Companion piece to the thread about overly judgemental opinions.
What are the things people around you do over and over again, that you think are 100% mistakes every time, and yet no-one else seems to share that view?
Feel free to be mean, judgemental, and an all-round horrible person. That’s what we’re here for.
I’ll go first:
Moving in together as just another stage in dating.
Friends date. Friends move in together. Friends figure out that the SO is not in fact, the person to settle down, marry, and have kids with, and want to break up. But now, splitting up is a huge, horrible, complicated mess, and so the relationship limps on for years, making everyone miserable, because friends wont face the music and deal with it. Sometimes, they even idiotically get married to avoid the headache, and then have to actually divorce on top of everything.
In my opinion, you should never move in with someone you have not already made the decision to stay with forever. Living with someone romantically should be a good-faith step towards marriage and a family. But people keep moving in together because that’s the next thing you do when you’re dating, before you’re even sure if the person is right for you. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Have kids without thinking it through. They go ahead and have kids because it is the “next” thing to do, and they’re not ready for the responsibility, or their spouse isn’t much of a parent, and next thing they know they are a single parent.
Buy a house without thinking it thorugh. Same thing.
Start a small business without any research whatsoever. Oh, I see this all the time. Then it fails and they look around wildly, wondering what went wrong.
I’ll just chime in to say I completely disagree. Living together is sometimes a very nice stage of dating. Granted, breakups are a bit more messy, but manageable.
Meh, as long as they’re renting, it’s not bad at all. What are you losing, some rent and maybe a security deposit? Compared to a divorce, that’s babytown frolics. Buying a house with a boyfriend/girlfriend, yeah, that’s stupid.
I knew a bartender who’d pop any pills he found on the floor while sweeping up at the end of the night. His slightly smarter friend would call poison control, describe the pill, and claim that his dog got into them (nobody sends an ambulance for a dog) before judging whether or not he should swallow them. Still stupid, but not stupid-stupid.
I continued on with two liberal arts degrees (BA and MFA) while the economy increasingly became the worst my lifetime. Smart never felt so stupid.
Oh, how about people who don’t understand that they own their smartphones, and actually turn them into their service providers when they upgrade? NOT, turning them in for a warranty/insurance phone, but purchasing a new device with a new service contract, and handing over the old equipment. So stupid, and it happens all the time.
I disagree with the moving in thing, too. I think everyone should move in before they get married. You don’t really know a person until you’ve lived with them.
Not saving - I’ve run into far too many people (and yes, I was guilty myself at one point) who don’t have any savings. Then when an emergency comes up, they’re in a panic trying to figure out what to do. Or they get to retirement age and have nothing set aside to fall back on.
You should always pay yourself first - even if it’s just $10 a week - you need to start the habit. Then whenever you get a pay raise, immediately put half of it in savings - you don’t miss what you never had. Once it becomes a habit, you have the satisfaction of watching the balance grow and the peace of mind that when you need a chunk of change, it’s there. Again, I know - we needed a new well last year, and while I hated having to take that much money out of savings, I was so glad it was there for the taking.
I dunno. My husband and I eloped after dating 4 weeks. This year will be our 30th anniversary. I don’t think not living together beforehand hurt us any.
I don’t think you are the norm, though. You were lucky in that it worked out for you. I think lots of people get wrapped up in the romance and think it’s for the long-term when they are not looking clearly at the relationship.
I dated a girl for five and half years then moved into a rental apartment with her. After sharing a living space with her for six months I realized it really wasn’t the right fit, and I broke it off. I’m extremely glad we tried living together before getting married.
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
I disagree with the moving in thing, too. I think everyone should move in before they get married. You don’t really know a person until you’ve lived with them.
[/QUOTE]
You misunderstand my point. Yes, absolutely, people should live together before marriage, for a good long while. That’s my point: moving in together is a step towards marriage, not a dating thing.
Put another way:
"I want to marry you one day. Lets live together first and see if we’re good to go."SMART!
“We’re dating, I have no idea if I ever want to marry you or anyone, but I want you to keep having sex with me. Lets move in together, cause that’s what’s supposed to happen next.” STUPID!
I’ll say it should ideally be a demonstration of a true commitment, and not necessarily a stepping stone to marriage and kids, since not everyone wants those things.
Ok, i’ll grant you that reason is stupid, but there are many other reasons to want to live together that might make sense. My girlfriend and I shared a dorm room in college, for example. Much better than being assigned some random asshole roommate.
[QUOTE=Ferret Herder]
I’ll say it should ideally be a demonstration of a true commitment, and not necessarily a stepping stone to marriage and kids, since not everyone wants those things.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, poor phrasing on my part. It should be a genuine commitment, is what I’m getting at. Whether or not that involves children and white picket fences, or world travel and raising pot-bellied pigs is, as you, say, irrelevant.
Procrustus, yeah sure, there are many reasons besides marriage that warrant an exception here. . As long as everyone is on the same page, it’s all good. Moving together, and agreeing that you will never get married and will probably split up after a few years is also fine and dandy. It’s the “just vaguely moving in together because reasons” set I’m dissing here.
Really, this works for anything. People just don’t think. They don’t think that they have a left turn coming up, and they don’t think about the long-term implications of getting married/having a house/having a baby. I am appalled at the lack of thinking ahead I see every day, all the time. And I get even more appalled at the lack of introspection. I think everyone should take really long, hard looks at themselves, but I just don’t see people doing it.
I’d venture that this is more correlation than causation. And, even if true, mistakes in the love arena are they way we learn. I’ve made my share of mistakes, but now, on marriage number three, am happy beyond my wildest dreams.
Wasting money on $80 cell phone bills, $100 cable bills, alcohol, cigarettes, getting nails done, haircuts, and then not having enough money for food.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Seeing people through rose-colored glasses and not as they really are. That unfortunately can be the definition of falling in love, you will overlook or rationalize so many faults when you’re bitten with the love bug.
Getting into a bad situation, doing nothing about it except throwing up their hands and saying “Well it’s already bad I don’t care if it gets worse.”
