My wife wants a divorce

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

A lawyer will help you immensely. Any layman knows that in a marriage with kids two major things happen during a divorce. The marital assets are divided and custody of the kids is then arranged. A lawyer is your guide through the legal system and will, hopefully, make sure that you get what you are legally entitled to out of the marriage as far as the assets go and as far as custody goes. I think part of the issue is you are still emotionally invested in keeping the marriage going, and keeping your life within that marriage alive. It is my experience as a friend to many divorced persons that once a separation is being talked about and once you are sleeping in another room where once you slept together, the marriage is at the stage where it is effectively being kept alive on a ventilator but death is imminent and cannot be stopped. I’m sure there are wonderful stories of marriages going to this point and rebounding, but never in my life experiences has it happened (hell, I’ve heard of people getting divorced then remarried, but I think that is very rare.)

To a degree you’re going to need to get emotionally unattached from the marriage as best as you can, even though doing so completely will of course be impossible. You have to start thinking about getting what is equitably yours and getting the custody arrangement you want, and to do that you need a lawyer, your focus needs to be there, not on fixing the marriage (you can’t bring back the dead.)

I may be able to dig up a link later, but right now my searching is not going well using the forum’s search feature, however I believe I have read from one of the lawyers who posts on the SDMB that shared custody has become the norm and the system where one spouse got primary custody and the other only got visitation is not prevalent like it used to be–but I have generally little interest in such things so I’m just working off of vague memories. So even though you spend more time with the child you may end up with some scheme of shared custody unless you can convince the wife that you are their primary caregiver and that it is in their best interest for her to give you sole custody w/visitation rights (either way she should be a part of their life.)

22

If she doesn’t want to be married anymore, you have no choice in the matter. Nor will you have a choice as to whether the kids will be shared; in the vast majority of cases, they will be. You may not have a choice as to whether you stay in the house because you’ll owe her 50% of the proceeds from the marriage. Can you afford to buy out her half?

All these questions, and more, should be discussed with your lawyer. Quit being so placid about very important matters and take charge of your life, and the lives of your children.

Geesh.

23

Aside from all of the standard “see a lawyer” advice, let me give you some insight from a person whose mother “stayed for the kids.” It was miserable. It just reminded us that she was miserable, and it was all our fault that she was staying in a situation in which she was miserable. Kids are very much attuned to their parents’ emotions, and all this stress is hard as hell on them. Trust me, let her leave “for the kids’ sake” but do not “stay together for the kids.”

Everything else…well, there are 3 sides to the story – yours, hers and the truth. I don’t know all of any of them, so I won’t venture to say what is the best way for you to handle things, other than to say that it is my opinion that what needs to be done is what is best for the kids, not what makes her the most miserable or you the most comfortable.

Oh, and sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes things get to a point where a person just can’t cope any longer. It’s not necessarily a reflection on you or her, just the way it goes. If we humans were meant to spend our entire life with just one person, we wouldn’t enjoy sex. In my (ever-so-humble) opinion.

24

She hasn’t mentioned divorce…? I don’t get it. Has she just not reached the point yet where she says it, or does she expect you to continue to sleep in the basement until the kids leave home for college? What else does she have in mind? I would at least consult with a lawyer so you know your legal rights and repsonsibilities as far as the kids and house and other assets are concerned. If she ends up wanting a divorce, you will need one anyway.

25

Then it’s a no brainer for you. Both you and your wife deserve better.

Get a lawyer.

Play hardball, this ain’t gonna’ be no church-league softball game.

I thought being divorced and a single dad with custody of a small child would suck, but it was lots better than being in a bad marriage. It also only took about four months for me to meet my current wife (now 22 years of good times together), so there can be a silver lining behind those clouds.

Best of luck to you.

26

“You want a divorce, you tell the kids.”

“You want out, you leave.”

A hard one. Courts are unlikely to grant a man primary custody of his kids unless the mother is criminally incompetent. You may need to settle for joint custody and hope that she sees the light at some point and allows them to stay with you most of the time.

Don’t play the sucker and do all the dirty work for her, don’t let her off the hook, don’t carry her share of the burden. Make her work for it and feel every little pain that comes with it, most especially the pain of telling your children, friends and family.

When people ask you about it, say as little as possible outside of confirming it. Don’t try to explain her reasons or how she feels. Tell them that they need to ask her themselves. Saves you the pain and puts it back on her plate.

If and/or when the Divorce happens, Do not play nice. You don’t have to be mean about anything, especially with kids involved, but do not under any circumstances roll over and play dead for whatever she wants. Figure out how to protect yourself, how to get what you want and need, and fight for it. Be firm and unyielding until or unless a reasonable compromise can be reached.

Remember, there are two meanings to the word Compromise. The first means a negotiated settlement agreeable to both parties. The second is along the lines of “the structure was compromised”. Don’t accept the second just because she’s using the word “compromise” in order to get you to cave in and give her everything.

Moving out of the house is not a compromise. It’s capitulation.

(I went through a painful 9 month long divorce from a paranoid sociopath. Trust me, I know how bad things can get. I’m just lucky we didn’t have children, or I’d have been forced to fight for them.)

27

They know that something is serious amiss, and the sooner you talk to them and clarify what’s going on, the easier and better it will be for them. I speak from experience.

As Martin Hyde has already eloquently explained, a lawyer will help you deal with the legal aspects of divorce, including seeing that your children are provided for and that you obtain adequate parential rights. If you and your wife can sit down and deal amicably, then that’s great, and all the better for everyone involved. If not, send in the lawyers (with practical demands, and a willingness to agree to reasonable compromises) and let them deal with the legal issues while you deal with the rest. As an emotionally distanced advocate for the interests of you and your childrens’ welfare, a lawyer can instruct you on what you can reasonably demand and when you’re just being a petty asshole…if you’ll let him.

As for salvaging the marriage, while her dreams of “starting over” are farcical, if she’s determined that she wants out, no amount of persuasion or counselling is going to sway her. Better to end the marriage while you can relate on good terms, particularly in regard to the joint responsibility of parenting, than to force a union that will only degrade and take everyone involved down with it. You deserve better, and certainly your children do. There is no good to be had raising them under a roof elevated by resentment and suppressed anger. Again, this is experience talking.

My sympathies are with you, and I have no easy words, other than to do the very best you can for the interests of your children.

Stranger

28

Thanks everyone.

This is what I was looking for.

Any other personal experiences would help.

29

My first husband and I divorced when my daughter was 6 years old. Once the dust settled I realized that I was a much better parent after the divorce than I was before. For a couple of reasons. First, I was much happier and second, having time away from her made me appreciate each moment with her even more. (she’s almost 21 now and really quite well adjusted)

Divorce doesn’t have to be a horrible thing for the kids if you and your wife handle it right.

If you can still communicate then you should sit down and talk about what each of you wants. If she’s determined to leave and you’re willing to accept that you should be able to state your wishes in terms of the house and primary care of the kids.

I agree that this is not the time to play the nice guy aka doormat. You can be nice and still ask for what you want.

30

Best of luck, Solkoe.

31

I’ll add my opinion, as the child of divorce.

Don’t allow your children to become go-betweens between you and the ex. Don’t use your children as messengers or spies. Your wife will likely pull some incredibly ridiculous shit while you two fight out the details of the divorce, and the temptation will be to vent, but don’t do that to the kids.

This is, after all, their mom. And insulting their mom will only come back to bite you in the ass - they’ll end up resenting you for it.

This is not to say that you have no right to vent. But you should do it to your adult friends, or (more preferably) a trained counselor. And this doesn’t mean that she won’t necessarily stoop to saying bad things about you to the kids; things they may even believe for a time.

But (trust me on this), the high road is the better one, and your kids will come to appreciate you for it (I know I did; my mom always told me that she and my dad were really in love, but grew apart. My dad said my mom had “issues”, and has never spoken of a happy marriage. He, BTW, was the adulterer. And he, BTW, is a fuckhead).

32

It’s not right, but the hard truth is that as a man going into divorce with kids that you want to see a lot of, you really do need a lawyer. Courts are still not always very fair to men in these situations from what I’ve heard.

I agree with what everyone else has said; if your wife wants out, she gets to be a big girl and do what she needs to do to make that happen. I think your first step here is sitting down with your wife and getting a few things out in the open (the things that everyone has said here already - her telling the kids, her leaving, etc.). After you have this discussion with her, your next stop is lawyertown. The divorce might not be what you want, but you can minimize the hit you’ll have to take.

33

My sympathies; I’ve been a short ways down that road, as has one of my younger brothers, but we both managed to salvage. My marriage healed and is strong; his, well, that’s yet to be seen.

I agree with posters who said (1) do NOT let her run you out of the house and (2) get a lawyer. You need (2) in order to accomplish (1). Like **giant marine ** said – the lass requires education on the use of the front door. Let your lawyer do the teaching. Understand this: When it comes to her/your children and her/your house, she is not going to be reasonable. She will never simply walk away, and she will NEVER abide by any agreement you come to outside of legal channels. You’re breaking up a contractural agreement that, over the past 10 years, has become quite encumbered with property, children and emotion. You need a lawyer’s help to do that.

I don’t mind telling you that your life is about to become very, very difficult, but you need to stick with it and do what is best for you and the children. You said you’re not a guy who gives up – don’t give up now, when persistence is about to become crucial. In some cases, it may be all you have.

Good luck to you and the boys.

34

What’s your gut telling you here? In my experience hearing many many of these stories, if your gut is telling you “she’s in love” she probably is.

If that’s the case, in a perfect world the two of you could come to grips with what she’s going through right now. It’s certainly no reflection on you if nature made her destined to love different gender.

But, you’re a father and the system is already biased against you. If you feel the best thing for your kids is for you to keep them and the house, you need to be prepared to fight tooth and nail.

Have you considered hiring an investigator? If things get rough, it’s more than fair for a judge to be made aware of your wife’s infidelity if she’s trying to take your house and your kids.

35

GET A LAWYER!

Also, as a child of divorce (separated when I was 6, divorced when I was 9), let me give you a piece of advice: explain everything to your kids. Do it simply, but do it. I was sheltered from my parents’ issues- “Daddy is just staying somewhere else to closer to the hospital (work)” made me very bitter when I started to figure it out.

36

A lawyer can set out your rights and responsibilities and your wife’s rights and responsibilities with respect to:
[ul]Custody[/ul]
[ul]Access[/ul]
[ul]Child support[/ul]
[ul]Spousal support[/ul]
[ul]Division of marital property[/ul]
[ul]Divorce[/ul]

A lawyer can prepare you for, and represent you at, negotiations, mediation or litigation concerning the above.

Most importantly, a lawyer can offer you guidance, based on having handled many similar matters.

37

I suppose you could go see a plumber or a dentist.

Nah, go see a lawyer.

38

I am 100% behind this statement. My mom used me as a way of delivering letters to my dad, while my dad used to interview me and record it on tape for him to play later at court. I always felt like I was betraying one or the other when I did these things, but I had to do them because they were my parents. They took turns being hated by me, which put lots of strain on my relationships with them.

By the way, I knew they were going to split up about six months before it happened. Kids are way more perceptive than most adults give them credit for.

39

In addition to the lawyer, consider individual and family counseling to help you and your kids deal with the separation process.

40

You know, I was going to suggest a way that you might rehabilitate your marriage, but then I re-read this:

It really sounds like she is trying to punish you; probably for whatever sins* you’ve committed that are “causing” her to leave you. Maybe I’m wrong, but she is definately not taking responsibility for her actions, and you will never have a strong relationship with someone who does that. **

So I pretty much agree with everyone here except that if you see a lawyer before she asks for a divorce, you had better not let her know about it. You don’t want to be seen in any way as initiating the divorce yourself.

One more piece of advice I will give - if you don’t learn exactly what went wrong with this relationship, you are bound to have the same problems in your next relationship. With this in mind, I recommend the book “Recovering Love” by J. Richard Cookerly. While it is presented as a book for peope with co-dendency problems, I think it works as a how-to for nurturing sound relationships.

*And I wouldn’t be surprised if said sins are probably where you didn’t roll over and let her walk all over you.

** voice of experience here.