I agree with alot of what constanze was saying. I know alot of people that spend time with their kids, but tend to monopolize the interactions with their own agenda.
The most important thing I ever did as a parent was to become the house where all the kids and their friends could hang out. My reason for this was based on the fact that I hung out with some unsavory types, and I always rationalized their behavior to my parents. They never had the chance to form their own opinions because they never knew them. I’ve even had the parents of my childrens friends acknowledge and thank my wife and I for having a positive impact on their kids.
So what do you do if the cow is out of the barn? You are left in a situation where you feel like its too late to make positive changes. If it were me, I would start with a come to Jesus meeting where parents and child can safely admit mistakes, or errors in judgement, and mutually come up with a plan that insures continued developement of the kids character. Its pretty essential that the kid’s imput is regarded as important…if its a tad misguided, it can be diplomatically set straight.
Rats, I just got a call that I must address, otherwise I could pontificate endlessly. I hope I can get back and finish my thoughts.
I realize that the comment above was addressed to the lovely and talented Imp of the Perverse, not to me, but I thought I ought to reiterate that we aren’t the kid’s parents.
We’re concerned onlookers who on occasion are in a position to offer suggestions. A ‘come to Jesus’ meeting isn’t within our scope.
A timely comment or suggestion about allowances / jobs / scouts / chores / habitat for humanity is. That said, I like the comment about becoming the house where the various kids can and do hang out. I’ll keep that in mind my own self as our kids grow up. Thanks.
Actually, as not-related adults, a come to Jesus meeting isn’t a bad idea for the two of *you *to try, if his parents are okay with it.
Nothing says the parents have to fix this alone. In fact, if you’re willing to help out, sometimes an adult who’s not been telling him to brush his teeth and pick up his socks for 16 years might have a whole lot more influence over him.
All that “keep him busy” stuff I mentioned upthread? No one says that has to be done by his parents. You could certainly ask him what’s up, what is he into, would he like to go hiking with you next weekend, etc. etc.
When I started struggling with my son a year or so ago (nothing terribly severe, just the same sort of aimless teen boy thing you’re talking about, couple of episodes of stolen booze, a few too many nights out without calling, etc.), it was friends of mine that were able to get him to open up, to start playing Magic The Gathering with them, to go to concerts sometimes.
Frankly, as long as he’s safe and got *someone *to confide in, I don’t care that it’s not me. It’s about his health and safety, not me getting “credit”.
Health and safety is important. But you don’t want your kid to spend their entire life sheltered from the world. The problem is it’s tough to shelter them from the bad without also sheltering them from the good as well. Quite frankly, getting into a little harmless trouble isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It shows the kid at least has some heart as is willing to test boundaries a bit. You aren’t trying to raise a mindless timid drone.
Frankly one of the problems in American middle class suburban society is that has become so comfortible, there is very little opportunity to test your character unless you actively seek it out. It’s by facing challenges and adversity and acomplishing goals that you grow as a person.
Some of the activities I was involved in growing up:
Boy Scouts
Soccer
Baseball
Basketball
Martial arts
Tennis
Cross Country
Ice Hockey
Track
Summer Camp
Religeous School / Bar Mitzvah classes
I didn’t really like all of these things all the time. But they are activities that get kids out of the house and doing something structured and constructive other than fucking around all day playing XBox.
Why not seeing if he’d like to enroll in an exchange program, or possibly join one of those scientific vacations where you assist in the work. If he’s a smart kid he’ll be able to find a program that interests him. This accomplishes several good things for him all at once. It separates him from the friends for a while and removes their influence, (good and bad alike) it challenges him and broadens him as a person. It removes him from the home for a little bit and forces him to rely on himself far more.
These last few posts have some great thoughts. If this topic comes up in the intermediate future I’ll have more diverse ideas to pitch. I’ll move Istanbul to the bottom of the list.