Mrs. Bernse and I were making home-made Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream the other day <drooool>. It is absolutely amazing stuff. One of the key ingredients (in addition to the 4 cups of heavy cream) is a can of sweetened condensed milk (now known as SCM). This stuff, IMHO, is nectar of the gods. Better than almost any candy (except maybe the aforementioned homemade Chocolate Mint Ice Cream).
Being the husband with the sweet tooth, I have always volunteered for the tough, thankless job of making sure that the can is thoroughly emptied of any remaining SCM before the can hits the trash. This is mostly to fall inline with the law that says you have to make sure the can of SCM is empty as it is such a valuble commodity, and partially that I just love the stuff.
As you are probably aware, these cans are one of few products that actually is opened with a tab and you peel back the entire lid to reveal the treasure within. Upon emptying the can, I quickly grab a small spatula and give the remaining SCM inside the can a good home.
Once the inside of the can is empty, I turn my attention to the lid. Mrs. Bernse shuddered in horror as I brought the lid of the can to my mouth so I could lick off the goodness blanketing it. You see, this is a tricky item. The sides of the lid are virtually razor sharp (OK, maybe a dull razor). Mrs. Bernse says:* Use a SPOON! You’ll cut your tongue open if you don’t!*
BAH!! I’ve been doing this forever. I’ve got almost 30 years lid, beater, spoon, fork, finger, you name it, licking experience.
She counters with: You know, this is one of those instances I’ve told you about. Remember, if you’ve ever questioned if something was a smart idea or not? Rule of thumb: If you’re in a hospital emergency room because you hurt yourself doing what it was that got you there, would you be embarrassed to tell the doctor what it was you were doing? Example: Doctor says, “So, why were you picking your teeth with that electric knife?” Or, "So, why were you drying your hair with the paint stripping gun? Or, “Why were you trying to light your cigar with the BBQ?” That kind of thing
Pffft! I counter with, “BUT!!! IT’S SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK!!! ANY DOCTOR WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY!!! BESIDES! I’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR ALMOST ALL OF MY 30 YEARS. I AM NOT AN IDIOT! I WON’T HURT MYSELF!”
She relents. She knows better than to pursue something that I already made my mind up on. I pick up the lid and start licking it like a small child with one of those giant lolly-pops, or a cat that found a puddle of cream on the floor. Man, it is just SOOOO DAMN GOOOD.
Then I feel it. A small tingle on the tip of my tounge. Could it be? Nah, it couldn’t be. I continue lickng the lid. Then I feel another one… a similar tingle yet again, and now the SCM has a strange taste. A slightly foreign, yet familiar flavor… even richer than normal. BUT ITS STILL SOOO GOOOD.
I think I’d better go and check this out, as my tounge started to hurt a bit… you know, just on the off chance that the totally unthinkable happened.
Mrs. Bernse :Where are you going?
“Oh, just to the washroom… gotta go, you know” I bring my treasured lid with me. I go to the washroom, lock the door and look in the mirror. I open my mouth. By this time, my tounge is covered in blood. I rinse my mouth with water to get the blood out.
Then, the unthinkable happens. I see a large glop of SCM on the edge of the lid I somehow missed. Not being an idiot, I decide it’s not in my best interests to use my tounge again to lap it off the lid, so, I use my finger instead.
SLIIIIT! A 1/2" cut on my index finger. Blood pours out immediately.
DAMN!!! My 30(ish) year streak of being left alone by sharp cans was abrubtly ended last weekend. The can got a hat-trick on me.
I’ll never look at a can of that sweet, sweet, Sweetened Condensed Milk the same way again.
