My best was messing up my knee by bending over to pick up the newspaper. I had a little loose cartilage, and it jammed into something in the joint. I lost something like 90% range of motion for several days.
An erstwhile friend of mine leapt the tennis net to congratulate his opponent. Or not, actually, since he got two broken elbows out of the attempt. To this day I don’t know how he wiped his arse for the next few weeks …
I was standing on my girlfriend’s bed looking out the dormer window over it. Suddenly I thought of something that needed doing, spun on the spot to bounce out of the bed onto the floor as I usually did - but somehow turned only 90° instead of 180° so sprang head first into the wall that was only centimetres away … if I didn’t get concussion it was damned close.
At 14 I was helping my father move a washing machine in a Kombi van; I was stationed in the back to hold the machine from sliding around - it was only being transported a few hundred metres so he didn’t bother tying it up. Now those old Kombis had side doors that swung open, not sliding doors; as we went around the last corner I braced myself against the door so I could hold the machine. Except I braced myself against the door handle instead; the doors flew open and I landed on the road right on the small of my back, which shattered a disk. I must have been this close || to pulling the washing machine in top of me. Have had back problems ever since.
I slept walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I hit my head on the edge of an open door. I did not wake up from it, but my face had dried blood all over it in the morning and the door had a small blood mark from where I hit it.
I don’t even sleep walk normally.
Reminds me of one of my coworkers. He got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and was walking with his hands in front of him because it was pitch black. His hands neatly pass on either side of his half open bedroom door and proceeds to walk directly into the edge. When he showed up at work his face was all kinds of black and blue. At least that was his story and he stuck to it.
When I was about 6 years old, I had the bright idea that I could reach a certain tree branch by hooking the hoe over it and climbing the handle, like a rope climber. 
As soon as my weight was off the ground, the hoe popped off the branch and hit me in the face en route to the ground.
I had a black eye for a few days but was otherwise OK.
Severely pulled a muscle in my bad by sneezing while in the wrong position. On more than one occasion.
I broke the ball of my right shoulder going off a high dive. When I hit the water my hand was angled just enough that the water caught it, dislocated the shoulder, and put three cracks in the ball. That one will be tough to beat, I think, because it happened doing something with no real purpose.
I fell down a flight of stairs and struck the corner of a picture frame with my right eyebrow; hit a guard rail on the landing and lost three teeth; made it from the landing to the foot of the stairs and was found by my sister in a pool of blood. Suffered a concussion, had eight stitches in the eyebrow, shattered my right femur plus the aforementioned loss of teeth. I have no memory of the accident nor any memory of what led up to it. I don’t even remember the ambulance ride to the hospital—.
I grow strong from the lamentations of their women.*
- Conan reference. Truthfully, any lamentations at all will work.
I’m not sure. I’m feeling good about the compete lack of purpose in my trick step on the dog toy.
Askance I nominate you thread winner, based on current entries, although I suspect the honor should really go to your father, who came up with the plan in the first place.
Managed to avoid injury, but I was once trying to separate two frozen pieces of meat by resting them on the edge of the sink to peel them apart with both hands, using great force. My hand slipped, I was thrown forward, hit my head on the kitchen window, and completely shattered the glass.
I broke my toe once. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the loo and kicked a pile of paperbacks. One broken toe and one free dexa scan.
Got up in the middle of the night for the same reason, unaware that my keys had fallen on the floor. Impaled a foot on one.
You’re full of shit. Nobody’s that perfect- mistakes happen, even when you’re aware of things. Stuff slips, you trip, kids leave stuff out, etc…
A few years ago I was walking on a self-propelled treadmill. I was wearing a sweatshirt, shorts, socks and sneakers. A few minutes into the walk, I became hot, so I started taking the sweatshirt off, and as I pulled it over my head, my legs decided to stop moving, so I was carried to the end and off of the treadmill, my covered face planting on the track with the treadmill still going, the friction causing my face to bounce up and down.
It was painful, but I didn’t sustain anything other than some bruises. After I pushed myself to the back of the track and was able to sit on the floor, I just sat there laughing my ass off.
Broke my arm playing Win, Lose, or Draw.
(Less WTF, but certainly more stupid long version: It was while we were waiting to head out on an overnight with Army Cadets…we were playing in one of the classrooms in the armory, which are temporary things - a couple folding benches and tables set in front of a permanent blackboard - and I stood on the bench to see the board better…a narrow folding bench on a concrete floor is not a wise platform.)
I kicked a box onto one of those things with the two wheels that tilts back and sprained my toe when I was 18.
I went trail running once and went onto what looked like a different trail and got a thorn embedded in my toe. Thank goodness it nearly came out the other side because it was so far in there you couldn’t see it. My husband made me go to the hospital and the doctor pulled this massive thorn out - it went in diagonally. I’m just thankful it was my toe and not my dog’s paw, you’d never know it was there.
One time my dog woke up, did a big stretch onto me to wake me up, accidentally whacked me in the face with her front paw and gave me a black eye.
Age 16, fooling with black powder. I wasn’t making an explosive, I was attempting to create a “flash” by pouring out the powder in a design on a sheet of plywood. It ignited prematurely while my face was directly over it. I wasn’t seriously injured - it happened so quickly that I ended up with my face simply feeling sunburned. Singed my eyebrows and had to get a haircut, though. (Didn’t get punished - my dad figured I’d learned my lesson well enough 
)
More recently, I fell down the stairs in my apartment. Honestly, I had been expecting that to happen eventually, but I didn’t expect to be stone-cold sober when it happened. I needed to move a large-ish office chair downstairs. Due to the size of the chair and the configuration of the stairs and the upper floor, I had to go backwards down the stairs. I miscounted the steps, and thought I was on the bottom step when I was actually on the second step. So that last step was longer than I expected. I landed on my back on the living room’s wood floor, hit my head pretty good, banged my knee on something, and the chair landed right on top of me. Again, it wasn’t serious, but I was limping and moving slowly for a few days afterward.
When I was 14 I went sledding on Christmas day without nearly enough snow. I dropped off a ledge (deliberately) and broke my femur over a stump.
A few months later I accompanied my geologist uncle to collect water samples from a hot spring. I was instructed to step from one clump of grass to the next. It was my first day wearing glasses, so my depth perception was a bit off. I missed the grass and stepped on bare ground, broke through the crust, and found myself nearly nuts-deep in boiling mud. The ER nurse wasn’t buying this “boiling quicksand” story. She sent my mom out of the room, closed the door, and asked “what did your parents really do?”
This is a good time to remember this story as I have new puppies on the way.
When Mojo was just a handful of puppy we were picking my daughter up from her after school job. Mojo and I were restless so I put his leash on and we ran up and down the very empty, very straight, very flat sidewalk. I managed to trip over air because I am just that graceful. My right hand was perfectly fine, I cut both the top and bottom of my left hand badly enough to need stitches, and chipped my front tooth. No accident reconstruction I’ve been able to imagine can explain the injuries. I didn’t roll, I fell straight down. The dog stopped running instantly and the leash was in my right hand so there is no making sense of any of it.
Best part was the ride to the ER while trying to calm my daughter who came out the door after work to her mother covered in blood.