You won’t hear from many of those, for several reasons:
It’s human nature to rationalize that we made the right choice, no matter how badly things turn out. There probably are any number of people out there who made a “wrong” choice to have children, but who have talked themselves into the belief that they made a good choice. And why not - you have to live with your choice whatever it is, so you might as well try to believe you’ve done the right thing.
Even those people who will admit to themselves that they shouldn’t have had kids may not want to admit it on line. They are opening themselves up to the possibility of a lot of criticism - not to mention the fact that their kid might somehow read what they wrote. A person could very well believe that having kids was a mistake, but they will do everything in their power to try to keep the children from knowing that.
You are right, it IS a huge decision whether or not to have a child, but at some point, we all have to make it one way or another. Yes, guys don’t have to confront the ending of their choice quite the same way that women do, but in some ways that is worse - a 48 year old woman KNOWS she has chosen not to give birth and can get on with her life. A 48 year old man can still wake up every morning wondering if maybe he should produce genetic offspring.
If you decide NOT to have a kid, then do so firmly. Devote your energy not to thinking about what might have been if you had made a different choice, but how wonderful life can be with the choice that you made. There are so many ways in the world to be happy and fulfilled. Having a child is one possibility, but only one. You can be childless and have a great life. Whatever you do, don’t let regret dominate you.
I’m personally dealing with the ‘dreaded teens at 55’ problem by having adopted a 1.5 year old boy when I turned 55. So he’ll be in his teens when I’m in my, yes, late 60s.
It may be tough, or it may not. But either way, it’s unlikely to be worse than the alternative would have been - going through the rest of my life wishing I’d had kids, but having not done it.
Having a baby is such a personal decision and you’ll get as many opinions as people who post I had my one and only when I was 21. I was very unprepared for being a parent (I thought I was). It was tough, because I divorced when she was a year and a half old, so raised her pretty much on my own. I made big mistakes and small, but, I did the best I could with what I had. She turned out a wonderful woman and I am very proud of her. I can’t take credit, though, I had my parents help and honestly, children become who they choose to become. All we do is provide them the tools.
It may be because you’re breaking up with someone who wasn’t able to make a baby, it may be just your age, and it may be just a passing fancy.
All I can recommend is, think long and hard. Once done, it cannot be undone. You are a mother for the rest of your life! It has its ups and downs, of course, but it’s definitely permanent!
I’m pretty sure that to be a foster parent all you have to do is to be able to provide for yourself without having to rely on the foster child’s stipend (since that is supposed to be used for the child’s expenses). It might be a worthwhile thing to look into.
OK xanthous this is for you! This is tough to say, and I really hope my kids don’t find this, but… they were the wrong choice. I knocked up a girl and did ‘the right thing’ as well as adding a baby she already had into the marriage. We’ve since divorced, and they’ve even been living with me these last five months due to their mother having drama, but if I had to do it over I wouldn’t have them. I was 20 at the time, and along with a manipulative wife my entire 20’s were basically thrust into family/marriage/drama, when I should have been living life and socializing and being stupid.
Now dating sucks because I’m 33 and all the women in my age group and younger all want babies, and my babies are 13 and 15 years old.* I don’t ever want to do it again, ever, but my pickings are slim I keep meaning to get a vasectomy and all my friends say “but you could change your mind or meet the right girl and want more!” No. No I won’t. I don’t want to go through The Diaper Years or The Shrieking Sagas or It’s Lice Infestation Day or Fighting At School interventions. No more Parent Teacher Conferences either. Spending a third of my income on child care for the next decade just to work and go out at night is awful.
So here’s my advice on how to find out if you really want kids. Find two of them to babysit for a weekend. Preferably under the age of 10. If you can handle that, think it’s an adventure or it’s not so bad, procreate. If it’s an unmitigated hell, well then there’s your answer.
I will be 32 in July; I get a passing fancy every now and again when I see a cute kid, but mainly I think it’s a kind of evolutionary selfishness that crosses my mind…“I wonder what our kid would look like?” (I’m engaged to be married next year.)
I’ve never wanted kids and I keep waiting for the moment to arrive when the desire overwhelms me; I’ve always said I’m far too selfish and I believe it’s true. I think that unless you have a serious NEED to have a kid that you shouldn’t “dabble” in it, like “Hmmm…that could be fun…?” (I’m not saying that’s the OP’s view; I’m just saying that’s how I feel about it.) It’s the one thing you can’t take back. You can’t decide you don’t want the kid, after all. There’s no return policy. And all the parents I know say of course, you would never want a return policy…but of course they say that, because they have no alternative themselves. One of my girlfriends did tell me that as much as she loved her son, that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn’t have had him…and I know what it cost her to admit that and I admire her honesty, because that’s always been my worst fear if I ever did give in to the occasional biological whimsy to have one myself.
I have a lot of respect for children. They don’t ask to be here; I’d have to be waaayyy more certain than I am right now that it would be a good decision for me to throw my BC pills away.
The happy adorable slobbering toddler at the grocery store has not, as yet, swayed me far enough in that direction…
I saw this and thought of you. http://shitmykidsruined.tumblr.com/ Well, not you specifically, but the Royal You. It’s about all the shit you don’t learn about before having kids.
I keep meaning to get a vasectomy and all my friends say “but you could change your mind or meet the right girl and want more!” No. No I won’t. I don’t want to go through The Diaper Years or The Shrieking Sagas or It’s Lice Infestation Day or Fighting At School interventions. No more Parent Teacher Conferences either. Spending a third of my income on child care for the next decade just to work and go out at night is awful.