Suppose someone developed a cat collar that could translate 4 or 5 cat thoughts into English. Besides “Feed me NOW” and “Don’t bother me!” what other phrases would your cat most want you to understand.
The temperature is very slightly below optimum. Hold still and keep my feet warm.
My food dish is half-empty.
“Why you cluttering up my house” is what mine would say.
I pretend they are thinking “I love my beck”
Clean my damn litter box or see what happens.
Hate. Something about hate, but there is no human translation sufficiently intense.
“I’m going to puke!”
Listen up, pal—this is my turf, and you’re only here for my amusement. Don’t go pushing your luck, or things might get a whole lot less amusing.
“Open the damn door! Right now!”
“Hey, bird. Bird! Fuck you, bird!”
“I need food. I haven’t had food in ages - in fact, there is no evidence that anyone has ever fed me at all. I am a very small, sad and hungry cat. Feed me!”
“Gimme hugs and cuddles! I will die right now if you don’t give me hugs and cuddles!”
When you die, all this will be mine.
You can get buttons to teach your cat to talk to you on them.
I have them for my dog. (Do NOT recommend, unless you have buckets of patience)
The cats are interested enough to look and sniff around but they never tried to push a button.
Thank the stars.
I’d hate to know what they’d really say.
“You cannot sing. Or dance. Give it up, untalented hoomin”
“How can you walk around with no coat, pink creature?”
" What, are we in a Depression? Fill that bowl all the way!"
Pay attention to me and cuddle me until I bite you
You’re not doing too badly, for a grossly incompetent cat. But I’m still appalled that you’ve never caught a mouse.
“Open the door! I want to go out / come in/ go out again/ come in again!”
“I want treats! Not regular food, the special treats!”
“Uugghh, gonna puke!”
My cat has different vocalizations for each of these, a meow for the first, a sharp chirp, almost like a bark, for the second, and a wail that sounds almost human for the 3rd.
Many good ones, I’ll add a few.
“Pay attention to me! No, not YOU, the other pink one, you’re only barely acceptable if no one else is around.”
“Just so you know, the other pink one never feeds me, EVER, and they also beat me when you’re not here.”
"There is no evidence I was the one who knocked over the flowers/food container/the other cats food dish/the pillows/the mail/etc. "
“You are NOT ALLOWED to watch me cuddle -my- pink thing, other pink thing! S/he’s MINE!”
Bear my male Siamese does a good imitation of “No” in English. I swear sometimes it sounds like a nasty “F” bomb precedes it. Just under his shrimpy cat food breath.
“Yes, pet me, I love it, that feels amazing, OMG, STOP NOW, I HATE IT NOW, FUCK OFF OR I’LL BITE YOU!”
Why are you always walking just where I want to be?
I wonder what you taste like.
Quit being so familiar. No, there’s no remote under me. At. All.