It was “affiant,” but I just realized that my copy of Black’s Law Dictionary does have pronunciations. I missed it the first time because they’re not given for every word.
Thanks anyway, ENugent. I really appreciate the offer. 
Broken Doll, I’d gladly be your Maths Tutor… oh yes indeedly.
Broadly speaking, It is a certification that ensures that your quality assurance processes are top of the line and as such your customers can expect the product / service you provide to conform to specifications.
Aside from being great for PR, it stresses the importance of documenting ALL your processes, which in turn allows you to get a clearer understanding of the inner workings of your company and detect / correct whatever inconsistencies / inefficiencies that may be affecting its good functioning.
In any case, ISO 9000 is too general in nature and excessively picky in its stipulations. It has its good qualities as mentioned above, but for the most part is a highly exaggerated list of requirements that add nothing to the enhancement of your processes. BTW, they are coming with an improved version called ISO 9000-2000. It should be due anytime soon.
Let me now if you want more detailed info!
Possibly your trouble with mental math lies in the fact that you graphically visualize in your mind the operation that you are trying to solve. That works when you have paper and pencil around, but when you don’t a more analytical approach should be favored.
For example, when multiplying 47 14, part the multiplication into two simpler ones, 4710 and 47*4, add them together and voila, you got your answer, 638.
Yes, I purposely posted an approximate, yet incorrect, answer to allow you to practice the technique without the benefit of knowing the correct answer first. Stop using the calculator and start computing on your head and before you know it you will produce the desired answers almost instantaneously. Quick, how much is 14578 * 54547? 
What about my intellectual mishaps?
I am too tired to think about all the misconceptions and stupidities that have plagued (and may still reside in) my mind through my soon to be 25 years of corporeal existence. Not to worry, tomorrow I shall make an ass out of myself and post such “gems of idiocy.” Stay tuned!
Me too! And I guess what was so stupid about it was that I knew I couldn’t see the blackboard anymore even though I could when I started school and I just never thought to tell anyone about it.
I also can only find where west and east are by remembering that they spell “we”. Luckily I have no left/right problem per se. But I’m lousy with directions when driving. If someone gives me instructions on how to get to a place I’ve never been I can usually find it but… I often can’t find my way back. You’d think that would be easy, just reverse the original directions, but I mess it up every time.
I nailed that east/west/north/south thing a long time ago, but I still can’t apply it to Hawaii. When I hear traffic reports, they’ll say, oh, there’s an accident in the westbound lane of the H1 near such and such… and I’ll be totally stumped for a bit, trying to figure out where the heck they’re talking about. I can’t explain it. I handled it just fine in California. Maybe it’s because the highways here seem twistier than the ones on the mainland… I dunno.
Perrine’s Sound and Sense is excellent for figuring out rhyme and meter, as well as figurative language, tone, tense, etc, in poetry.
It took me about eight years to figure out that Datsun had changed it’s name to Nissan. I think the change came at a time when a number of new japanese car companies were popping up, and I just figured Nissan was another one. Finally in about 1990, I saw a car made during the transition year that had both names on it, and was prompted to ask someone.
Crazy! I never knew that. I suppose I could chalk that up on my list of things I once didn’t know too.
There are two words I CANNOT pronounce correctly. they are, water which I pronounce it wooder (and don’t think people don’t notice!) and Breakfast which I always leave the k out of. I think that one may be in an effort to speedily say it so I can get on to the real thing. I am told by the ladies that it’s actually cute. Go figure, maybe I will leave letters out of more words.
I also cannot for the life of me determine north, south, east, west. If someone tells me to go east on main st then north on john ave etc etc… I just stare at the blankly, nod my head, and say yes. Maybe I should get a compass?
-Sorry, I’ve been away from the computer all weekend and couldn’t respond to any posts-
The Nerd
I got that reversed. My friends, ‘The Fools’, didn’t lead me astray, I just typed it up wrong. I say ‘dose’ as opposed to ‘das’. I should have said that aloud when I originally typed it up. Oh well.
If it hadn’t been for Orshee, and the learning Spanish link, I doubt I’d know why I do it. Thanks Orshee.
-The left and right thing is baffling to me. I never had a problem with it. It’s interesting the things you take for granted that others have problems with- much like my not knowing my months and their corresponding number…
-I also had the NESW problem. It wasn’t until a close friend of mine told me the best way to remember NESW. Say to yourself- “Never Eat Soggy Wheaties”. Works like a charm.
-Datsun= Nissan. It took me a few years on that one too.
Cooking for myself when I was in college was a definite learning experience. I’m much better now, but then…
At one point, I decided to hard boil an egg. That was pretty fancy for me at that time, but I had no clue how long it would take. (It’s also not something I could ask anyone about without sounding completely stupid, like “So, how long do you usually boil your eggs?”) My main priority was that I didn’t want it to be runny. I dropped it in the pot of water, and turned on the heat. A football game was just starting on the TV, so I got it out at halftime. It wasn’t runny. More like a superball, but not at all runny.
At least that turned out better than the meatloaf. After it had been in the oven awhile, I heard noises from the kitchen. When I opened the oven door, it was on fire. I grabbed the dish towel and beat out the flames, cleaned the mess up, then realized I had nothing else to eat in the apartment. I stuck it back in and finished cooking it. Yummy, that burnt, wet dish towel taste.
I’ve been into computers for a LONG time and I’ve NEVER heard anyone say “dose”… Who are you hanging around with???
Which is, of course, named after the famous classical music piece, Danse Macabre
Now for me… East and West baffle me.
Alphabetical order is beyond me. I generally know if a letter comes before or after M but if you want it more exact than that, I’m gonna sing.
Here is a fun game. If you see me reading a book, ask me to summarize the plot. I can do this very well, to any degree of detail you wish. Now ask me what the main character’s name is. You will have stumped me. EVERY time.
I can’t remember names of people I know, either. I’ve even caught myself hesitating over my OWN name.
I feel like I’m in good company here
I, as well, have trouble with the whole left/right thing. I usually just remember the whole pledge thing(right hand over heart) and work it out that way. I suppose people wonder why I place my hand over my heart so often.
I can barely cook (I’m 30). First time I made mashed 'taters, I didn’t realise that you are supposed to boil them first. No wonder they were so hard to mash. 
I couldn’t read a map to save my life and I also have trouble with direction (East, west, etc.). Only when I lived in Venice (Ca) did I know, because I always knew where the ocean was.
I’m lousy at math, I can add single digits together in my head, but anything higher and I break out the calculator or pen and paper.
For the longest time I didn’t realise that even though my car’s speedometer only went up to 85mph I could still go faster than that. (Try explaining that to a cop)
I’m sure there is more, but I’ve forgotten <g>.
I also have no sense of direction… N,S,E,W have no meaning unless its a clear day and the sun is rising or setting.
Can’t pronounce a lot of stuff either.
I can’t remember names unless I am specifically introduced to someone. Either “This is Bob” or “Hi, my name is Sue,” or something on that line. I can’t pick them up in context or in passing. As a result, there are people I’ve known for years, and I may know a lot about them (their lives, their families, their hobbies, their future plans, their professions, their boss’s favorite expressions) - but I’ve no clue as to their actual name. They become “the woman who went to Ireland on her second honeymoon, but had to stay inside the whole time because her husband, Fred, had a nasty asthma attack… the one with two kids, ages 8 and 14 who used to go to St. Johns but transferred to public school last month… her.” (And of course, by that time, I feel stupid asking “By the way, I never managed to actually catch your name.”)
I too have the pronunciation problem. For the longest time I thought the word miniseries was pronounced min-eye-zeries, with the accent on the second syllable. I think I picked this up from my mom.
When I was young, I had no idea what menstruation was. I knew it had to do with women bleeding, but I had no idea how it worked. I thought women bled from their breasts.
I can never remember which days have 31 and which days have less without doing the alternate month on the knuckles trick. (Make a fist with your left hand. Start with the first knuckle and call that “January.” Count off the months using your knuckles and the spaces between your knuckles. July ends on the last knuckle and August starts again on the first knuckle. All Knuckles have 31 days. The rest
have 30, except February which has 28/29 on a leap year.)
I can never remember that damn poem that explains it. All I can remember is : “30 Days Hath September…”
One problem of having a thread go two pages long is people forget to check the last posts on page one.
Opal- I answered that- I’ve always looked at DOS as being pronounced “dose”, instead of the correct, “das”. Thanks to Orshee, and his explaination, I now believe it stems from studying Spanish in high school and college. I’d been taught that DOS equals ‘dose’. When computers came around, and DOS equaled ‘das’, I had already learned the other pronounciation.
Thanks to my friends, or the fact that I got tired of them pointing and laughing at me, I now stop and think about how to pronounce it before I blurt it out. They didn’t lead me astray, they told me correctly. I simply screwed up the arrangement of the two words in an earlier post.
Things so far I can relate to-
-Grammer. I suck at it. I have no idea what prepositions, propositions (Well, you know what I mean), hanging metaphors, all that stuff means. I type and talk in a way that seems right. You should see what MS WORD does with one of my college papers- it’s a rainbow of colors.
-Mispronounced words. Besides the couple I’ve already mentioned, I also never knew how to pronounce ‘rendezvious’, despite knowing the word when I heard it and its meaning. Ohh, and that hor derve thing never made sense to me either. Thanks to whoever started that thread in GQ the other day and set me straigh.
-Directions. Until someone told me to say, ‘Never Eat Soggy Wheaties’, I was clueless which way was which (I wrote that on the other page but thought it usefull to also add here.).
I am soooo stupid
I always forget the 47th element of the periodic table
I never remember how to say “I don’t speak Swahili” in Swahili.
I never seem to be able to calculate any prime numbers bigger that 1 billion.
Seriously now:
Much like tevya, I occasionally have to do the knuckle thing to know how many days are in a month.
When I was a kid I thought MEN HAD BREASTS. You see, my dad is kind of fat and he has exaggerated protrusions popping out of his chest–they are not muscles, believe me that, so naturally I thought that breasts were a common trait shared by men and women alike.
As a rather naïve kid I thought that you could obtain “power” by “plugging” yourself to power outlets. Whenever I needed energy to do something I used to press my body against the closest electric outlet and make all kind of stupid growling faces as if I was going through the strain of assimilating the power being delivered into my body. :rolleyes:
I basically can’t tell the difference between fruits. You see, I don’t eat fruits and have never bothered to know their names or how they look. I used to think that I was a guy in the Sherlock Holmes mold, you know, a highly pragmatic dudester who makes a conceited effort to remember only the stuff relevant to him, rather than wasting brain space to store ridiculous shit. Of course, now I know that to be a complete delusion of my part, I know way too much useless crap to be able to honestly pull out that excuse.
I thought Steven Spielberg had directed Back to the Future" when in reality he was the executive producer.
Up until last August I ignored who Cecil Adams was. :eek:
I learned what an equation was at about the 10th grade level. I could solve them and all that, but if you asked me to solve one without providing the appropriate equation on a sheet of paper I wouldn’t have had a clue as to what you were saying. I simply didn’t know that the y = 48 x*x + 17 x + 4817 things that we did routinely in class were called equations.
As some have mentioned, I wouldn’t be able to cook the simplest dish if my life depended on it. To me “cooking” consists basically on pressing microwave buttons and waiting for the food to be ready.
I could really go on, rather easily if I may add. But I guess I really should stop now, no use in making even a bigger fool of myself.
WAIT, I just recalled a really stupid anecdote that further proves what a moron I am. Since I have already sent down the drain whatever shreds of respect you might have had for me I will post it anyway. There is no way I can further damage my rep more that I already have, right? Anyhow, here it goes:
I was about 2-3 years old and I wake up and find these funny brown balls in my bed. Great, lets play some, I think to myself. So for the next hour there I am having a great time fooling around with these curious looking balls when my mom gets into the room to check on me. I am puzzled by the perplexed stare she directs towards me; grief, surprise, sheer disillusion are clearly depicted on her face. Innocently I say, “Hi, mommy, look at my new balls.” Immediately she races like a mad bull and takes them away from me with a blanket. Still unsuspicious, I am about to complain when she yells at me: WHAT THE HELLL ARE YOU DOING PLAYING WITH YOUR OWN FECES?
Turns out I defecated while asleep and somehow the feces got out of my pajamas. Or, in fewer words, I did not know what shit looks like. True story, I swear.
WEll, hey, you were 2 or 3-no big deal.
The poem:
30 days has September
April, June, and November
All the rest have 31
Except February which has 28
29 in a leap year.
Yesterday, I got into a taxi to go home. The driver asked me where I wanted to go, and I couldn’t remember, I had to guide him road by road. I have lived here for 9 months!
I can’t remember or pronounce the word ‘remember’, I always say/write renember.
My spelling is atrocious; already this message has eight red underlines (I’m pasting from word)
I also suffer from the name thing, I sometimes forget the names of people as close as a girlfriend (of 5 years say) or of my sister, it gets very embarrassing.
And the left/right thing, I still need to pretend write something, to tell the two apart.
That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.