably about double what she would have gotten in court. Now a few weeks go by, from time to time she asks me for money for this or that, which I give her, all the time telling her that I do not want to fight and would prefer to settle.
In the mean time the lawyers are sending letters back and forth. I go for a drug test (against my lawyers advice), which comes back negative and I insist that they withdraw the drug charges – which they do. We then sit and divide the furniture and stuff on both our lawyers recommendation (this takes about 3 hours). She suddenly agrees to try and settle again.
I make an appointment for 2 o’clock at the restaurant. She rocks up at 2:30. She sits with me for ten minutes then tells me she is quickly going to have coffee with a friend who’s in the area. She comes back at 3:30. I have now been waiting one and a half hours. I use this time to type out the list of furniture and assets that we agreed upon a week earlier. The first thing she says to me when she comes back is “I don’t agree with the list and I never signed it.” I am understandably upset (having spent 3 hours previously and 1.5 hours that day on the list) and I lose my temper. I tell her to fuck off, throw the papers at her and tell her to leave me alone as she is obviously not interested in settling. She stands around for a while smoking a cigarette and phones her brother. I calm down, tell her she must come sit down so that maybe we can at least finalise the list, asking her what she isn’t happy with. She refuses and her brother comes to fetch her.
A little while later I go to fetch my daughter (it being my night with her). I get to the house and her brother comes out and tells me that “under the circumstances” he can’t allow me to see her. I ask what “circumstances” and he replies that I can wait outside for the police. Deciding against waiting I go home and phone my lawyer to tell her the story. The next day I get called by the police – she tried to make a case of assault against me (which she couldn’t because I never touched her) and instead makes a case of “intimidation” (which was not pursued by the police – because there was obviously no case). She then goes to court to get an interim protection order (this is basically a form you fill in that says I’m not allowed to go close to her. And they confiscate my firearm – which I’ve never even taken out in her presence)
A few days later she calls me and asks for money (???). I reply that I now need to go to court (to fight the PO otherwise it becomes permanent) and unfortunately can’t help her because she has now cost me unnecessary money. She replies that she will withdraw it if I give her money. I say ok (stupid me). She withdraws it and I give her the money, and she then promptly goes back to court and gets a new protection order BUT this time adding that I’m a danger to my daughter and I can’t see her. Now it’s important to know that with the Interim Maintenance Award (Rule 43) we agreed that I am allowed to see my daughter every Wednesday and every 2nd weekend. I then go to court to fight for my visitation rights, which I get easily because the court (Magistrate’s court) that deals with POs is a lower court than the one that deals with the Rule 43 (High Court) and they have no jurisdiction to change a previous high court order.
Now in the mean time she has decided she doesn’t want to run the restaurant and gift shop and will rather go look for a job. So she hasn’t been at the restaurant for about 4 months and I’ve had to go help out with the running of the business (because I put in a shitload of money and don’t particularly want to lose it). This week she goes to the bank and withdraws all the money from the business account. The very next day she asks me if she can come and fetch some stock from the gift shop to sell somewhere else because she needs the money. (Duh – she just stole money from me and then wants to appeal to me for more – what am I going to say?)
I can have her locked up for this (it’s theft) but I don’t because she is still the mother of my child and I’m too nice (as everyone keeps telling me)
Now my lawyers and I realise that all this drama is taking the eye off the ball, which is basically that I want to get divorced and finish everything. So we proceed with applying for a court date. In our legal system once you have made an official settlement offer she can no longer ask me to pay her legal costs.
So now suddenly they want to settle again. (???)
A few other sideline stories. We have what we call a plot, basically a small holding. On it we have 2 ponies that are just there as pets. Now as we are selling this plot due to the divorce we agree to swap the ponies for riding lessons for our daughter, as she is now old enough to ride. We both agree and I go ahead with contacting a few stables in the area. I find someone who is willing to do it – coincidently the daughter of the lady selling the house, so she is known to us both. We make arrangements to fetch the horses one Saturday. We rent a trailer, I text her every day from Wednesday to remind her we’re coming on Saturday morning at 10 to fetch the ponies. Saturday morning I text her to remind her we’re on our way. Ten to ten she replies – “It doesn’t suit me today, I’m away.” (???) The arrangement is not even for me but for our daughter’s riding lessons.
Another one – she calls up my friends and ex girlfriends and tells them stories. Amongst these stories – I am living with a male friend of mine who also got divorced last year (makes it simpler for both of us). She says we’re gay and sleeping together. At the same time I have a singer (female but gay) and a manageress (also female, also gay) at the restaurant – both of whom I’m apparently regularly screwing in the toilets at the restaurant. I also apparently go to “escort agencies” and sleep around. Oh, AND I have a girlfriend who I’m ACTUALLY living with. SO – I’m gay, living with my guy lover, but having numerous affairs with prostitutes, but also living with a girl AND sleeping with 2 lesbians. I’m a busy guy!
She has laid another 4 police charges against me – one for malicious damage to property – she claims I broke into her house when she wasn’t there and threw her things around – which I didn’t. One for harassment because I (shock, horror) send her text messages to make arrangements for our child and 2 others because she thinks I’m stalking her – hanging around outside her house at night. And she has decided that I faked my drug test – even though it was done through a reputable lab – and has revisited the drug charges. None of the charges will go anywhere because they’re all nonsense of course. Where she thinks I get the time anyway - what with all my drug binges, gay affairs and prostitutes.
I can tell a whole lot of other horror stories too but they’re not really relevant to the main story.
Now with all this nonsense I haven’t really been able to get my new business started, I’ve had to go help out at the restaurant to keep it running, and it’s cost me an arm and a leg in legal fees. I’ve gone from being fairly comfortable financially to wondering how I’ll be paying for things next month. So I decided to write my story to vent a bit and by putting it in writing get some perspective on my life. I’m not really looking for advice – legal advice would be pretty useless unless you know our legal system and I have 3 lawyers anyway, for psychological advice you probably need to know a hell of a lot more about us and the situation, I’m just telling my story to make me feel better – and maybe one day to laugh about it.
Thanks
