With the next issue of Teemings we will be introducing a new columnist.
Manda Jo has given so much advice here on the board and has been lauded for it so often that the idea was brought up that she should have her own advice column. Therefore, with the next issue, she will be offerring her advice and insight in Teemings on a bi-monthly basis.
Naturally, in order for her to give her sagely wisdom, she’ll need questions to answer. That’s where you come in.
She won’t be getting into specific situations and we’re going to try to keep it as general as possible. What we’re looking for in your questions (which I know there are myriad of out there) are : 1) length (short questions are obviously best), 2) general applicability and 3) the opportunity to give unexpected but explainable advice.
Please send your questions to me at Eutychus55@att.net and I will forward them onto her for her consideration. Please note that letters may be edited for grammar and conciseness.
This could be a lot of fun, and I think it’s going to be an excellent addition to the 'zine.
The problem, clearly, is that your editor is regarding you as the least important thing in his email box, and just deletes you out of hand. This is a little dishonest, but what I would do is “lure him in” with a catchy subject line. For example, try “TEEN SLUTS WITH BASEBALL BATS” or “YOUR WOMEN HATE YOUR TINY LITTLE PENIS, WE CAN FIX THAT!” If you suspect your editor has finacial problmes (and who doesn’t), you might want to try “REFINANCE YOUR MORGAGE WITH HELP FROM NIGERIA”. Also, your editor is clearly ignoring you, so start sending him these emails from a new email address, one he dosen’t accociate with you–I’d try to get licksucksluts45655575@yahoo, if some other genius hasn’t gotten it already.
Washed-up–in-Kansas:
Well, you only need one break. What I would do is:
Find a reputable caterer with an easily recognizeable van.
Camp putside their garage and follow the van whenever it goes to a party.
Wait a few hours after the caterer goes in, then stride in yourself, suave and confident, reassuring everryone “I’m the entertainment!”
Stride to the senter of the room and begin your spiel. Someday, there will be a hot Hollywood producer in the audience, and then bang, you’ve got a lucrative stand up carreer.
(You may want to quickly acertain if this is a wedding, a bar mitzvah, or the banquet of some sort of orginization, and tailor your jokes to your audience–for example, tell the one about the three hilbilly brothers and their beutiful sister at rual southern weddings–they are the only ones who get the context and can appriciate the humor. And if you discover the group you are preforming for is of an ethnicity or skin color different from your own, make sure you use lots of “their” slang, to show them that you are “one of them”)
I have a crush on a moderator on a certain internet message board dedicated to fighting ignorance that I’d rather not mention. Actually, I have a crush on all of them.
What would be the best way for me to ask them if they would join me in an orgy in a giant vat of Crisco? How can I make sure they will all participate with the requisite enthusiasm (including the board leader, a reclusive, near-mythical, hyper-intelligent newspaper columnist)?
So where does this leave you? Pretty much out of the running as for the possibility of getting your grease on. Don’t lose hope however! The Master admitted he’d be open to reproduction if it involved shrink wrap. So my advice to you is to come up with a way to get the lady mods to agree to utilize shrink wrap in a way which would entice Unca Cecil and you’ve got the start of your orgy. Persuading the ladies to do such a thing shouldn’t be hard, after all, who wouldn’t want to be the conduit through which the Perfect Master reproduces? I imagine TubaDiva, Gaudere, Lynn Bodini, and all our lovely female mods would be willing to embrace shrink wrap if it gave them the chance to embrace the Perfect Master as well. Getting the guys involved? Well, just tell them the ladies will be there and watch the prices of airline seats skyrocket.