My mother and I have been…not fighting really, but definitely not getting along, for about 6 months. My dad and I haven’t spoken in those past 6 months, but more out of his laziness (I’ve made efforts to contact him via email, but received short, non-commital replies only).
I’m happy with the situation. I realized just the past summer how poisonous my mom can be, and I have thusly removed myself from interactions with her. We’ve spoken once over the phone (friendly and superficial conversation) and exchanged a few emails, mostly about my 1-year old daughter (her first granddaughter). I’m just trying to protect myself and my husband and our baby from her occasionally vicious ways, and my sister and dad have gotten themselves cut off in the meantime too.
But a few weeks ago, my mom emailed me that she and dad would love to visit us in January. We live across the country, and they’ve only met Baby Smaje twice. Knowing that I must be firm about keeping my distance from her in order to keep my sanity, I replied that we would love to see them for a visit in January. I also included a link to a nice hotel nearby my house, and told my mom that she could have my car while she was in town so that they didn’t have to rent a car. It was a bold move on my part, because my mom has always insisted on staying with me when she visits. But we don’t have a spare bedroom, and what’s more important, I don’t want them to stay with me. She needs to earn back a little trust and respect from me if she ever wants to stay in my home again.
It’s been two weeks, and she hasn’t responded to my email. I check my email every day, hoping to see a response – not necessarily a positive one, but just any kind of response. But so far – nada.
Good for you. But keep in mind that she may NOT have got that email or read it or thought she sent a reply when she did not. You might want to send it again and ask to a least get a reply that acknowledges she got it. Sound like she likes to fight but you two don’t need to start any over possible random communication errors either.
I’m pretty sure she got the email. If I know my mom, it’s just a stand-off now. If I don’t budge, she’ll eventually just *tell *me she wants to stay with me. And that’s when I’m really going to have to stick to my guns.
If she doesn’t want to visit, no skin off my back. I’m so much happier without her in my life right now that it’s kinda funny. But I’m amazed that she isn’t drooling all over herself to hang out with the baby. The baby is so flipping cute! Her loss. Baby Smaje has another grandma who dotes on her.
We know this story VERY well.
Living in Las Vegas, lots of people want to come visit. About 90% of them we gladly invite to stay with us, but it is those other 10% that are annoying and we finally just put our foot down.
Just a few weeks ago, a German guy we know brazenly asked to come and stay with us - for a month! I don’t even like the guy, and my SO has a bit more tolerance, but also agreed this was a bit much. To top it off, this guy has ample money and could easily afford to stay at a luxury hotel on The Strip, but is also cheap and would rather have us pick him up at the airport and drive him around and play tourist guide for four weeks. He is rather needy and not particularly fun to be around. Plus, we have lives and need to work and want our space every once in awhile!
There are a few other people we have learned (the hard way) not to invite to stay with us again. You know what? It gets really easy to say no to these people. If they come to town and stay elsewhere, we are happy to meet up for drinks - but living with us at home for extended periods of time? Nope.
In your case, I know it is family - but you really don’t have the room, and living that close for a longer period of time is most likely not going to improve your relationship.
Yes, and good for you for doing it so far! She may still be reeling from the shock that something wasn’t handed to her on a silver platter. I just wanted to suggest that you can always use “I don’t have room in the house for guests now that there’s a baby” as an excuse if necessary and if you don’t want to hurt her feelings by being brutally honest.
I have had this same stand-off with my mother…my whole adult life.
And I have never caved.
Once, she came up with an interesting tactic, she ignored my hotel recommendations and found places on her own that were MUCH cheaper and closer. They were all run down crack motels, they kind of places where they frequently find dead bodies in the AM.
I tried to tell her this and described the places rather graphically, but she was all, I don’t care all I need is a bed, I just need to save money.
So although I won and she stayed where I recommended I ended up footing the bulk of the hotel bill. It was still worth it though.
Good for you! I admire people willing to protect other from toxic family. Most people don’t have the ovaries for it.
If you feel like caving, find a cheaper bed and breakfast, and email another link. See what happens.
But really you should let it lie, I think. Wait her out, she’ll come or she won’t. You’l be fine either way!
I think it’s a reference to situations other Dopers have had with either straight leeches or just-broke-up friends who were much more problematic than originally expected.
That’s one advantage you have in this case: you know perfectly well how problematic your mother can be.
I actually adore having houseguests. And we have an extremely comfy couch which could sleep two people. But I just don’t want her staying with me – I think having a little distance and breathing room while she’s in town would be perfect. Also, my husband just plain-out doesn’t want her staying with us. He sees how she treats me sometimes, and it drives him batty. He’s so happy that I’m finally stick up for myself!
It’s strange though…part of me feels like I’ve *broken up *with my family. Like, we were dating, and now we’re not. Like, we were in love, and now we’re not. I couldn’t tell you if my mom actually *loves *me. She says stuff like she would jump in front of a train for me, but if it ever really came down to that, I just don’t think she would.
