Struggling with relationship difficulties, as wedding approaches…needing advice/support

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, I’ve been a long-time lurker (but occasional poster) here, and I apologize in advance for the long post, but I am feeling really stuck in between a rock and a hard place and am struggling with knowing how to best move forward and handle things. I have been reading some of the various relationship/family distress-related posts here lately and have been blown away by the amazing responses of support, advice and encouragement shared here. I am struggling with my own relationship and family right now and am hoping that I can be on the receiving end of some of that same empathy, support and compassion.

I am a stepfather to two Kids and I have no bio-kids of my own. My Partner has severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues. She and I are engaged to get married later this year and…basically ever since we’ve been engaged, we have been fighting. It is becoming a pattern that any time it is just my Partner and me, we argue, we fight, we talk past each other and are short with one another. It has gotten very miserable and exhausting, to the point where I almost dread those times, instead of looking forward to them like I used to when we first started dating. Every day I wake up scared of any unanticipated drama that is going to happen; nervous about how that day is going to go. Is my Partner going to have extreme levels of anxiety? Is she going to have a panic attack? Did I do something to set her off or make her feel like I am hiding something from her? Are the kids going to be bonkers-wild today and stress her out? I never know what to expect and, with a stressful job along with the added stress of being a step-parent, I am just feeling like it is all too much…

Now, I have definitely caused my share of fights and arguments; I have messed up a lot and I have owned and acknowledged my mistakes…but I am actively trying to change and better myself and it just seems like things are getting worse and worse. For context, I grew up in a household where we were taught and expected to never focus on “negativity”, and to always cater to others’ needs instead of protecting our own or standing up for ourselves. This led to me developing huge communication issues, especially lots of people-pleasing and telling others what I think they want to hear instead of the truth. I have lied a lot in my relationship, about small stupid things and bigger, more serious things, and am actively in individual therapy working on this. We are working on this together in couples therapy as well and, while I have been making big improvements …the damage I have caused to my Partner is already done. And while I am actively working to rebuild that trust and reestablish a healthy foundation between us…my Partner does not trust me, and has told me as such. Much of the anxiety my Partner feels so severely is directly related to the insecurity, instability, and stress and fear they feel all the time because of the fragile foundation I have caused us to be on right now.

Even with all the work I am putting into myself and our relationship, I can’t help but shake the feeling that my Partner and the Kids would be better off without me. I view myself as the source and cause of my Partner’s anxiety, depression, and fragile mental state. My Partner can’t sleep, can’t function at their job, can barely handle day-to-day tasks…and I see it and feel it as entirely my fault. I constantly return to thinking: “If I wasn’t here, none of this would be happening to my Partner”.

We have been in couples counseling for a long while now and things almost seem worse than they were when we started. I dread any time my Partner shares with me that they are feeling anxious or that something is feeling “off” between us, because I know it is going to later lead to some other huge fight and argument. I have been scared to admit to myself that, lately, when I consider a future where we don’t get married…I feel immense relief. But I can’t tell if that is just pre-wedding stress and jitters, or if this is really a serious concern that I need to take a good hard look at.

Certainly, the hardest part of that is the idea of leaving the stepchildren. I am the main father figure in their lives. If my Partner and I separated, they would be crushed. But, as the wedding date approaches…I can’t help but feeling like the better option for all of us is to call it off. The pain I have caused my Partner seems so daunting and so deep that I will never be able to fix it or reestablish the connection we previously had. I know it takes an undetermined amount of time to heal these wounds, but the constant fear and anxiety my Partner feels because of my actions, the fear surrounding uncertainty of her future, safety and peace, is exhausting and damaging to both my Partner and myself—and I can see it affecting the Kids as well. While there truly do exist feelings of love between us, and we genuinely try our best to help one another and to be a partnership, for whatever reason, it just doesn’t seem to be working. I am devastated to feel this way.

Recently, my Partner straight up told me that they don’t trust me, and that they don’t look forward to doing anything with me because it always results in us fighting when we’re alone, and we can just fight at home instead of wasting money. My Partner has told me that they don’t even really know why we are together because everything seems miserable. Hearing this while planning a wedding is not comforting, nor is it fun to hear. I am trying my best, I really am, but I am constantly more and more nervous about whether or not I am making the right decision for my life and if we should call things off. I am scared and exhausted; stressed and tired. I feel guilty for feeling this way, especially because of how devastating such a decision would be for my Partner and the Kids. They have already been through so much disappointment, abandonment, and pain. I love all of them dearly, and if we decided to end things, I fear that it would just be another reinforcement to them that they are “not valued” and that anyone that has ever cared about them will abandon them, as that is all they have known. I don’t want them to feel that way; it’s not true.

I don’t know. I need help. Sorry for the long, rambling and venting post…I just…don’t know what to do. I feel stuck and helpless and sad and exhausted, and I am just so, so tired and scared.

2

When in doubt, don’t.

3

If I were you I would take a step back and postpone the wedding indefinitely. The time is not right and the stress on both of you is driving you apart. You said you were in couples therapy. That’s a good start, but if things aren’t improving, then it’s not really working.

You might want to talk to the therapist privately and explain the situation to see if they think things can improve. Take time and focus on your needs as well as the needs of the “family”, and don’t rush into anything that doesn’t feel right for you, her, and the kids.

Don’t lose hope that things will work out, but it sounds like you are a long way from a happy situation, and your leaving, if only for a while, may be the best thing to do for everyone.

4

I’m sorry you’re going through all this
Definitely a tough situation.

In a safe place, the therapist office, maybe, you really need to tell your mate the struggle you’re having.
They may very well be having the same.

If you’re in the neutral place any freak outs can be contained, and addressed by others as well as yourself.

I mean, really you have no choice. You’re gonna have to tell. It would another breach of trust not to.

Good luck. It’s not gonna be easy.

5

From your description, your “Partner” has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and likely a Cluster B personality disorder (I would guess a diagnostician would identify some combination of histrionic and borderline), and incidentally making you an emotional prisoner in this relationship with your guilt-fed complicity. You mention that [“…I grew up in a household where we were taught and expected to never focus on “negativity”, and to always cater to others’ needs instead of protecting our own or standing up for ourselves,” and that is exactly what you are doing here to exactly no ones’ satisfaction.

Forget the wedding, ditch the relationship counselor, and go see an individual therapist who is familiar with personality disorders to get an objective professional assessment of what you are dealing with and whether there is any possibility of salvaging the relationship assuming that “Partner” takes real steps to deal with her own problems instead of guilting you into the belief that you carry the sins of the world on your shoulders. I apologize for the lack of encouragement, but you are not going to make this situation better by staying in it, much less cleaving yourself into a marriage under this permanent thundercloud, nor would that do anything for the kids except model a dysfunctional relationship that they will very likely go on to repeat in their own lives.

I’m sorry about the mess you are in and I wish you well, but please take some action other than continuing on this path.

Stranger

6

Getting married to solve relationship problems is like filling your lungs with water to solve a drowning problem.

7

In a rare move for me I skipped over reading all the replies because I had to respond directly to the OP. …

I am separated from my wife of 2 years on the way to a very soon divorce.

Before we got married we had not even 10% of the issues you are describing. But these bits rang totally scarily familiar to me from before we got married:

She is incompatible with you. You are incompatible with her. Blaming yourself is stupid. Neither of you needs to be seen as defective or bad. You are simply too different to be a successful couple.

The only thing worse than what you have today is what you will have after the marriage.

Quit now and run the other way. You will be vastly happier almost immediately and they will eventually be happier than they would have been married to you.

Stop right now. Do NOT get married. In fact move out ASAP.

It’s not something that needs “a good hard look at”.

It’s a foregone conclusion that you are about to totally screw the pooch if you go through with getting married. You totally know this. You’re just not quite ready to say the words to yourself. Because you like to believe just a little more caring from you, a little more accommodation by you, and somehow the problems will melt away.

Nope. The problems are only gonna grow.

I wish like hell I had been smarter when I was where you are. In my wife’s case we didn’t fight. But we did always fail to understand one another and she had massive jealousy issues. Soon it became far easier to not talk at all than to talk and feel mistreated and disrespected. But when we did talk, it was with kid gloves or bared teeth. Which was utterly exhausting and not at all loving or nurturing.

You don’t even have half that much togetherness going on.

I still love her in the sense that I care a lot whether she’s happy or not. I respect her and her many accomplishments and good points. I don’t like her. Not one little bit. And both of us have a vastly better chance at happiness apart than together. The loving thing to do for her was to divorce her. The even more loving thing would have been to not marry her, but I didn’t understand that at the time. I sure do now.

The loving thing for you to do now is leave her, not marry her. That’s best for her, and oh by the way, best for you too. If you can’t bring yourself to leave for your sake, at least leave for her sake.

Your situation cannot get better and will only get worse. If you need counseling to get to the marriage, and that isn’t working, imagine how much more effort it would take in a marriage to get to tolerable, much less actually desirable.

The day you tell her this is over is the day you begin to live again. And the day you both move towards happiness, not deeper into eternal stress and warfare.

Do it. Do it today.

8

I think you have provided your own answer. If this is how it is already, do you expect it to suddenly get better after you get married? Also, you have to strongly consider the effects this kind of relationship is having on your two step-children. They are living in what amounts to a war zone, and it is going to have some very negative emotional effects on them.

In psychology, you are in the worst situation: an “avoidance-avoidance conflict”. Ending the relationship is traumatic and harsh. Remaining in the relationship is traumatic and harsh. Unfortunately, those seem to be your two choices. The ball is in your court and, for the your sake and that of the children, I hope you make the right choice.

9

Anything that’s bad pre-marriage will only get worse post-marriage.

10

Added - this is your gut talking. Listen to your gut.

11

This sounds like an awful situation, and I’ve had many, many moments of this except that, in my case, I was the cause as a result of then-undiagnosed and unknown high functioning autism (I was formally diagnosed several months ago, and I am not diagnosing anyone in your situation). Had either of us been in a financial situation to do so we would have been far, far better off separating.

I really think you should get out of your situation. It’s also not a question of blame or responsibility; you two, as mentioned upthread, simply are not compatible.

12

Confused. You refer to her children as your step children, yet you aren’t married. I assume that’s because you live together. How long have you lived together? What are the ages of the kids? It’s possible for you to continue to be in the kids lives, even if you don’t continue the relationship with their mother. Of course that will need their mother’s consent.

I’m going to echo many of the other sentiments here. 1) Don’t move forward with the wedding. That’s not only the best thing for you but also your partner at this time. With the feelings you have expressed and the comments that you say she has made, it doesn’t seem wise or emotionally healthy for either of you.

You should also seriously consider taking a break on the relationship, either temporarily or permanantly. As someone else said, you do not appear to be a fit together. That doesn’t mean either one of you are wrong…just not right together.

Good luck

13

Your relationship sounds almost exactly like my first marriage. It sounds like you bring out the worst in each other. That is not a good path for long term happiness.

I’m sorry. It sucks, but I think you both would be better apart.

14

I’ll speak from a different perspective. My parents separated when I was thirteen, and it sucked. It was the hardest thing I’d gone through up to that point in my life, and remains one of the worst experiences of my life. If you’re worried that it’ll be hard on the kids, you’re on the money.

BUT!

While some trauma from the separation was inevitable, it didn’t have to be as hard as it was. What made it so awful is that my parents basically quit focusing on parenting for a few years, as they dug deep into their battles with one another and with their own grief and guilt. And this happened before the separation as well as after.

Being a good parent doesn’t mean staying in a dead relationship. Being a good parent means paying attention to the kids, and giving them the love and support that they need. They’ll need it all the more once the separation occurs, right at the time when it’ll be the hardest to give it to them.

I guess I’d counsel you to find a way to end this relationship with as much gentleness and love as you can; to remain a part of these childrens’ lives, as a parent-figure as much as you are willing to; and to avoid traumatizing them further through neglect or bitter fighting with your ex.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful. I hope you can get to a place of happiness and emotional safety soon, and I hope you can help the children navigate to a place of happiness and emotional safety as well.

15

You don’t need any of us to point out that a marriage ceremony is not going to ‘fix’ anything.
You already know that.

Totally agreed.

16

Thank you for your comment. I agree that I am falling exactly back into my previous habit of catering to someone else’s needs and doing neither of us any favors.

On the counseling point: She had been in counseling for a long time previously (after and during her prior traumas), but has been taking a break lately. She actually was in therapy when we started couples counseling, and her old therapist told her to not stay with me any longer because I “had already shown her who I was and who I was going to be” and that it was up to my partner to decide how long she could “choose to put up with [my] behavior for”. It’s been several months since that; and therapy for herself has stopped.

I’ve asked her if she would be happier if I left. Our couples therapist has even suggested a brief “break” or minor separation where I go elsewhere, and my partner was not interested. She feels that we won’t be able to make progress by separating…but at the same time, it doesn’t seem like we are making any progress sticking together in this right now anyway…

I thank you for sharing those links to the psychology topics. I will read them.

17

I understand. It is hard to accept though. Decision paralysis is real.

Obviously, the kids ARE living in a “war zone” - and we can see that it is affecting them. They are both moodier, acting out, and overall struggling more than they have in the past.

18

Yes, we are not married but we live together for almost 2 years now. I know it is possible for me to continue to be in their lives. But it is hard to see how negatively this is affecting them too, right now.

I appreciate your comment about us not fitting together and that not meaning either one of us are wrong…just maybe not right together. Thank you.

19

The kids will be better off with one functional parent than two dysfunctional parents.

20

Thank you for your point of view. My fear, and sadness, is that this is already happening. Because of her anxiety and the stress draining on her due to several of my actions that led to her not trusting me, she has fallen into such a slump that she’s basically unable to help parent and focus on the kids now. Obviously, the kids ARE living in a “war zone” - and we can see that it is affecting them. They are both moodier, acting out, and overall struggling more than they have in the past. It is so hard and sad to see. I am trying my best to take care of day to day things, to be there for the kids, and make sure they are being loved and supported…but it is hard to feel like I am doing that on my own, while also having to try and take care of my partner who is struggling with mental and emotional exhaustion so badly right now.