A little social get together recently took a turn for the unpleasant when people got into a very heated argument about this topic…I was wondering what, uh, Dopers think about this.
Scenario: A 30-something guy treated the 16 year old son of a friend to a baseball game. This kid is an A student who has never been in a bit of trouble or had any behavioral problems. After asking if he can tell him something in confidence, the kid tells adult that he has been experimenting with pot and alcohol and asks if adult has any experience with this and if he thinks it is OK.
Flustered adult decides to go with “honesty is the best policy” and says something along the lines of “Yes, I smoke pot now and again, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with doing it in moderation. On the other hand, it can definitely distract people from taking care of the business they need to attend to, and at your age, while you’re still developing socially and intellectually, I would exercise extreme caution.”
While I’ll answer any question my kids ask honestly and openly, I’d be hesitant to do so with other peoples’ kids. At least before I checked with the parents.
Unless the parents are completely off the wall, I defer greatly to parents’ right to fuck up their kids however they see fit!
I would have said exactly what he did, and later I would have told the kid’s parents - not what the kid confided in me, because that was a confidence - but that the kid asked me about my own use and thoughts and that I was honest. I think he’s absolutely right on all counts - that moderation is key and that kids need other non-parental adults they know won’t bullshit them.
Any of my friends that my kid hangs out with would do the same for me if it was my kid, and they already know any of their kids will get such an answer from me - we’ve already talked about it. (And the friend I purchase my supplies from is under strict orders not to sell to my kid - if he wants to get it, he’ll have to work for it, dammit!)
As the parent, when I hear my kid asked about it, that would tell me it was time to have yet another non-judgmental dinner table conversation about drugs and what I think about them, which is still pretty much the same thing - teens are best off avoiding them as we don’t know if they mess up adolescents’ brain chemistry or development, and that some adults can keep it moderate and recreational and some can’t - just like alcohol, gambling, shopping and sex. Those who can’t keep it moderate are best off abstaining. You know you have a problem when you can’t go to class, keep a job or a relationship.
Honestly, being a frequent poster helps me a lot - I can bring up a lot of “hypotheticals” that I “read on the board” (even if I didn’t) instead of pointing fingers at my kid.
B mixed with C. I would let them know that they really should talk to their parents and that I would need to if they didn’t. I do not believe in keeping illegal behavior secret from a parent. Any conversation I had with a minor would be qualified by the fact that I wouldn’t keep things from their parents anyway, so chances are they wouldn’t tell me.
If one of my friends kids asked me, I’d first feel kind of glad that they trust me that much, and then repay that trust by not bullshitting them. I don’t like pot (as in “I didn’t enjoy the high”, not that I think it’s bad) but I’d not go all condescending on them. I’m not sure how I’d handle it after, narcing 'em out to the folks or what, but I’d certainly feel some responsibility after that.
16, imho, is old enough to get some straight answers from adults while a 14 year old in the same situation would probably cause me to react quite differently.
I would say that sex and drugs are things you should never talk about with someone else’s child. Tell them to talk with their parents or a counselor at school. A caveat to that is if you think the child is being harmed, but it should border on something being illegal for you to step in.
Who knows what cultural or religious traditions the parents are trying to instill in their children. Maybe in an abstract sense drinking alcohol once in a while is no big deal, but child is being raised by parents with certain beliefs. Unless the child is being harmed, you have no right to subvert that.
In addition, the ability to see moral issues in shades of grey is something that develops later in life. Small children only know right and wrong. Doing drugs is wrong more because it’s illegal than it’s immoral. A child may not understand the distinction.
Wow, a buncha narcs on this boards. I think a sixteen year old kid is old enough to make their own decisions about alcohol and pot. Heroin, maybe not, but this is normal teenager stuff. The fact that the kid cared enough to ask an adult about it shows he’s pretty responsible already. I think snitching on him would do nothing but cause a lot of problems.
In this situation I feel that it was reasonable to respond to the question without flat out lying but I do not completely agree with the response given. Discussing current illegal drug use with a minor is generally a bad idea. Talking about your own teenaged experience with marijuana and alcohol is a different story.
In my opinion that is the worst answer you can give. You might as well tell the kid nothing. Teenagers already get the stupid, illegal, irresponsible speech from school. If they are going through the trouble to ask someone’s opinion then they want a useful answer. Teenagers come to adults who are not their parents in order to get advice not lectures.
I don’t think there was anything wrong with the adult told the kid; however I agree with Antinor that this is something the parents need to be made aware of, ideally from the kid himself, but from the adult if necessary.
I think what the dude actually said was a pretty good answer. Sometimes teenagers need to seek information from someone who isn’t a parent. Narks R not Kewl.
Also, I’d ask him if he had any on him. I might have to confiscate it.
I think what the guy said to the teen was fine. Although I agree with Dinsdale about letting other people fuck up their own children. Kids are going to smoke pot and get drunk just like we did when we were there age. Knowledge about the subject is about the only thing that can truly save them in the long run.
My husband’s niece, who was fifteen or sixteen at the time, told me once that she had smoked pot with a friend who was about 20 while her parents were out of town and she was staying with another member of the family. She talked about how she got “so high” and how it was “so much fun.” I didn’t know what to do with the information. She had asked me to keep it between us so I told her that I wouldn’t outright tell on her but that, if the subject ever came up, I wouldn’t be able to lie. I didn’t admit to her that I smoked occasionally, but I casually advised her that she should really think about learning what reality was before she started doing things that might distort it. That was it.
Then, I was talking to my brother-in-law (not the niece’s dad) one day a long time later, and I mentioned that conversation within the context of “how would you have handled this?” He didn’t seem too concerned with it, so it never occurred to me that the info would go any further. Somehow, shit got stirred up, and it got back to the girl that I had “told on her.” I guess I did, but it really wasn’t my intention to expose her or to get her in trouble, honestly. I would’ve preferred to have kept that line of communication open. Anyway, she told her mother that she was upset with me because I had broken her confidence. She, of course, didn’t tell her mother that the broken confidence was that she had gotten high with some college-age people when she was a sophomore in high school. The next thing I knew, my sister-in-law, the niece’s mother, was in my face yelling at me that I had failed to keep private something that was entrusted to me by her daughter.
Since then, the niece doesn’t talk to me about anything but the latest fashions and whatever book she’s reading. I don’t talk to my sister-in-law about anything but the latest coffee creamer flavor and jewelry. When I married the girl’s uncle, she thought I was really cool because I’m only about 12 years older than she is. Once I approached my 30s, I guess I suddenly became just like All The Other Adults…not to be trusted with sensitive (cool) information.
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have learned anything from that situation other than either (a) don’t “break the confidence” of teenagers whose parents won’t hesitate to get up in your face without all the facts, or (b) let whatever a teenager tells you go in one ear and out the other.
I personally think the kid is old enough to hear the truth. He’s going to get it anyway, now is the time to be honest and open about it. That said ultimately my relationship with the kids parents would determine what I would say.
Or it could mean he’s in way, way over his head and doesn’t know who to turn to.
As a teacher, and as the sort of teacher that kids talk to, I deal with this issue a LOT. I probably hear 4-5 different kids a DAY say something that at least implies they or someone else smokes pot/drinks/is engaging in sexual activity. I don’t go tell their parents, not least because I figure an awful lot of what they are saying is bullshit and that the worst offenders are likely the ones saying the least. There’s nothing to be gained from calling uzie’s mom to tell her Jeff said Suzie was at Gennie’s toga party and there were jello shots. On the other hand, I don’t keep things secret, either–if they talk about how there was a crazy toga party at Gennie’s is front of me and then someone’s mom asks if I heard about such a thing, I am not going to cover it up.
As far as my own past goes–I don’t hide from the kids the fact that I drink. It’s legal, after all, and I do drink responsibly. So if I am telling a story and it involves a margarita, I don’t change the story to make it a lemonade. I don’t currently engage in any sort of illegal drugs, so that’s easy. Where I run into a problem is in past drug use. I was never a pothead, but I hung out with a lot of stoners. I don’t exand on that in a wide public setting, but I have had frank conversations with kids about the dangers of drugs, and I will use old friends of mine as examples. I don’t, actually, talk as much about the ones that did drugs and went on to be fine. And I sometimes reveal more than I mean to in my speech: the other day I wanted to know if a student was done with a bottle of water so that I could throw it away. I asked him “Hey, is this cashed?” He looked at me and said “What did you just ask?” I got all wide eyes and replied “Why would it mean anything?”
I guess I should qualify my previous statement. Basically, there can be so many variables in such a situation, it is difficult to give a general answer.
Yes, as a general rule I would like my good friends and family to speak freely with my kids. But I’d really have to consider my relationship with the kid’s parents before I went too far into too sensitive areas.
Most of my close friends and some of my family would not be upset if I said something along the lines of what the OP said. I certainly would not mind if someone said the same to my kids. I have said similar things myself.
But I am friendly with many other people and have family members who - uh - differ substantially with me on matters such as substance use, religion, politics. And I would want to consider whether my talking with the kid would affect my relations with their parents. As much as I might like the kid to benefit from my experience and mistakes, I’m not sure I’d want to handle any fall out should the kid blurt out to his/her dad, “Well, Uncle Dinsdale says sex and drugs are just fine as long as done in moderation and with responsible precautions, and BTW there is no God.”
Also, my relationship with the parents would dictate whether or not I told them about the conversation. As a general rule, I will readily respect a kid’s privacy concerning a conversation. If I was uncomfortable answering a question, I might say, “That’s really something you should talk with your parents about.” I’d probably tell the parent only if I either thought the kid was in a dangerous situation that the parents should know about, or if I thought the kid’s question showed a need for better communication between them and their parent, and I could try to encourage that.
As a parent myself, I think there is a fine line where you must respect another parent’s right to exercise their duty as they see fit, even if you disagree with their choices, so long as they are not so far outside societal norms that they are actually harming the kid.
I disagree with this. Parents are responsible for the safety of their children, they are not the owners of their children. At this age (teenage years), young people are trying to discover themselves as individuals (not that many older people still aren’t), and deserve the truth about these sorts of things lest they form greatly distorted impressions of their reality, ultimately acting on those distorted impressions and likely hurting themselves or others.
I think the guy handled it very well. Generally speaking, intelligent kids are going to be curious and are likely to experiment with drugs. When I was that age, it was a great confidence to share something like that with an adult. It would do far more damage to go to the kids parents with what the kid told him in confidence. Not only that, but kids know far, far more than you think they do about what goes on around them. The kid probably knows or has some idea that some of the adults he’s acquainted with drink or use drugs. Lying to a teenager when they know it’s a lie only breeds secrecy and resentment.
The only thing I would do differently is maybe add that intelligent people experiment with such things and then grow up and move on, while those who are not smart enough to distinguish use from abuse end up addicts and losers.
