My teenage sons are now out of the house. HOWEVER, when they did live at home, they frequently had their friends at my house for extended periods of time. I know that one of the kids drank frequently and was underage. I did tell his parents because I knew them quite well and felt comfortable discussing it with them. On the whole though I wonder what the majority of the people would do. So here is the situation.
16 year old son has friend who drinks. Not in your home but arrives smelling of liquor and is clearly intoxicated. Besides make your point of view clear, do you ask him to leave? Call his parents? Or, put him to bed and let him sleep it off and deal with him yourself in the morning?
I would take him home as-is to his parents. If this is not possible, I would do so as soon as possible and let them know the reasons why. That is what I would hope any of my kids’ friends’ parents would do. Sixteen-year-olds do not have the right to privacy in these matters.
Hmm … I don’t know a lot of teenagers that say “Man, I’d love to drink but I will wait until I’m legally of age.”
That’s not to say that they should be allowed to drink uncontrollably, just that they do, and it isn’t necessarily a big problem.
Important considerations:
is he driving?
is he a danger to himself or others?
does he drink excessively - too frequently, too much quantity, can’t have fun without it, etc
If not, I see no harm in it. I know that I drank as a teenager and nothing came of it except I learned that drunks aren’t all that fun, and that drinking too much can make you really sick. So, in answer to your questions (assuming the answers to the questions above are in the negative) :
No, I don’t ask him to leave. I treat him as I would any other drunk person - ask him to leave if he gets obnoxious, take away his car keys, ignore his clumsy attempts at drunken conversation, maybe cluck disapprovingly in his direction, make sure he doesn’t drink to excess.
No, I don’t call his parents. I’m no rat. What would that accomplish, except pissing off the drunk teenager, embarass (and probably also piss off) my own kid, and meddle in another family’s affairs?
Putting him to bed is a great idea. Don’t know exactly what you mean by “deal with him yourself in the morning” - if he’s like other sixteen-year-olds I’ve known, he’ll be plenty penitent the next morning as is.
Important considerations:
*Are you willing to deal with the parents after they find out you knew their child was drinking, didn’t inform them, and now he has injured or killed someone with a car?
*Are you willing to do the jail time for contributing to the delinquency of a minor?
*Do you have enough money to cover the lawsuit that might come your way because you didn’t want to be a “rat”?
The lack of consequence to inappropriate or illegal actions is all too well documented. “Piss off your own kid”? Are you serious? “Cluck disapprovingly”? Is that a joke or are you actually that stupid?
Twenty or thirty years ago, just keeping an eye on the teenager to keep him from getting in trouble would have been a good answer. However, in these days of increased perception of liability, you are almost REQUIRED to inform the parents and the authorities.
Why? If you don’t, then you will be an accessory to the act. You will be open to a civil lawsuit and possible criminal charges if anyone else finds out the kid is drunk and you did not report this to someone in Authority.
I personally think that the tolerance meter for society has swung from the permissive side to the oppressive side. Fear will do that.
Having just recently gone through the funeral of two teenage relatives who were killed in an accident involving alcohol, and having lost my first boyfriend, aged 17 to a drunk driver, I would make my answer a vehement YES!
Drag their ass to their parent’s house, and if the parents can’t be bothered to take an interest, drop them off at the police station and let them fend for themselves.
Call the parents, have them come pick him up, or offer to take him home (offer to the parents, not the kid).
I personally would ask the kid directly if he was drunk and would tell him what I was doing.
“hey man, I can’t have you being drunk at my house, I think your parents should know, I’m calling them to come pick you up.”
The most important thing is that you’re sending a clear message about what is and is not allowed in your house.
If you’re of the opinion that you’re providing a safe space for the lad to sleep it off rather than him being in potentially dangerous situations on the streets, you still need to talk to his parents and have it understood that you’ll do this and keep them informed.
Yup. You have to tell. It’s not tattling if he brings it on himself. As a former teenager, it would have pissed me off if my mom went and told on my friends. I didn’t have any friends who behaved in that manner, but if I had I certainly wouldn’t have brought them home to my mother!
Bottom line: They have to know that what they are doing is frowned upon by society and that any adult is going to probably tell their parents. They screwed up and were caught so it’s time for them to learn a lesson.
Er, that was kinda incoherent. What I mean to say is that as a parent it is your responsibility to monitor the things that happen in your home reguardless of what your children may think of it.
My daughter had a friend (underage) that came to the house drunk. She gave her permission to barf at the toilet and then put her to bed to sleep it off. The girl didn’t live at home. She lived with whatever friend let her stay with them at the time. So there was no one to tell about her drinking. I did tell her that she will not be allowed in my house again if she has been drinking.
Blimey, in UK you are considered adult enough at 16 to be responsible for your own drinking. That said, definitely take any car keys away, and drive the sop home immediately if you can.
In response to Bippy’s post and others, I think my response would be different if we were to put legal responsibility on the teenager for their actions, but unfortunately the parents are ultimately legally accountable.
Much as I share your loss, the fact that the kid might drive is not a good reason to try and stop this behavior any more than it is a good reason to prohibit an adult from drinking.
The kid should, on the other hand, have had enough respect for your home not to be drinking there, and you would certainly be justified in telling him so. Also, I would definitely take away his keys, or drive him home myself if he refused to give them to you.
I have to respectfully disagree. You can’t compare teenage drinking to adult drinking because in the end, the teenager will never be fully liable for his own actions, legally speaking. Therein lies the crux of the situation, in my mind. Regardless of the moral accountability if you are an adult with knowledge of illegal behavior of this sort (especially when there’s driving involved) there is not only a moral obligation but a lega obligation as well to make sure that the parents are notified and proper action is taken.
Tell the parents if his drunken behavior is causing a problem, or if you’re afraid of being charged for a crime, but if he’s just having a good time, who cares? Teenage drinking is no big deal. You don’t need to cause trouble for him just to make a point.
Hm. My father was one of the reasons I started drinking at a young age. Things were very bad back then, and if a parent would have told him, things would have been that much worse. However, if they had told my Mom, things may have changed for the better.
I guess, if this were my situation, I would find out the background of the teen first. Hopefully, if it were a friend of my child’s, then I would know already. And, using discretion, I would tell perhaps the parent that would take care of the situation without making things worse for the child.
I’ve had pause to wonder about this of late. I live in a duplex that shares a courtyard with a large house that is subdivided in to five apartments. Last summer the other half of the duplex and the two closest apartments were rented by several college freshmen (two girls in the other half of my place and the rest guys who are friends of the girls).
They’re college kids, right? Lots of beer cans and bottles appear in the courtyard and the trash. I’ve gotten to know them somewhat, and they’ve invited me to a few parties. I’ve attended, mostly to be neighborly. And this group of mostly 18-20 year olds has had liquor flowing freely at the few parties I’ve been to (i.e., college parties are just like they were 30 years ago).
It has occurred to me that if something were to go awry, being the only adult on the premises might not be a good thing. So I’ve been politely keeping my distance of late. As far as their drinking goes, I doubt that there’s much influence I can have outside of, as I have, bitchin’ at 'em to not drive. I haven’t noticed that many cars, even when they draw 60 or so partyers, but we live across the street from the University, so I think most of 'em walk over from the dorms.