Sweetest Day is next Saturday Oct. 18! Atone for your past sins now!!

This is a public service announcement to those of you who are not aware that our most Hallmarky of Hallmark holidays* is upon us. Now would be a perfect time to buy a few dozen flowers and a smarmy card to convey your love and devotion toward your SO, as well as your deep regret for whatever boneheaded action has you sleeping on the couch these days.

*Hallmark Holiday: n. Any holiday that has no apparent underlying religious or political basis and seems to exist for the sole purpose of supporting the multi-trillion dollar greeting card industry (motto: Who knew you could charge $5 for 10 square inches of cardstock?)

Just to help out, I have composed several sample cards below in case the pre-printed store cards don’t properly express your feelings.

Dearest ______,

Your love and support have meant the world to me during these trying times, I want you to know that I will make it up to you at the earliest possible opportunity. I am told that, with good behavior, that may be as early as 2011!

With Love,


Ok, that last one was sort of specific, I’ll try to make the rest more generic.
To _______,

In passion’s throes I often find
I lose all reason and presence of mind
So please forgive my addled brain
for making me scream another’s name.


To my life’s best friend,

Death and taxes, the sun will rise, a new day will come. In this world there are few things that can be relied upon . . . I am apparently not one of those things, but look, at least it was your sister and not a complete stranger right?

With love,

Please feel free to add to this list to help others.

On another discussion board I [sub]used to[/sub] frequent[sub] I swear it’s over now[/sub], someone brought this “Sweetest Day” thing up last year [sub]see, it was an entire year ago[/sub] and I’d never heard of it. I’ve lived within 60 miles of Boston and had never even heard the phrase til then. Most of the posters [sub]who are nowhere near as good as you[/sub] that “celebrated it” seemed to be from Upper Michigan[sub]yup,yupers[/sub] and Canada.

But since I’m all for Hallmark making billions of dollars off of made up holidays, I’ll add my card to the mix.

Dear Sweathart,
My speling ain’t so good
My grammer aint that right
But the wey you look at me
Mackes me feel reel brite
Just like that Eyenstine guy

And don’t forget it’s going to be Second-Cousin-Once-Removed Day next week. Get your cards and flowers now and beat the rush.