Thanks for explaining this one. I wondered if someone would ask. As an extension of the “No candy” lane, one lady asked pretty much the same question when I was running the lane and was rather offended when I explained what it meant. Apparently, I was supposed to answer the question without revealing how dumb the question was. Even though I was friendly and nice and not at all sarcastic.
Many moons ago I did dialup ISP tech support, which I’m pretty sure counts as one of the circles of Hell Dante failed to mention. One memorable call involved a user with only one phone line who constantly would unplug the phone in the MIDDLE of our support calls to test a setting, then be angry when he’d call back to say that what I’d told him to try didn’t work.
Well, obviously, Fritz… You only listened to the first step before cutting the connection YOURSELF, I wonder WHY opening the Network control panel didn’t solve the problem straight off? Oh, because there’s settings we need to check! Is it still open? No? Okay, open it again but this time DON’T UNPLUG YOUR {click} phone…
Repeat ad infinitum.
Oddly, it wasn’t until I got to administration that I REALLY developed a distaste for users.
Well gee no wonder he got confused when you kept telling him you were different people 
“Will this 10W-40 oil work in my white car?”
I sympathize. As a HS teacher, the only way I’ve been able to cut loose from my aggravated rage is to not care. These are not my children. I have done my job decently. It is not my fault if they are stupid. I can not be Dad to 160 kids (a speech I make to them directly).
If I actually care if they ask me stupid things, then I will get mad, and they will turn off. I now only care about whether I did a decent job, and after that, it’s up to them. Some will care, and some won’t. I cannot change lives with under 5 minutes of personal attention a day. The ones who have been raised well will respond, and the ones who have not, well, I can’t save them from their parents. God might.
I once had a couple ask whether the bean specks in vanilla ice cream were lima beans. When I explained it was vanilla beans, they didn’t believe me.
Da’hell?
I used to work in the fitting room of a Ross. I’ve had women ask me where the women’s department was, (?) wander in thinking it was a bathroom, and throw clothes at me because, due to store policy, we had to count each piece as a separate item, so a bikini was two pieces, a three-piece suit was three, etc. We had a limit of six items, so no, I’m sorry, you can’t take four bikinis back in there. I’ll be happy to hold one for you, and I only make $4.25 an hour (this was a few years ago) and I’m working my way through college and I still have a test to study for so there’s no use yelling at me, I don’t make the rules, and oh dear Og, I’m so glad I know longer work in retail.
I fill in for whoever is in the fitting room when I’m there, for their lunches and whatnot. For an hour or so a day, it’s okay. The ladies who do that job all the time are angels, I swear, because I don’t know how else they do it! Otherwise I’m usually in lingerie. I’d much much rather be sorting out the hose displays (which get AMAZINGLY messed up and it can take a whole shift to sort it) than being at the fitting room.
No, you can’t pay for those jeans back here. Do you see a register??? NO??? THEN GO UP FRONT!
No, you can’t use my phone. It’s for employees only. There’s a pay phone back by layaway.
I’m sorry if you have seven things, six is the limit. And no, you can’t try on underwear. Do you see that package that is sealed? That means NO YOU CAN’T RIP IT OPEN AND TRY IT ON!!!
If you’re job hunting, being rude to the person who answers the phone at the store you want to work at is not a good idea. I swear I’m going to start listing the names of the ones who are particularly rude and give them to the personnel people so they know who not to hire.
When I was waiting tables about 10 years ago, I asked a man if he cared for anything from the bar. He asked me what kinds of lagers we had. I began going down the list of lagers beginning with Budweiser. He stopped me and told me that Budweiser was not a lager. How did he know this? “Because all lagers are dark beers.”
I can’t remember the beer he actually settled on, but it was an ale. :rolleyes:
Oh, that made me laugh. 
I sell ice cream, so I feel you. A lot of my dumb customers are people with questions about ice cream. We also sell chocolate.
What’s in the…?
“What’s in the chocolate peanut butter ice cream?” “… Chocolate and peanut butter.”
“What’s in the oreo ice cream?” “Oreos.”
“What’s in the chocolate covered marshmallows?” This question answers itself! I always hope they’ll get to the end and say, “… Oh. Never mind.”
“What’s in the candy apples? Is there, like, a real APPLE in there?!” No. It’s full of razor blades and BEES.
X-ray Vision!
I love when people point at stuff as though I have X-ray vision. “Can I have THIS ONE?” I cannot see through the counter.
And I’ve heard of people not seeing glass and banging their heads/bodies/arms on it, but what’s really funny is people who assume there is glass in a place where there is not. Our fudge shelf does not have glass on it. It’s self-serve. We can technically reach through the back, but usually there are things in the way so that we cannot. Plus, the labels face the customer, so it’s really easier if you just grab it and bring it up. But sometimes you get…
“Can I get a maple fudge?”
“Sure, just go ahead and grab one.”
dumbfounded look “But how can I… there’s… sputter reaches Oh. I thought there was glass there.”
The Tempering Machine
And in our store we have a chocolate tempering machine. Basically, it keeps chocolate at the right temperature for us to dip things in it and have it dry quickly, smoothly, and all shiny and pretty and stuff. At least five times a day:
“Do you ever… like, y’know, just like, put your hand in there and go like ALLAAAALAAGHHH licking motions?”
“Do you ever… like, y’know, just like, put your head in there? ALLALLAALALAGH!!! licking motions”
“Can I, like, y’know, put my face in there? I’d be like ALLAAALALALLAGH!!! licking motions”
Gah! The tempering machine turns people into morons.
The Sample Bums
We have some repeat “customers” who buy nothing but ask for samples every day.
- The man who walks in and says nothing, and stands there staring at you like a lost puppy for 15 minutes until you give him a sample
- The man who drools and says “SAMPLE!!! SAMPLE!!!”
- The man who is actually quite nice and has made friends with the managers and therefore gets giant blocks of fudge as “samples”
- The Picky Sampler who gets angry if you touch his sample with your glove and will storm out if you do so (we WEAR those gloves so we can touch food, you know!)
Misc
My coworker’s name is Shade. That is his real name. It is on his name tag. “Sh-Shaaade? Is that your real name? GIGGLE GIGGLE TEE HEE!”
Shade: “No. It’s the name they gave me when I got out of prison.”
(He is lucky to be one of those people who can say anything to anyone and get away with it. Especially girls, but he also works on guys! It’s amazing.)
Customer: “Can I have an English toffee?”
Me: yada yada, goes through sale as normal
Customer: leaves after sale as normal, comes back 5 seconds later with expression on her face like we just kicked her puppy and threw her child’s blankie in the river “I don’t like this, can I have something else?”
It’s… a candy. A candy which you have now touched and bitten. Plus, we don’t do exchanges. Suck up the $2 and get on with your life.
She sighs at me and sulks her way out of the store.
Customer at ice cream: “Do you do a kids’ size?”
Me: “No, we only sell by scoops. A small is one, a regular is two, and a large is three.”
Customer: “Well, can you make it a one scoop but make it smaller?”
Me: “Sure, no problem. We still have to charge you the same price as a small, though. Is that okay?”
Customer: “huffs WELL, I don’t think it’s FAIR, but… sighs”
Oh. My. God. Did I not JUST tell you we don’t have a kids’ size? Why did you think that by asking for a smaller, cheaper scoop I’d just magically invent one? We don’t have one. Poke off. Feed your kid some broccoli.
Customer: standing at fudge display, which is a good 20 feet away from the cash register where the other customers are standing and paying
Staff: all assuming customer is waiting for someone, so we just smile at her as we walk by getting other customers’ orders
Customer: takes out money and sighs
Staff: waiting on customers who actually walked the 20 feet to the till
Customer: waves money around
Manager: “We can help you at the tills, over there.”
DUH! Sometimes I just don’t think people know how a store works. You don’t just stand in a random place and expect someone to ring you through! That’s what the lineup is for! Do you go into Wal-Mart, stand in the middle of the clothing department and wave money around?
I love writing about customers.
So many stories…so little time:
Years ago, we sold some Cat. 5 cable to a client which one of our techs dropped off at her office as he had a service call in the neighborhood.
The client asked him a few questions about a new Iomega tape drive she’d had her boyfriend install and, as the tech was really pressed for time, he told her he coudn’t stay and help her but she was welcome to call our office and someone would try and walk her through the process of backing up her data.
She never called and a week later her hard drive crashed.
She called our office in a panic and this is how the conversation went:
Me: Hi. Blah blah computers, can I help you?
Dumbass: My hard drive has crashed and I have 8 years on data on it.
Me: I’m very sorry but we are not set up to do data recovery. Do you have a current backup?
DA: No-and it’s your fault because the tech wouldn’t help me.
Me: Actually, ma’am the tech told you to call the office last week but you never did.
DA: But I’ve lost 8 years of records.
Me: I’m very sorry. I can give you the number of a data recovery service but it’s very expensive.
DA: I’m going to sue you then-it’s your fault because the tech didn’t help me.
Me: So, you’re planning to sue us when 1) we didn’t sell you the computer; 2) we didn’t sell you the tape drive; 3) we didn’t install the tape drive and 4) you were told to call the office but never did.
Have at it!
When I was a travel agent, I had clients that wanted to keep one rental car and drive it between the Hawaiian Islands, drive from England to Ireland, complained because there were so many Mexicans in Cancun, wanted a beach front room in Orlando, wanted to cruise to Las Vegas, and got upset because everyone in France insisted on speaking French.
I use to work for the credit card division of a bank. They finance many store brand charge cards. One company had a credit offer for no financing for 18 months. The application indicated that the full finance charges would be billed if the balance wasn’t paid in full by the promotional expiration date.
Customer bills printed a warning that the expiration date was pending on three consecutive statements prior to the due date.
I got a call:
“I’m not paying these finance charges.”
I explained the 18 month “free period” and the expiration date.
“The salesperson didn’t tell me.”
I explained that the information was on each of three statements.
“I didn’t read the bill. I just paid the minimum.”
I explained that not reading wasn’t reason to cancel finance charges. I explained that when she applied for the card the information was also given to her before she applied for credit.
“The store was busy when I shopped with my toddlers. I just wanted to go, so I signed the contract without reading it. Look - I’m an attorney and this type of billing is illegal. Let me speak to your manager.”
An attorney signed a retail contract without reading it and I should feel intimidated - sheesh. I happily escalated the call.
I use to work for the credit card division of a bank. They finance many store brand charge cards. One company had a credit offer for no finance charges for 18 months. The application indicated that the full finance charges would be billed if the balance wasn’t paid in full by the promotional expiration date.
Customer bills printed a warning that the expiration date was pending on three consecutive statements prior to the due date.
I got a call:
“I’m not paying these finance charges.”
I explained the 18 month “free period” and the expiration date.
“The salesperson didn’t tell me.”
I explained that the information was on each of three statements.
“I didn’t read the bill. I just paid the minimum.”
I explained that not reading wasn’t reason to cancel finance charges. I explained that when she applied for the card the information was also given to her before she applied for credit.
“The store was busy when I shopped with my toddlers. I just wanted to go, so I signed the contract without reading it. Look - I’m an attorney and this type of billing is illegal. Let me speak to your manager.”
An attorney signed a retail contract without reading it and I should feel intimidated - sheesh. I happily escalated the call.
OH! I LIKE THAT! 
Sig line, please, rinni?
Duh. That’s what the “W” means.
This drove me nuts when I worked at the deli/bakery. I was never a people person to start with, so after the first few times I’d just say, “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s a computer, a case, and a bunch of meat betwen you and me. Can you please tell me what you’d like?” Then I’d stand there and repeat that until they figured it out.
Well, this sounds like a problem that’s certainly easy to handle.
I’d have people like this… I’d say “this one’s low salt” or “this doesn’t have chocolate” and they’d say “I don’t beleive you” or “no it isn’t.” At that point I’d just say “OK” and walk away.
I’ve got one on me.
Ivylad was in the Navy and got transferred to CT. I was a Florida girl, born and bred, so this was a big change to me.
We were renting the top floor of a house from the couple below, and when I got there, there was something about not having hot water yet because the oil delivery was running late. So, oil is delivered to the house in CT. Check.
We had natural gas for the stove (again, Florida girl, never had natural gas appliances before) and I had to call to get it hooked up. Thinking natural gas is similar to oil and that it was delivered the same, I asked the technician, “So, how does this work? Do you come by every month and give me gas?”
He looked at me, started snickering, and explained how pipelines worked. :smack:
ding! ding! ding!
You win.
Really? Of course! I’d be honoured!
Ha! This elicited a giggle.
Hehe yes. I didn’t know the guy, but after he left, a co-worker told me she doesn’t even bother giving him samples anymore because he just asks for them day after day and is rude about it. If I remembered what he looked like, I’d do the same!
I love customer stories. Perhaps too much.
You think those were bad?
A few more examples from my travel agent days:
The young honeymoon couple that happened to be staying at the Hyatt in the Cayman’s during an unseasonably rainy spell.
They kept emailing the office asking what they could do because it was, you know raining outside.
It was all I could do not to email back “You’re on your honeymoon! Have sex-then have more sex!”
The woman we carefully prepared for a trekking vacation in Nepal by giving her tons of literature on the culture, climate, social and economic conditions etc.
She arrived in Katmandu and immediately started faxing us about how uncomfortable she was because everyone was “brown and short and dirty” there.
The executive that called me from the plane to whine about his seat. I asked him if there were any vacant seats that he would prefer to sit in. When he said ‘yes”, I suggested he move.
A number of good clients had my home phone number and I received more than one call on the weekend from frantic fliers urging me to help them when planes in Austin were grounded due to weather conditions.
I always wanted to reply, “Hello moron, if the pilot doesn’t think its safe to fly, why the hell do you?”
And don’t even get me going on the folks that wanted to see all of Europe in 10 days.
I‘d book them on a whirlwind bus tour and they’d have to come back to me to identify their pictures for them because everything turned into a giant blur