Okay, so you don’t like that I only drive one to five mph over the limit, and you’re generally ignorant of speed limits, anyway. And despite maybe decades of experience, you still haven’t figured out that driving very close to my bumper does NOT make me drive any faster. In fact, you may have discovered that it makes me drive slower, because I’m trying to lessen the impact of the seemingly inevitable accident you’re about to cause.
Yes, even if you realize this, you still drive within a couple feet of my bumper, and the more expressive of you also gesticulate wildly.
I have the answer to all your problems.
Pass me.
I said, pass me!
Are you listening? I said PASS ME, FUCKER!!!
Yes, I realize that passing on the double yellow line is illegal. So is speeding. So is TAILGATING! What makes the passing law so sacred in your tiny, little mind, when you’re so fucking eager to bust up the other laws?
Or are you just a fucking coward? Are you too much of a pussy to step on the gas with open road in front of you, rather than my bumper?
Is that your problem? Can you only follow, never lead? Are you just a dumb, fucking sheep? Is that bleating I hear behind me?
If so, then follow your leader like a good, little pet. Stop your bleating, and keep a respectful distance between your nose and my ass. Follow me and I’ll show you the way to drive.
A guy I used to know about 20 years ago - not a friend - just a guy I knew - well he used to LOATHE tailgaters. So he rigged up a 100 watt 8" spotlight on his rear dashboard. No shit. Anyone tailgated him, BAM! 40 million candles straight into the offenders eyes. He said it worked a scream. They backed RIGHT OFF after that. Assuming they managed to stay on the road.
Anyways, he disappeared off the scene and a few years later I heard he was in jail for driving a police car off the road. Seems he did the tail-gate spotlight trick on a patrol car at 60 mph and the patrol car ran off the road - but they radioed ahead for backup.
Obviously, to mount an 8" hunting spotlight on your rear dash is, and always was, thoroughly illegal - but geez it must have been a good feeling to be able to use it on some occasions.
Coffee. With cream and sugar. All over my keyboard.
You want tailgaters, try the Baltimore Beltway. Even in the middle or right lanes, you can go 65-70 mph, and there’s still some moron who insists on riding your tail. In rush hour traffic no less, when no one is able to go more than 25 mph and it’s stop-and-go, there’s always some idiot who insists on being a foot away from you. :rolleyes:
Last night I was tailgated by a truck in the freaking RIGHT LANE of the New Jersey Turnpike. He also put his high beams on. Fucker.
I switched one lane to the left and let him pass me, and looky-loo, there was one of those “How am I driving” stickers on the back. Haha, I called in a report on him.
I’ve written about this before, but my solution to tailgaters is kinda fun. I’ve rotated the nozzle of my rear window washer so now it sprays a good 10 - 15 feet behind my car. Nothing is more enjoyable than “peeing” on the roof of a tailgater’s car.
“Life’s more fun when you have a tail gun”
Modification opportunities include:
Replacing washer fluid with brake fluid to “redesign” the tailgater’s paint job.
Replacing washer fluid with lighter fluid and hooking up a coil for instant “crispy critters” tailgaters.
Yeah, I’ve fantasized about that. Also James Bond stuff like caltrop dispensers, oil slicks, and what the hell… A big freaking cannon.
But my problem is I respect the law fairly well. I take pride in the fact that I can control my vehicle, and maintain a specified speed accurately.
If I lived with the exuberance and abandon of my youth, I’d have no problem with tailgaters: No one would be able to keep up with me.
Sure, there are people who can’t seem to drive unless they’re right behind someone. I’d kill those people off easily and without guilt. They’d spin off the road trying to keep up.
Then, their screaming, mangled bodies would wriggle and twist ineffectually as the flames roasted them in their own fat… Yeah.
Great idea, except that it might mess up your paint job as well.
I’ve been considering using WD-40. I think it would smear badly once the offending tailgater puts on his windshield wipers, forcing him to pull over quickly, yet it should remain somewhat translucent enough for him to pull over without a wreck. What do you think?
One time, my sainted father visited Florida on a fishing expedition, where he became tangled up with a disreputable squadron known as the Loyal Order of the Fakawis. So called from their ritual cry, “Where the Fakawi?”
Anyway, the official chariot of these Fakawis was a hatchback in which the Fakawis had mounted an authentic historical cannon, aimed aftward. Attached to this cannon was one of those sparklers that are used to decorate birthday cakes, plus a sort of electric sparking mechanism.
They had set the car up in such a way that if they were tailgated, a single button at the helm could cause the hatchback to fly open and the sparkler to become lit, thereby causing much shitting of pants in the offending vehicle.
I just tend to do the boring thing and slow down, sometimes to extremely low speeds if it really bothers me. I used to get mad, but now I have learned that getting them mad is much more fun
