One of my closest friends got the tackiest gift for his birthday once, from his uncle’s trophy wife. Unc and TW had been in Yosemite, and she got him this cheap little tchotchke. It was a two inch square block of wood with a brass stand, on top of which was glued… a seashell. ‘Cause when you go to Yosemite, the first place in the park you head to is the beach, right? A tin plaque with “Yosemite” written on it was glued to the front. The topper, though, was the presentation. He got it in a gift wrapped box, inside of which, folded neatly under the tchotchke, was the plastic bag the gift shop had put it in. Apparently, the plastic bag was intended to be part of the present. Freakin’ weird.
BTW, don’t you just love the word “tchotchke?” I do! I could say it all day: tchotchke! Tchotchketchotchketchotchke! Weeee!
Anything reproduced on a plate automatically makes it tacky.
It’s in the Constitution, right after the amendment banning cruel and unusual punishment. Thomas Jefferson was inspired to stick it in after receiving the first plate from the Franklin Mint.
Right close to that is anything depicting American Indians. Not native art, I mean the kind of art you find in the Sunday newspaper ads that show Beautiful Indian Maidens or brave warriors on SpiritQuests ™. Or BIMs in the wild primeval forests with a pack of wolves (with the outlines of wolf heads hidden in the branches).
[irony hat ON] Killing 'em off was bad enough, but this is just sick. [irony hat OFF]
When I was in the fourth grade, my family received a plate from an aunt as a Christmas present. But this was no ordinary plate. This plate was over 12 inches in diameter and was in the shape of a cartoon Santa head. Mom and Dad hated it, and I was scared of it. The plate quickly wound up in the attic. We didn’t bother to pack it up; we just set it on top of some boxes and forgot about it.
A few months later, we hired an exterminator to do a routine inspection of the house. He was a really good friend of ours, so Mom didn’t feel obligated to follow him around the house to make sure he didn’t steal anything. At one point, he went up to the attic. He was only gone a few minutes before he came back down, looking very upset. Somehow, he had knocked the plate onto the floor, where it broke into about four pieces. He was very apologetic, and wanted to pay for a replacement for the plate. When Mom finally stopped laughing, she told him the whole story.
My Aunt-in-law is the queen of tacky objets d’art. In fact, the guest bathroom in her house has been rendered almost completely unusable. The shower curtains have been removed, and the entire bathtub is home to an elaborate display of very dusty highly tacky shells and plastic plants. These are not arranged as a display, that would make too much sence, rather each shell has its own little shelf. The rest of her house is just as tacky and scary.
But for the single scariest piece of tack that I ever saw was an aproximately 4.5 ft tall statue of David(Who also had the hair of Elvis) that was a giant Tiffany style lamp. It was in a store in Long beach on second st. It dissapeared after awhile, and I finally broke down and went inside and asked about it. Apparently it was sold to be used in the filming of the movie “Blow”, which I haven’t seen so I have no idea if it is in there. But really, truly hideous. And I am sure quite expensive.
Jeeves
When in Rome, in one store I came across a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross. It was a closeup of his face. It had one of those diffraction gratings over it that showed two different views depending on the angle you tilt it at. As you tilted the picture, you could see his eyes open and close.
But the absolute worst ever was something I saw in a big book of kitsch. John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy reincarnated as ceramic salt & pepper shakers. With the holes in their heads. :eek:
I just want to unhumbly point out that a Thomas Kinkade rant was one of my first-ever pit threads.
Anyway, I was at an antique show once and saw this horribly bizarre lamp made out of a coconut and I’m not sure what else. I visibly recoiled and then just HAD to go back and look at it. It was marked $20. I told the dealer I was horrified by it and wished I knew someone getting married so I could give it to them. He admnitted that he only brought it to shows for the reaction he got from people, and it was marked that high because it brought in too much traffic to let go for the $2 it was worth.
This thing was unbelievably awful.
Crunchy, I recently saw one of those stuffed frog bands you were talking about. It was at a lure show, on the display table of someone who specialized in frog lures. I guess I know who to buy it for if I ever seen another.
Jomo—Blinking Jesus postcards—I love them! They used to sell 'em in Times Square (before it became Disney Square). It’s so hypnotic to wave the postcard in front of your face, and go in a Homer Simpson voice, “Eyes open. Eyes closed. Eyes open. Eyes closed.”
I live only a couple of hours north of the Mexican border - and as I’m sure many others here know, the long traffic wait to get back into the US from Tijuana is where you find the world’s tackiest crap. Vendors carrying armloads of stuff run up and down the lanes, trying to shove stuff into your window. I think the worst thing I ever saw was a huge candle shaped like a woman squatting and giving birth. I almost bought one because I knew nobody would ever believe I had seen it.
Anyway, Crunchy, while on such trips I’ve often seen Taxidemry Frog Mariachi Bands (complete with sombreros and serapes). Finally, someone who would appreciate it - next time I see one, I’ll send it to you.
The last couple times I was in the Herald Square area of NYC, there were vendors selling pictures of Jesus (and Mary too, I think) tastefully augmented with red fiber optic blinkie lights.
I was stunned by the sheer awfulness; I, the champion of bitching at people who stop dead on the sidewalk, stopped dead on the sidewalk and made all my friends gather 'round and take a good look. The only thing that kept me from buying one both times I saw them was a lack of cash, but next time, I’m telling you, the Lord will light up for me!