C’mon kids, gather 'round. Uncle Coldfire is going to relate to you a little story that happened to him today at the car wash.
As I’m leaving for a weeks ski holiday next saturday (trolls take note :rolleyes: ), I thought it would be a good idea to give the car a little check-up today. You know, oil level, cooling liquid, wiper fluid, that sort of thing. All parameters checked out fine, and I decided to drive to the car wash to give it a good clean-up. I don’t clean my car that often, and it has been snowy winter weather lately here. All in all: reason enough to make it shine again.
Behind the wheel, fire up the engine, vroom-vroom, off to the car wash. Now, sometimes, I just run it through one of those fully automated “streets” where you just sit and wait. But every now and then, I like to put it in one of these special wash boxes with loads of different spray and brush equipment, where you can dance around your car, shooting foam and wax at it like some sort of Car Wash John Wayne. This is also better than washing your car in front of your own house, because these places collect the water/foam/wax products in containers that will be processed professionally rather than just be dumped in the sewer straight away. Save the environment, and all that.
I opted for the latter option today. What can I say, I felt like it.
So, I pull into my usual car wash, and park my car in one of the boxes. I walk up to the counter, and buy seven Car Wash Tokens for the amound of Ten Dutch Guilders (about USD 4). This will give me 14 minutes of John Wayne time.
I walk to the box, insert the seven coins into the machine, and select the foam spray unit to put some “Active Miracle Foam”[sup]TM[/sup] on the li’l Peugeot. See, she likes that sort of thing.
I press down the hand lever, and notice that surprisingly little foam comes out of the end. Looking up at where the rubber tube connects to the iron swinging arm annex fluid tube, I see it has a leak. Foam is pooring out of the place where the rubber and iron are supposed to connect, resulting in a very piss-poor amount of foam coming out of the Foam Pistol. I put the pistol in its wall-mounted holster, and walk up to the counter.
The following conversation ensued between me (CF) and Car Wash Dolt 1 (CWD1):
CF: Hiya. My wash box appears to be broken - it’s leaking foam from the tube, and there’s nothing coming out at the end. I’d like my tokens back so I can use another wash box.
CWD1: Um. Well, I can only give you one token back.
CF: No, I want them all back. I can’t wash my car in that box, because it appears to be broken.
CWD1: Yeah, well, that may be, but then you shouldn’t have inserted all seven tokens at once.
CF: What the fuck? I can at least assume that your equipment is in working order! Look around: do you see everyone washing their cars untill the machine stops working, then walk back to the token box to insert another one? NO! People buy tokens, insert them all, and start washing their car. That’s how it works.
CWD1: I can only give you one back. That’s all I’m allowed to do.
CF: Then get me someone who’s allowed to do more.
CDW1: Hang on.
CWD1 gets on the phone and informs his superior, I assume. After SIX minutes, the man henceforth known as Car Wash Dolt 2 (CWD2) arrives.
CWD2: What’s the problem?
I explain what has happened. Since CWD2 seems a little slow as well, I take him to the wash box to demonstrate the failing equipment.
CWD2: It only has 5 minutes left on the clock. You said you inserted seven coins. That should have been 14 minutes of time.
CF: It was. I put the foam gun down after 20 seconds of use, and walked to the counter. After talking to your colleague for 2 minutes, I waited for YOU for six minutes. And now we’re here.
CWD2: Why didn’t you insert the tokens one by one?
CF: What difference does that make? Your machine is broken! You just need to replace my seven tokens, I drive my car to another box, and wash it there. Plain and simple.
CWD2: Can’t do that. See, now the machine is running, so we’re losing these seven tokens anyway.
CF: You’re losing a fucking customer if you don’t start taking me seriously right now. What is it you don’t understand?
CWD2: I’ll make it up to you. I can give you three tokens back.
CF: Am I speaking some sort of weird East-Siberian Dialect?
CWD2: That’s all I can do for you. My boss won’t allow me more than that.
CF: Your BOSS? Where is he? I’d like to talk to him.
CWD2: He’s not here right now.
CF: Look, if your boss isn’t willing to delegate more authority to you, he should be here HIMSELF on a busy saturday afternoon.
CWD2: You could call him, or write him a letter.
CF: Write him a letter, over ten fucking Guilders? You probably have a lot of time on your hands, kid. Fuck this. Give me back my ten guilders, I’m out of here.
CWD2: I can’t do that. See, the machine has run out of time already. We’ve lost those seven tokens either way.
CF: NO. I lost them because your equipment isn’t working. You earned yourself ten guilders, smartass.
CWD2: There’s really nothing I can do for you sir.
CF: Yes there is. Get the fuck away from my car, unless you like a nice Pirelli profile across your face. You just lost a customer.
CWD2: I’m really sorry sir.
CF: Fuck off.
So, I drove to the OTHER car wash, a mere 300 meters down the road - with a car covered in Active Foam ™. I bought ten guilders worth of tokens, and washed my car.
I’m telling you, there will come a day when I won’t warn idiots like that before reversing over their heads with 40 km/h. What’s wrong with these assholes who try to make THEIR problems look like it’s all the CUSTOMERS fault??