I would only have admitted to the alcohol (but then I don’t do and never have done the other) and stressed - but not lectured on - the downsides of taking illegal drugs and the care required in drinking alcohol responsibly. The line about the youth developing is especially good, I think.
I would say that I do not do pot because it kind of a stupid drug. It just makes you sit around and act like a dumbass. I would say that cocaine is where it is at and that many successful people use/used cocaine and you can have a lot of fun doing cocaine and still get a lot done. However, he should wait until he is older before he does any drugs and that I think he should talk to his parents about this. I would also ask him some other questions to see if I think he has a drug problem and I would error of the side of telling his parents if I thought he did.
Another thing I point out to students that the ONLY crime they ask about on the FASFA (Federal college fiancial aid form) are drug offenses-- people can and do lose their college funding over misdemenor possession. This is a powerful motivator and something a suprising number of kids are not aware of.
On a personal level: As a teen I would rather have had an adult be honest with me than instantly give me a lecture on drugs. As a legal adult, able to buy my own booze, porn and lottery tickets in the US of A, the only vaguely nerve-wracking situations I’ve been in were when I’ve had people over who had been drinking, and someone whom I thought was 21+ informs me that they’re 18-19. I would like to know these things beforehand, thank you, so that I can judge if you’re going to be a dumbass when drunk. I haven’t gotten any accidental corruption-of-my-underage-classmates tickets yet, and I don’t want any.
On a more abstract level: There are a lot of things that are Scheduled in the US that I don’t think ought to be. If a teen asked me about something that’s fairy difficult to kill yourself with, such as pot or probably even LSD, I would remind them that if they get busted with it that’s their college money down the tubes, and driving while anything other than stone-cold sober and awake is an Extremely Bad Idea. If it’s something “harder” (i.e., easier to OD on or get yourself killed over possessing) like (meth)amphetamines, cocaine or serious opiates, that’s a different kettle of fish. Then, morally, I would consider the tone of the question–was it a kid asking about getting in trouble for a one-time thing that they’re unlikely to repeat, or a kid asking if it’s bad to be doing this weekly–and potentially inform their parents.
This was never an issue in my house. My mother, in a purely hypothetical manner, once explained to me how you do NOT make “magic brownies” by dumping your marijuana directly into the batter, unless you like the taste and texture of chocolate alfalfa. I was about 12. She’s also ventured the opinion that she feels gypped that she never got any free flashbacks from dropping acid. If she caught me with any reasonable harmless drugs, she would make sure I knew what they were and the correct dosages thereof, and probably ask if I’d share. Dad mostly stayed out of discussions like this; Dad has been a dork pretty much all of his life, and aside from some Wild Turkey now and again, is pretty straight-edge.
My mother was also the one that all of our friends knew would explain the dirty jokes that all kids pick up from “somewhere”, with a chalkboard and some medical diagrams if necessary. If this is not the sort of parent you want to be, you might want to take this sort of rep under consideration. 
16-year-olds are not 8; they’re 16. If they don’t get the info from adults, they’ll get it somewhere else, and “go ask your parents” doesn’t help. Clearly the kid didn’t trust his parents to be objective about this, or he would have gone to them. That he opened up to the parents’ friend speaks volumes about the kid’s trust in the friend, his vulnerability, his concern for doing the right thing and his general distrust of adults in positions of authority. That the friend was open and honest with him surely gives him a more positive view of adults, and makes him more likely to trust both the friend’s and other responsible adults’ advice.
As for option A (lying), you don’t think the kid’s ever heard “drugs is bad, don’t do 'em” before? What effect has it had so far? Would it accomplish anything for one more adult to tell him the same thing? Probably not, but it might just make him a less trusted figure in the kid’s eyes. Option B is a copout and is confusing at best, dismissive at worst.
As for telling the parents–if the kid is high-functioning, that can only make his family dynamic worse and the parents more paranoid. Which, I can tell you from both first- and second-hand experience, is much worse for your grades and overall functioning than pot.
I don’t know, dude, that’s a pretty black-and-white statement right there. And 16-year-olds are not “small children”. There was a time where 16-year-olds were trusted to conduct major surgery in Egypt. Famous composers have written their magnum opus around that age. 16-year-olds were once expected to start families and bring up children. The only reason we don’t ask those things of 16-year-olds anymore is because the average person in a modern developed society lives long enough that we can make surgeons, musicians, mothers and fathers wait to ply their trade until they’ve seen more of the world. People can and do make serious, complicated moral decisions at 16.
I first smoked pot at 16, and it was a very involved moral process. After it was first offered to me, I had to read a number of medical and scientific journal articles, case studies, etc. and do a lot of thinking before I accepted. I eventually concluded that the physiological and mental risks involved ranged from negligible to acceptable, that the people offering to get me high weren’t trying to hurt me, that the criminalization of marijuana might have had deeper motives than those offered by the anti-drug movement, and that it existed on a sliding scale of morality separate from the law. I didn’t get drunk, buy drugs or paraphernalia, or have sex until I was 17 and I gave each one just as much serious ethical thought.
Except that it’s based on what WhyNot noted (in another thread) amounts to a vague recollection of a study which other knowledgeable Dopers have expressed skepticism towards. While I don’t doubt that WhyNot has her kids’ best interest in mind, there’s still no scientific reason (that I’m aware of) for telling kids they’ll suffer brain damage from smoking pot.
I hope and pray that any adult AdoptaTeens ask about smoking pot and drinking will give them the straightest answer possible. If my child trusts them enough to lay themselves on the line and risk asking, I hope the are rewarded with the absolute truth. We’ve been open and honest about our experiences (mine are limited to alcohol, pot, cocaine and speed, AdoptaDad was a little more adventurous in his youth).
I would also hope that the person asked would throw a tidbit about the importance of balancing experimenting and/or recreational use vs. addictive behavior if at all possible to work into the conversation without resorting to anything related to a lecture mode. I would not want that adult to break my child’s confidence by telling me about their conversation UNLESS they felt that AdoptaTeen approached them as a cry for help rather than information. Even then, I would do what I could to protect that person’s breaking the confidence so that my kids would still view that person as a valuable/viable resource to go to if they needed help.
On the other hand, I can think of several parents that I know who would NOT want their kids to get a straight answer - instead to be fed the stock “don’t do that - it will fry your brain and you’ll be a vegetable” crap. Then again, those are the same parents who whine, bitch, and moan because their kids don’t talk to them about anything of importance.
Agree with those who think the guy did good. If this kid now feels he can trust him, he’ll likely go to him again if he ever encounters any problems with, you know, dangerous drugs (okay, okay, alcohol can kill).
(btw, who knew ubertalented folkster Andrew Bird was such a cokehead?)
Mmm, not quite. It’s inspired by that, sure, but more accurately, I feel that not enough research has been done on *any *psychoactive chemicals (prescription drugs, recreational drugs, plants, whathave you) on the growing brain for me to feel entirely comfortable with it. Seems like every month I read another study about how growing up depressed changes brain chemistry permanently, yet antidepressants have side effects in young people that they don’t in adults, and no one’s really sure how any of them are affecting long term dopamine production, seritonin reuptake, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I think mental health should be treated with medication when warranted and with informed consent…I just don’t think we know enough about using psychoactive drugs in kids to really *be *informed, you know? If your kid is sick, you use what you have and cross your fingers. But if your kid isn’t sick, why take the chance?
Your opinion on snitching is a separate issue but a 16 year old does not have the reasoning skills of an adult.
Drug use, whether its alcohol or something else, is the result of a need to escape from something. That is the lesson that should have been taught. Narking on the kid would depend on how messed up the adult thought the kid was.
By default, all kids do something stupid. If parents knew everything their kids did they would ground them for life. IMO, an adult should always point to the straightest course in situations like this and intervene if it looks like a quick trip off a cliff.
Man, that is an ignorant way to put it. I have done drugs, and I drink quite often. However, I also make sure that I do not do ANYTHING when I am in a bad mood. I don’t use them to escape, I use them because they are fun. I drink and do drugs for much the same reason that I play video games, or watch TV, or go and throw a football around with my friends. It is something that I enjoy doing. I don’t have any underlying psychological problems that cause me to drink or do drugs(at least not anymore, and I didn’t drink or do drugs at the time I was depressed.)
I agree with what he did. I hate the “War on Drugs” I know that I never believed any of that propaganda. I saw my friends doing drugs and it not affecting them, so I decided to try. I am definitely glad I did. Luckily for me, my parents were straight up with me. They told me that drinking and smoking pot won’t ruin my life, if I do it responsibly. I’ve had friends that didn’t use responsibly and the thing they had in common? Parents that constantly harped on the evils of marijuana. Never telling the truth about it.
Well, I would have answered the question honestly, as that guy did.
It doesn’t seem to be such a bad policy: the handful of 10-yo whom I had for catechesis about 15 years ago are now out of college; they still say hi with huge smiles when they see me. The last time one of them called me over as a “trustworthy authority” to referee on an argument with his friends was when they were in their late teens.
I happened to be the only adult who would tell them “who that Hitler guy was” beyond “you’ll find out when you’re older” (this was at the time when the fake diaries had been “found”, so Hitler was metioned on the news every day). None of them ever became a skinhead 
Excellent defense, and some good points. I think this is a question of mileage varying. To me, the health benefits (decreased risk of lung cancer and emphysema; symptomatic prevention/treatment of anorexia/bulimia, nausea, depression, etc.) and the social benefits (which themselves can lead to increased self-esteem and a fully internalized system of morality, which Maslow considered an essential part of self-actualization) of responsible use–not to mention the sheer fun, which is undervalued these days–outweigh the known negative effects. For you, the possibility of long-term negative effects of induced perception alteration is enough that you would discourage experimentation up to age 22. Tomato, tomato.
That changed very recently. The drug offense rule has been eased up and they only ask about felony drug convictions, which are damn hard to get (in this state, at least!); also, fraudulent military enlistment shared verboten status on the FAFSA for a short time (a small handful of years IIRC).
I’m with Andrew Bird about coke, BTW. The majority of people I’ve known who have used cocaine–myself included–only ever took it as an enhancement drug, and for the most part it didn’t cause them problems. People who smoke pot but don’t “do drugs” will tell you that cocaine is the most horrible thing out there and sometimes cite family members they knew who abused it; but those in the know recognize that, like weed, only takes over your life if you let it. The only person I can think of who suffered truly serious consequences from coke use was an addict and a dealer. After the wake-up call of getting kicked out of school and one generous friend’s house after another, he kicked the habit and is now very high-functioning. He runs a small business that doesn’t have much renown but is sufficient to fund his and his girlfriend’s share of a nice three-bedroom apartment in the city, feed their and their roommate’s taste for grass with enough left over to get their friends high every night, and support his addiction to high-end computers and collector swords. Two of my other friends claim to have been addicted to coke when they were dating each other and having threesomes with him, but I’m doubtful–their usage was pretty low-end considering that they lived with a big-time dealer, and if it caused them problems it was a drop in the bucket compared to their other issues.
I forgot to mention before what I would tell them if they asked about my own usage. I tried pot twice and had problems both times. The first time I was 21 or 22 and had been drinking with friends (it was a party at a friends house) and decided to try it with them. I ended up laying on the floor, unable to move. I could talk and knew what was going around me but couldn’t move. It was one of most frightening experiences of my life. A year or so after that I thought I’d try again when I wasn’t drinking. I was okay for about 20 minutes and then lost control of my leg muscles and couldn’t stand on my own for a while. It seems to physically affect me in negative ways so I wouldn’t use even if it were legal. My boyfriend wouldn’t either, he says the couple of times he tried it he really didn’t feel anything except tired so he would consider it a waste of time and money.
I would have said that I have experience, without going into detail if the experience is past or current. You can have privacy without lying. As for my own kids*, I have never lied to them about it: A few drugs are harmless; a few will ruin your life; most are somewhere in between and make good servants and bad masters; and whether a drug is legal has nothing to do with how dangerous it is.
God is Truth, y’know.
*Although the Demitasse is only 2 and hasn’t mentioned it yet.
P.S.: YumemiSama, your mom is dreamy. ::Sigh::
I hope you make it to the bathroom and don’t puke on the floor.
That’s a pretty broad statement there. I know plenty of 16-year-olds who are plenty capable of reasoning and plenty of 50-year-olds who haven’t the common sense of a baby. I think it’s a matter of individuals; some people mature at 12, some never do. People are unfortunately unpredictable. I know that I, personally, when I was 16, was doing the majority of taking care of the house, including cleaning, grocery shopping, preparing meals, and making sure my younger sister got her homework done. I think I did a pretty good job.
Man, I never do this, but do you have something to back that up? Something NOT War On Drugs sponsored? Because I’ve tried a few drugs in my time and I never did any of them when I felt I needed to escape. When I needed to escape I did things like get into fights. I’m not saying that your statement isn’t true for some people, but I highly doubt that it’s solid fact, or even the norm.
That said, I believe that the adult in question did the right thing. They have the kid’s confidences now; they, being a sometimes smoker, know the general limits and will be able to tell if the kid is doing something wrong, and when to let them know what’s up and alert authorities or parents.
We had a similar situation happen a while back. My uncle and his family recently moved to the town we live in. My uncle knows that my husband and I occasionally smoke pot, and he knows that my parents do to. He has let us know that he doesn’t really want his son, my cousin, smoking pot because he got busted for it in California.
Son is about to turn 16. I told him that while I respect his father’s wishes on him not smoking pot, and will never give it to him or even point him in the right direction, if he’s ALREADY HIGH, he needs to get somewhere like my house or my parents house, pronto - he can call any of us at any time of the day or night and we’ll be there in an instant to pick him up. 1, I don’t want him running around town high - it can be dangerous - and 2, why ruin a good high by going home and getting yelled at?
But mostly it’s because, you know, I want him safe. I adore my cousin. I do not want him to get high (and he will if he wants to - people seem to think that they can prevent teens from doing what they want and they’re flat-out wrong), but if he is going to get high, I’m going to provide a safe environment for him to do so. I would much rather him be high playing video games in my living room than high driving, high having sex, or high doing any number of stupid things kids can do. I think THAT is a much safer than just saying “Don’t do it.”
~Tasha
…not necessarily. Although I appreciated the honesty when I was younger, and knowing that drugs can have a range of effects that they don’t talk about in programs where the main idea is “Don’t do drugs! You’ll DIE!”, she also seemed to think that being honest with me also entitled her to hang with me. Not so cool when you’re a teenager, or a college kid home for the summer.
I actually think kids need more responsible answers like the OP. If an adult that seems to have a pretty good handle on life says ‘pot won’t kill you, BUT you need to make sure you use responsibly and in moderation’ I think they’re more likely to respect that than if someone who swears blind they NEVER used drugs pretends to talk knowledgably about the nasty effects. If you want to know what skidiving is like, you ask someone who’s actually gone – and if you want to know how it can go wrong, you ask someone who’s been around it long enough to have seen accidents happen.
Thanks, everyone, for the very thoughtful responses!
I thought I should provide some “closure”…although this incident just came to light, it actually happened a couple years ago. Kid is still regarded as unbelievably well-adjusted by everyone he knows and is headed for an Ivy League school in the fall. So it would seem he wasn’t too badly scarred…