It was totally the Dave Barry scenario. I was so sure, too, having been pregnant a number of times myself! Gah. I still cringe … And she’s another mom in my son’s grade at school! I’m going to have to face her for the next 11 years! :eek:
Freshman year of high school I had to read a book report on The Narc.I proceeded to tell the whole class " my report is about The Nard":eek:
Somewhere about the same time I told my boyfriend, whom I had such an overwhelming crush on that I could never relax around, “don’t have a cornea!” Yeah, he was real impressed by my coolness and sophistication.
“Don’t have a cornea”
:snerk:
I’m going to have to use that, someday. 
I hope I’m not missing something really obvious, but this sounds like a totally reasonable thing to say, because people deflect criticism of themselves by changing the subject to the other person’s faults all the time.
I think that’s kind of clever.
I much regret this now but I was very young and foolish when it happened: there was this extremely pretty (but modest and very married) woman at work who had an exquisite figure. One day she walked by me and had to wiggle her hips to get by me in the corridor; between our proximity and her movements, it nearly blew my feverish little male mind. As she sat down in her cubicle I said to her, “Nancy, you are sitting on a fortune.” She blushed furiously and I felt like a heel because she in no way deserved such treatment.
Fortunately, I apologized to her a day or two later when I could work up the nerve to talk with her again.
Lucky for me and unfortunately for her, this was back in the days before formal sexual harassment rules in the workplace, otherwise my goose surely would have been cooked.
That’s like the time I asked a women when her baby was due. Um, like… never?
Me as a bank teller:
Me: Ma’am, your husband needs to sign this.
Him: I’m a man!
I once confused the sex of a person on the phone twice in one call. In my defence, it was a bad line.
About 20 years ago, I was a volunteer for a help line. All sorts of people call there, heavy duty cases of depression to I flunked my math test, I want to die. Anyways, after 8 weeks of training, we went on site to take actual calls.
I was really afraid I’d do or say the wrong thing, so I refused to take calls at first. Finally when I felt ready, I jumped in. The phone rings, I pick up, say hello Tel Aid and the voice at the other end says I want to die, I’m going to kill myself. AH damn! I freak out the exact call I didn’t want. So, having no choice, I start talking with the woman, trying to figure out her “level of seriousness”. Well she’s very serious. Here is the dialog for which I am still ashamed.
HER: I have tried to kill myself three times before
ME: OH! and it didn’t work?
I’m typing these words and I’m still blushing from my own stupidity!!!
Goes back into lurking in shame
These are great.
I have a friend who has lived in Japan for several years. A few years ago he came home for a visit, and took me, my husband, and two of his other friends out for a nice dinner. I had just finished a course that involved Japanese history, so I was asking him some fairly specific questions about Japanese culture. One of his other friends was apparently very impressed by this because she asked me how I knew so much about Japan.
So I was feeling pretty good at this point. One of those days where you’re on your game.
Then my friend mentioned that while in Japan, he had taken a vacation to Cambodia.
Says I: “How did you get there? Did you drive?”
When my wife was nine months pregnant I asked her “How come you walk like a duck?”
That was in 1962 and she still remembers it.
Apparently she makes sure you do, too.
“It would have probably looked OK on you a couple of months ago, but right now it doesn’t look very slimming.”
While in college, during a student free jazz performance (in my defense they were awful) I whispered to the person sitting near me “It sounds like they’re just making it up as they go along!”
Um. Yeah. Kind of the point. Whoops.
But we weren’t talking about his. I don’t remember the circumstances, but he just started flicking me shit for no good reason. He wouldn’t let up and that was the only comeback that I could think of.
Thanks.
Don’t worry, my SO’s sister-in-law asked me how my mom was a couple of weeks ago. I actually felt bad reminding her that my mom had died two years ago.
As to the thread, I’m sure I have wiped the myriad of stupid things that come out of my mouth, from my mind. For good, one hopes.
Yup a couple of times a year.
When I was a kid, my parents would let me run around the neighborhood to play, and they would blow a loud police whistle when they wanted me to return home. One Christmas morning, I was messing around in the woods with my new BB gun when I heard the whistle. I ignored it and continued enjoying the fine day.
A little while later, the whistle blows again. Figuring I had better heed it before I got into trouble, I headed back home. I met my Mom standing out by the garage, and she confronted me. “Where have you been?”
“I’m sorry,” I responded, “I didn’t hear the whistle until the second time you blew it.”
We both burst into laughter as soon as the words left my mouth, and I think that saved me from getting reprimanded that day.