I talk to TV commercials, usually with great sarcasm.
I watch romance movies. Not even very good ones. Don’t tell anyone.
ETA: Actually I do a lot of the things listed here, but since my husband is usually around, I don’t count it as alone.
I remove my dentures. Regrettably, i sometimes neglect to reinstall them.
I usually wind up baking something if I’m home alone, and I talk out loud as I’m working like I’m on a cooking show. My cat just sits there and looks at me like I’m nuts.
I cry when I know there is no one else around.
I bite my toenails.
Nominated for most creative use of spoilers EVER!
What do I do alone (and only alone)?
Sing
Fart
Loudly
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Boot up the web feed from the numerous hidden cameras I’ve installed in the homes of friends, neighbors, and business clients.
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Watch them masturbate.
(Some of them talk to their pets way too much. Talk about a buzzkill.)
Outstanding! One of the best posts in the thread.
All you people masturbating loudly…Is it because you’re yelling “JESSICA, JESSICA, OH GOD JESSSSICAAAA!” or “BRUUUUUUCE!”? I mean, you’re not gonna wake up the neighbors just slapping your junk around FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP, right?
Walk around the house naked.
Sit out on the deck naked (it’s a private back yard).
Use the toilet with the door open (for #2; I do it for #1 all the time when people are home).
Masturbate- not loudly, though. I would probably distract myself if I was at all vocal.
Sometimes I’ll make comments to my wife, who obviously isn’t there, like “we’re out of fucking Frosted Flakes? Fuck. Or maybe there are some in the downstairs fucking pantry. Now I have to fucking walk downstairs and bring them the fuck up. Fuck.” but without any real anger or vitriol.
Occasionally I’ll carry on my end of a rant/conversation with someone who I feel has wronged me in the past, and I’ll say everything the way I want to say it, getting everything off my chest, which I didn’t do at all at the time of the original infraction.
Pick my nose.
I’ll sneak out for a smoke in the side yard as I always do, but I don’t have to keep my ears open for anyone in the house coming out looking for me. Stupid, I know.
*Actually it came from some comic’s routine. I just don’t know who to credit.
Fart. And then comment aloud on whether the fart was especially stinky. Or whether it was a “rolling thunder fart.”
My husband used to fart in my presence and then say, “Sorry, honey. But, better out than it is in.”
Chew on my fingers till they bleed.
Try to just chew the ones on one hand, though, letting the other hand heal…so it can be used for, uh, something else.
Masturbate.
Pick my nose.
Sing in really high falsetto. Sing really loudly and annoyingly.
Masturbate with the volume up on the porn.
Walk around naked.
When I was younger I used to have a habit of whining, on my way to work. I walked to work, in a restaurant, and I’d walk a path through back alleys and parking lots, avoiding people, so I could whine all the way to work. I was saving my pennies to take a long holiday overseas, and I was getting close to my departure day. These were the hardest days to work. My whine increased in intensity and volume. I seem to recall I was rather loudly whining, “I really, really, really,don’t wanna go to work, I hate this freaking job!, etc, etc”. When I turned into a familiar alley and there, unexpectedly were three guys actually using the loading dock. Where there had never been people before. I was stunned. As were they. They must have been able to hear me for ages before I appeared. I was silenced, we were all just staring at each other, startled. When one of them screams out my exact whine, word for word! We all burst out laughing and continued on as we were.
I never did the whining out loud thing, again!
Hah! Now I know what happened when I tried to post this in another thread!
My dad would have loved that joke.
Talk to myself. A lot.
Sing.
Talk to the cats.
Sing to the cats.
Eat without table manners (licking the plate, etc.).
Yell at politicians on TV.
Not take a shower or shave.
Masturbate at random volumes (of sound, not of quantity).