Tactifully indicating that you are being taken for granted

In My Humble Opinion
1

So here’s the situation: At first, it sounds like a neat idea - “Let’s get into this project together”. As time passes, the lion-share of the work comes to me and all I get from them is “Oh, I working on a freelance at the moment”, “I want to spend more time on my own stuff” or “I got something personal but I would still like to help”.

I am fed up. Things have come to a point that I am virtually running a NOP voluntarily society all by myself and all my pleas to “come help out a little bit, would ya” but what I really want to say is, “You talkers - you speak as if you guys want to do the project together, then when the crunch comes all of you gives me lame excuses like ‘can’t we just keep it small’. And I don’t even get a single word of thank, praise for organising a talk with some big shot from the game industry, doing all the publicity, venue arrangement, liaison with speaker and even doing a presentation myself and all you guys are only interested in socialising with each other”

Of course, if I tell it as it is, I guess I need an EQ coach. What can I do to bring them to their attention that ahem, “CrazyChop is going crazy doing all the work himself and he wants you fuckers to help or we just can this whole thing together”

Edit: I want to be more rancorous on this thread, but I am still too tired to do so.

2

I’m sorry; On hindsight, I think this is better of in In My Humble Opinions. May I kindly request a mod for help? Sorry.

3

Reported the post for ya, CrazyChop, so you could get a move on.

I usually go for an incredulous, “do you really expect me to do this all without anyone’s help?” Then give them the bwuh?-est expression you’ve got.

Or mention that you’re pretty sure it’s someone else’s turn to take care of things, for you’ve been doing it for quite some time now.

I’m not very confrontational these days, so these suggestions may be on the passive-aggressive side of things. Years of work in customer service has pretty well burnt the rebellion right out of me, and rendered me a shallow husk of a human being. :le sigh:

4

/Moved to IMHO./

5

I think you need to be really, really careful that you are calling this correctly. I don’t know you and so have no insights into your particular situation, but I have found that people that think they are taken for granted are sometimes so focused on all that they do that they don’t see what other people do at all.

But assuming that your understanding of the situation is correct, I am still not sure there is much you can do. My impression is that you are talking about community activities, not tasks at your job? If this is the case, you will never receive the kind of recognition you deserve. No one does. People don’t work like that. Agree to do what you want to do and what you think needs to be done, but don’t have any delusions that you will earn the honor and respect you deserve. This isn’t even cynicism. It’s just how life is. Public/community service has to be its own reward, and if that’s not enough to justify the time and energy, don’t do it in the first place.

If it’s a job situation, you have more options, but you have to decide what you want: are you looking for public recognition of all the things you do? Do you want more money or a promotion? Or do you simply want to reduce your workload, which is overburdened by tasks that you don’t get any credit for? All of those things are obtainable goals, but they all call for a different plan of action.

6

I would second everything **Manda JO ** said, but would emphasize the *plan of action * that she mentioned in closing. Group “projects,” no matter how casual, require a charter of some kind. An agreement. Here’s what I’ll do, here’s what you’ll do, by when, and here’s how we’ll make decisions and deal with conflict. And if it involves anyone more than you and your SO or best buddy, it all needs to be written down.

As the OP indicates, it is galling to discover that this kind of formality is necessary. But human nature is such that our in-the-moment ideas of what we’re willing to do are not very accurate. Lower your expectations and as **Manda JO ** said, do it for the intrinsic rewards.

7

I’d be blunt and say “You know, when this project was originally proposed, it was presented as a collaborative effort. Now you’re saying it’s not and expect me to do most of the work. I find that to be unprofessional, and it impacts my assigned duties. Either you contribute or I get all of the credit; which is it?”

8

I guess you got it nailed, sunacres. As for credit, well, they don’t even care about it - I’m not sure how much what I did is worth; now they are contended whether this project goes on or not. Meanwhile, as I am already in the limelight and have given my promises (up to end of this year, at least), I can’t quit; I tried once, and the emails I gotten from them [the remaining members] weren’t very pleasant.

For instance, I told one of them “I am quite pissed that I have to do everything myself as all of you are so busy” and the retort I got is “What? Now we can’t even be busy? Or do you think we are making lame excuses.” Well, that was a friend, so I just told it as it is. As you can guess, my list of friends have one name missing now (wait for the pit thread. It’s coming soon when I feel the rancor in my blood once more)

I really just want to enjoy the intrinsic reward of helping people; but I need help to help people too. Right now I am just so tired and fed-up that the only choice I have left now is to scale down the scope of the project, do what I can.

But still, this bothers me from time to time. I guess it’s a life experience. But hey, does it mean that the rest shouldn’t get an earful from me?

9

Sorry, my post is locked for edit.

As for my plan of action: I just want to scale down my workload. I also need to explain why the scope of project is becoming smaller, from a “Let-change-the-world!” to “I am doing what I can as an individual human being”. I devote at least 3 to 4 hours per day on admin, answering emails and planning. And now there are people I have to answer to. I can pretty much sure that if I say I quit, I’m sure I will get quite a lot of bad press.

As one can guess, my disappointment with the human race and the ideal of friendship is growing daily. A bit too late, I guess.

10

I’m not sure what this project is but since they seem to be to busy to do much, I suggest that you get the same way. If this is unpaid work, I wouldn’t put off paid work and I probably wouldn’t give up a hobby for it.

11

To the extent that I think I understand what’s going on (not really sure; you’re not giving a lot of quantitative data, nor are you telling us what it’s about - your choice, of course), here’s my suggestion:

Start drafting a statement of what the project was, and what your initial understanding of who was supposed to do what - or how the workload was to be divided. This could be rather sketchy (in that case, make it an outline), or a long and detailed essay - up to you.

Then you need to say just how much you’re doing. If nobody else is doing anything at all, you need to say that. If some others are making some contributions, even if trivial, you need to say that (however many) people are doing job a, job b, job c, etc., and give some general quantitative notion of their contributions.

If anybody’s putting in money in lieu of elbow grease, you need to say that (however many) persons are contributing money. And give a pretty good idea how large the contributions are.

Whether you choose to identify the people who are making some contribution, however trivial, is up to you, but I’d suggest your first draft - at least - not name names. I think you have a better chance of keeping at least a few friendships if you don’t name any names anywhere in it, but it’s your problem. You’re the one who will have to decide just how angry you are, and how valuable the relationships are to you.

Then you need to tell them just how much this project is taking out of you, and to what degree it’s disrupting your personal (and business, if so) life. Tell them that you’re sorry, but you just can’t continue to make a contribution of this size when nobody else is doing it, and that they - the group of original planner/participants have five months to decide whether - and how much - they want it to continue. Make very specific statements about how much you can continue to do, and ask them to think about just how much they want to keep it going. Tell them you need someone else to take over, if they don’t want it to die.

You’re probably going to lose some (more) friends over this, no matter what. OTOH, it doesn’t sound like any of these “friends” are valuing you very highly. You make them sound like a bunch of slackers with big dreams and no work ethic.

12

All I can reveal is it is related to the game industry of a very small country somewhere (actually, if someone really want to find out, it’s very easy). And so the game industry there is so small that once someone is on a ‘black-list’, he’s there forever. Which is why I am tight-lipped but man, I am going to explode one day and it is going to be ‘darned be the consquences’.

Started on this too late. I used to rely on goodwill to pull things through - like “Hey, friend X says this and that and he will do this”. Now I have changed to “You want to do this? Right, we have a plan, in writing and in email, and I want to know when it is done”.

You have given really good advice in your post; I will mediate on them. As for those friends - the sad truth is that they found better opportunities and hence, less time. Or they don’t see the need for this project anymore. They say in one breath “Yes, this country needs such and such an organisation” and the next day they are hired and…

13

Thanks, I tried. I do think you need to do something about the situation before it makes you sick (either physically or emotionally); you sound exhausted.

Good luck! :slight_smile:

14

Well, if you do poke around, there’s a IMHO “Sleeping is painful for me” started by me. I need some sleep. If it comes to me, that is.