You: Ahoy-hoy
Stranger: cause im proud to be an american
Stranger: where atleast i know im free
Stranger: and i wont forget
Stranger: the men who died
Stranger: who gave their lives for me
Stranger: and i proudly
Stranger: STAND UP
Stranger: next to YOU
Stranger: and defend her still today
Stranger: cause there aint no doubt i love this landdddd
Stranger: NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER
You: Is your name David?
Stranger: no
You: Huh
You: I really thought it would be
You have disconnected.
So far, I’ve had one genuine conversation, three very brief exchanges, and that.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: What’s up.
Stranger: I am Chinese
You: Nice to meet you.
Stranger: Nice
Stranger: to meet you
You: What time is it there?
Stranger: 13.31
You: It is 01.31 here.
Stranger: where
You: U.S.A.
Stranger: oh girl?
You: Sorry.
You: No.
Stranger: fucking USA
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
China needs to stop filtering their internet. These guys have a one-track mind.
I don’t think it is their internet filtering that is causing that. I think it is the manifestation of their one child rule. Chicks are hard to come by.
The only real conversation I had I started off with
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: If I get one more fucking ASL today someone’s getting a stick in the eye.
You: In. The. Eye.
Stranger: I think I love you, my prince charming
Stranger: I can only tell people I don’t speak American Sign Language so many times before it loses appeal.
We ended up having a long conversation about what life is (or will be like, in their case) like after college.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: you like diapers?
You: u ever expermient sexually with a sister brother or cousin?
Stanger: no
You: no opinion on diapers. u like them?
Stranger: yes i wear them but dont use them
Stranger: they feel nice
You: adult diapers or baby diapers?
Stranger: both but kid diapers dont fit well
You: could come in handy on a long flight
We ended up talking about how eating asparagus makes urine smell bad.
Here’s the entirety of one of my more amusing encounters;
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: free boob inspection …send a pic
You: oh good I’m due for a mammogram
Stranger: you are in luck madam
You: what makes you think I’m a madam?
You: lol
Stranger: oh …man boobs is it?
You: hell yeah, hormone imbalance
You: they’ve got hairs and everything
Stranger: dont waste the inspectors time
You: but I’m at risk of cancer tooooo!!!
Stranger: my business partner deals with the guys
You: oh well I suppose that’s ok then, where should I mail them to?
You: my email address is hotbreastedmale@hotmale.com
Stranger: mail to boob-R-us PO box B1G. T1T
Stranger: that was genius man
Stranger: lol
You: ok I’ll get them in the post right away, should I also send a picture of my syphilitic crotch to be on the safe side?
Stranger: nothing sounds safe about that…my friend
You: tell me about it, that’s the last French hooker I trust!
Stranger: im french
Stranger: how darez vous!
You: shut it cheese-eating surrender monkey!
Stranger: ze best lovers though
You: it’s called the ‘French disease’ anyway, so it’s your fault
Stranger: ve invented it
You: yeah just cause you’re bitter about us Brits trouncing Napoleon
Stranger: next time…next time
Stranger: we let you win
Stranger: you tea drinkers
You: pff you couldn’t fight you way out of a damp paper bag!
You: tea gives us cajones
Stranger: you are a nation of dog walkers
You: you are just a nation of wa*kers
Stranger: and you wear flared trousers
You: and you have stupid onions slung around your neck
You: and listen to bad europop, and have the most onanistic cinema in the world
Stranger: beckham…PAH!..CANTONAAAAAA!
You: touche
Stranger: merci
You: *but you stink of garlic
Stranger: you cant get around me with compliments
Stranger: but thanks
Stranger: stuff your channel tunnel
You: well you make rubbish cars and were useless in two world wars
Stranger: you cant play cricket
You: I’ve seen ITALIANS fight better!
Stranger: damn you
Stranger: thats too far
You: again touche on the cricket thing hangs head in shame at losing to Denmark
Stranger: you and your croquet
Stranger: thats french by the way
Stranger: you steal our words
You: oh yeah it’s not like boule is cool
You: you refuse to speak in English!
Stranger: boule sorts out the men from the boys
Stranger: je ne comprende pas
You: and make the European parliament move every other week! because you are compensating for your tiny saucicon!
Stranger: blackpool tower ppft…EIFFEL TOWER!
You: and your beef doesn’t even have BSE, how boring is that
You: jean paul satre… SHAKESPEARE
Stranger: lol
You: and we wouldn’t have that stupid advert if it wasn’t for you
Stranger: ?
Stranger: papa…nicole/
You: yeah that one too
Stranger: formula 1…elf renault
You: nicole can go hang
Stranger: the citroen dyane
You: Jensson Button GB
You: Hamilton GB
Stranger: rover is gone…ha ha!
You: it’s just moved to China
Stranger: vauxhall…gone!
Stranger: hoover…gone
You: they were rubbish anyway
You: DYSON!
Stranger: aww shit
Stranger: CHAVS
Stranger: underage mums
You: haha, you have inner city slums
Stranger: knife crime
You: you have fashion crime!
Stranger: council estates
Stranger: we make the best TV…eurotrash
You: how about the 600 protesters you drowned in the Seine!
Stranger: it was a good start
You: pff you don’t have Peep Show, or QI
Stranger: ok
Stranger: ill give you those
You: you have to listen to pretentious art critics on a Saturday night
Stranger: the…wait for it …wait for it!
Stranger: MILLENNIUM DOME!!!11
You: now the O2 ™!
You: and we get that wierdo Jackson playing here
Stranger: you cant polish a turd
You: you can’t polish a Frenchman
Stranger: or a Polishman
You: your women don’t shave under their arms
Stranger: hold on…i came here in search of tit
Stranger: how did this happen?
You: this is too much like fun
Stranger: true
You: you can google tits like the rest of us have to
Stranger: but i like les boobies
Stranger: tres bein
Stranger: bien
You: and the Americans hate you
You: we’re bff with them
Stranger: thank god for that
Stranger: they are crap too
You: yeah well good luck when Russia takes you over
Stranger: they call you limeys
You: we’ll be ok
Stranger: you are fodder
You: you’re French pig-dogs
Stranger: TOAST>>>ha!..FRENCH TOAST…yum
You: we are a valued member of the multinational force and not just human shields for the yanks
Stranger: keep on believing that my friend
Stranger: brainwashed
You: toast, you don’t even have marmalade!
Stranger: by tony and gordon
You: and no cream
Stranger: CHEESE
You: well you have a midget for a president
Stranger: petit filous
Stranger: slack jaw gordon
You: and your beer is like making love to a woman in a canoe
You: fuking close to water!
You: you wouldn’t no what adequately cooked meat was if it hit you in the face
Stranger: we invented the french letter
You: we invented the tank
Stranger: BOWLER HAT…BERET
Stranger: we look good in stripy t-shirts
You: stripy t-shirts make you look fat - the stripes GO THE WRONG WAY
Stranger: on english they look fat…because they are!
Stranger: lager louts
You: all your cyclists are doped up on drugs, they couldn’t play fair if their lives depended on it
Stranger: le pissheads
Stranger: oggie oggie oggie oi oi oi!
You: Zidane headbutted an opponent when pissed
You: that’s Australians you cultural degenerate!
Stranger: a brit spiked his perrier
You: perrier is like the French, gassy and tasteless
Stranger: ok ive been typing english…lets see you type french…mr culture
You: bien sur you pig!
Stranger: poor
Stranger: you fail
Stranger: typically
Stranger: tim henman
Stranger: HA!
You: taisez-vous vous-chien stupide!
You: Andy Murray
Stranger: nice variations there my ill educated friend
Stranger: dont come here you wouldnt survive
You: vous avez les moyens d’un singe
Stranger: did murry win
You: he won Queens
Stranger: stop googling my language
Stranger: he is a queen
Stranger: au revoir
Your conversational partner has disconnected
[…]
Stranger: i love wave running… and tennis… and friendsies… and um… yeah
You: wave running? never heard of that one before
Stranger: jet ski?
Stranger: sea doo
You: ok I think I can picture it
You: *insert tasteless joke about boxing day tsunami
Stranger: haha okay
Stranger: OH MY
Your conversational partner has disconnected
