My wife has had enough of our marriage after 10 years. Admittedly, it has not been a good one and we are both to blame. We have two beautiful young boys who I feel would be devastated by our split.
We have tried our best with counselling etc.
I am not a quitter and I feel that there is too much to lose for everyone if we split. She feels that it would benefit everyone if we all start over.
The thing is, she wants out and I don’t. This raises several important questions.
How much do I have to participate in the whole thing? For example, she wants me to tell the kids. I said that I will be there but the words will have to come out of her mouth.
I think she’s looking for me to leave but I love our house. Why should I leave when I don’t want to go.
She has already mentioned shared custody but I don’t want my kids bounced back and forth between two homes. Also, I know she can’t care for the kids with her schedule.
Right now, I’m sleeping in the basement out of consideration for her. She was not mentioned the word “divorce” and says “she’s not sure she loves me” but clearly her actions speak otherwise and she seems to have no interest in being nice for the purposes of any sort of reconcilation.
She has not told any of her family about our situation and she was not happy when I told my family.
In truth, if it weren’t for the kids, this would be a no brainer for me.
By the way, I spend far more time with the kids than she does. That makes a difference to me.
You all need to talk-openly and without heat. Can the boys live with you? Can you both agree to NOT use them as emotional hostages between the two of you?
If she wants out-she needs to get out. Does she work outside the home?
You need to sit down, just you and write out what you need, what you want, and what you can let go. sort it out for you, then talk as I said above to her.
Well, I’m in a mood tonight, so I’m going to say…tell her if she wants out, she can go. You and the boys are staying in the house (if you can afford to) and she can have visitation…liberal visitation. And she should be the one to tell the kids that she is moving out, and then she should go. A separation may clarify things for her.
having been through the same type of deal myself, and having had more than a few years (20+) to reflect on the situation, I would explain to her the location of the front door and how it operates, and explain to her that if she remains steadfast to her current desires, she should feel free to use said same door, by herself, and to have a good life. easy for me to say from here. best wishes to you and the kids.
A home without warmth will impact the boys. More so if either of the adults is or becomes prone to anger or depression over the situation.
Do you have a good understanding of why she wants out and what she’d like her life to be like? I firmly believe too many people don’t realize how much work goes into a marriage.
After you’ve followed eleanorigby’s advice, see a lawyer. Around here, many family law attorneys offer a short, free consultation to answer some general questions.
Information will only help you make better decisions about your choices.
took a few years to deal with the separation from the kids, but managed to get by with the visits allowed by the court. Met current SO about 6 years after, and we are still together. Now that the kids are grown, each one has chosen a time to talk about the break up, and the ramifications of growing up with me as the long distance parent (she moved about 1800 miles away). Note that I was in the area where they lived about every 6 weeks, only because I could be, so that I could be with the kids. I think about how it ended and the causes (in my opinion) every time I talk with one of the kids. thankfully, all are/seem well grounded, and only wanted to know my side so they could process the situation to their own satisfaction.
We are pretty civil. Its more a coldness between us.
Neither child has mentioned the fact that I now sleep in the basement. I suppose the older son who is almost seven may be sensing that something is going on.
No. She has found a female friend who she spends a lot of time with. I’m trying not to read anything into that. I’m glad that she had someone to be happy with. Why that happiness doesn’t spread to me, I don’t know.
A friend of mine has a saying about women and relationships: “A monkey swinging through a jungle always grabs onto a new vine before letting go of the old one.”
Sans kids, I’ve been through this. Keep your chin up. Be wise. People will surprise you.
I have to agree - if you love the house, you spend more time with the kids than she does, and she is the one who wants out - why should you be the one to have to leave? If she wants out, why do you have to be the one to tell the kids? Sounds like she wants you to be the bad guy in this, and if I were you I wouldn’t go along with it. If she wants out, she can leave without the kids. And she can tell them she is leaving. Don’t do her dirty work for her.
A lawyer is for your protection. Too many couples say “we’ll work it out without lawyers” but if they can’t make the marriage work, how are they going to make splitting up work?
Keep us posted; I have found this to be a good place to vent. Best of luck to you.
The lawyer is the one who makes sure that you keep the house, you keep the kids, and the soon to be ex-wife doesn’t get away with pulling any crap.
Personally, from your description, I think your wife is self-centered, greedy, and manipulative, and since she’s already looking for you to shoulder the responsibility and the blame of a divorce, she probably won’t fight fair when it comes down to it. At the very least, a lawyer will advise you how to respond to her demands in a way that protects your boys and yourself best. At the very worst, your lawyer will keep your wife from completely screwing you over on her way out of the marriage.
See a lawyer. Who knows? They may tell you that the first one out of the house has ‘abandoned the marriage’ and that the one who remains gets the house, free & clear, and the kids. Or maybe they won’t. I’m not a lawyer.
Q: What is having the ability to ever see your kids ever again or getting any of the equity that you’ve built into your home out again or having enough of your paycheck left over so that you can actually afford to eat 7 days a week worth to you?
See a Lawyer. Don’t do or say anything re: the kids until you do.
And for the love of all that’s good, don’t use the same lawyer as your wife. This is not a shiny-happy “oh yes, we’re no good together as spouses, but we can be great friends!” no-issues divorce.
My parents split up when I was 10, this sounds like total and complete weirdness. IANA psychiatrist but part of the process is accepting mommy and or daddy are going to lead separate lives. In addition maintaining 3 households is a nightmare I would not inflict on my worst enemy. If you want to play speedy rotation games, somebody buy another house in the same neighborhood, the kids can float back and forth easily that way.