Too mild for the Pit and completely inappropriate for About this Message Board (;))
So I went to BJ’s Brewhouse for lunch. Had leftovers so I asked for a box.
Like from the fetid bowels of Hell, the mocking gait of the slightly chubby waiter, the oily apron sagging pathetically from his waist, crumbs on the corner of his mouth sure to have come from tasting too many customer’s dishes, soggy towel perched like a vulture in his claw-like appendage, shuffles over to me and drops this abomination in my lap. I thought I was having a nightmare, the walls could have closed in on me and I would have felt less horror
This…thing…this eldritch device, a refugee from some outre universe where taking food home was but a fleeting imagination, it must have been the source of the incomprehensible qualities therein. A simple box it was, yet a blind and idiotic designer had put the sealing tab on the bottom part of the box!
What had i done to deserve this? Was this a prank? Had the world really fell so far from Eden that a benevolent God would punish his children with something so sinister? All this I thought of as my gaze loomed fixed upon that blasphemy, simultaneously fearful, disgusted, and angry.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, I cried to myself! The tab goes on the top! That lets you open and close the lid with more ease! With the hole on the top you’d have to push in the bottom with one hand while guiding the tab inside with the other!
Time slowed, like the flash before death, the instant before impact, or the shock of the time your mom caught you jacking off. Conversations went by around me unnoticed. In the distance a dog barked. I knew at that moment that aliens exist, because I had the proof in my hands.
For those who have too much curiosity and not enough sense, the device still is sitting, STILL is sitting on the pallid crust of lettuce just above some capers galore. I’m afraid to eat what’s inside. I’m afraid to OPEN it. What if the the steak grew back whole? I darenot attempt it unarmed…
