Yikes. I’d be more inclined to try a screwdriver instead.
Eating Captain Crunch breakfast cereal is like putting the roof of your mouth on a bicycle without a seat and pushing it down a bumpy street.
Also, baked potatoes… in a short story I will try to avoid spoiling by naming, a captive drops a freshly-baked potato down the shirt of one of his captors and smashes it, causing plenty of pain-filled seconds of distraction for him to make his escape. Don’t shout it out if you know the answer, like I said, I’m trying not to spoil it. Someone will do it anyway, of course.
A friend at university managed to slit her hand between the thumb and index finger trying to get some ice cream out of the tub. It was so frozen she decided to take a knife to it, which proceeded to go through the ice cream like, well, a knife through ice cream. IIRC she messed up some tendons and stuff.
Large sardines like these bastards have amazingly treacherous bones. Didn’t kill me, obviously, but 2 hours of continuous couching can’t be good for you.
Laura Ingalls Wilder’s book, Farmer Boy, tells how wee Almanzo nearly lost an eye when a potato he was roasting over an open fire burst and smacked him in the eye. Potatoes: nature’s secret weapons.
Good times. 
That was my food of choice during high school. I probably have scars to prove it.
I had a similar incident with a tortilla chip. I didn’t get stitches but I probably should have. I now have massive sensitivity in that area, as well. I had to switch to Sensodyne toothpaste because of it.
Pretty much anything in a loose deep-fried batter casing. I burned hell out of my tongue with a fried mushroom.
Along the same lines as peanut butter or gelled Metamucil, there was a warning on the last box of saltwater taffy that I bought that it shouldn’t be given to “preschool aged children” due to the risk of choking.
Why is this worth an eye roll? They are responsible for 17% of food-related asphyxiations. They fit the throat so well. People are seriously looking at designinga choke-proof hot dog.
Milk. in the olden days, countless people died from a well placed hoof to the chest or stomach as they crouched and made themselves compact whilst melking tits… Many were just mauled or seriously cut.
Ya see… I’ve always thought the pacifist pleas of the Chik-fila-a’s Cow Mascots should be “Drink mor’e milk.” rather than, “Eat more chik’n.” They can extract their revenge through unique mammalian means.
Surely, the martyrs of the tauriverse, one of Mrs. O’leary’s five cows that set Chicago ablaze.
I ate Pop Rox, drank Coke, my stomach exploded, and I died. (got better)
If the hot pepper is so hot your eyes water, do not rub your eyes. (not really surprising)
As others in thread have similarly said, I have had a sharp corner of a tortilla chip cut my gum so bad, I had to get an antiseptic / pain relief salve from my dentist for the week it took to heal.
Fish bones. Got one stuck in my throat as a kid at a fish fry in the middle of nowhere. Might not kill you, but made for one livid (vivid? :)) memory.
They can’t do that! What will happen to the millions of hot dog/penis jokes?
Not just to the chest or stomach- once when my aunt was taking care of some of her cattle, she got a hoof to the face- right over her eye. Luckily the orbital socket bones took more of the force than her eyeball proper.
My mother once told me how when she and her sister were little, they innocently ate a bowl of pineapple cores their mother had cut out of the pineapple rings. Skinned their tongues raw.
Trader Joe’s makes these raspberry jam-filled donuts that you bake from frozen in the oven. It’s vital to nibble gently around the edges when eating these, because, even though the outside may feel cool, a large bite will send a hot jet of molten raspberry goo all over the inside of your mouth.
In the Cap’n Crunch vein, salt and vinegar or dill pickle chips will also do a number on your mouth if you eat too many.
And then there’s sunflower seeds - not only will they pinch your tongue, but eating too many will hurt your tongue (and then you’ll keep eating them anyway, stupid, salty, crack seeds).
Ooh, I just remembered that one time in high school I bought a bag of my favorite sour candy, Shock Tarts, from the school vending machine. Being a high-schooler lacking in any sort of dietary circumspection, I ate the whole 2.5 serving package. For days afterward, the whole inside of my mouth was raw. I got a chemical burn from candy!