Telephone Solicitors: The Revenge of the Called!

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve been getting tons of phone-spam in the last few weeks from real estate creatures. I’m on every no-call list offered by the phone-company (and other orginaztion’s No-Call list), I have an unlisted number and I never give it out to strangers. And I have a weird work shift from time-to-time, so my patience with these vermin is zero.

I don’t know how I’ve suddenly gotten on these real-estate lists, but the other night, I found the perfect technique for dealing with them. I’ve had literally 2 dozen or so from different real-estate agencies and the other night I finally snapped and came up with this. Use it wisely, my friends:

The scene: I’m getting ready for bed. The phone rings.

Me “Hello?”

< ungodly perky voice >: “Hi Fenris! :slight_smile: This is Miffy! :)”

Me (I know no-one named “Miffy”) : “What’s this call regarding?”

Miffy: ":slight_smile: How are YOU doing this evening, Fenris? :slight_smile: "

Me (I’m already pissed, and getting madder by the second): "What is this call about?:

Miffy: " :slight_smile: I’m with :)Red-Jacket Real-Estate:) Are you planning to sell your house :slight_smile: in the near-future? :slight_smile: "

Me (Furious, impulsively deciding it’s time for some guerilla theater): “Goddammit! I am fucking sick-and-tired of you goddamn hate-filled, bigoted bastards trying to get me to move! The anonymous letters didn’t do it, the rocks through the window didn’t do it, the garbage on my lawn didn’t do it and now you’re trying to bribe me to move out?! I am an AMERICAN, I have the fucking right to live whereEVER the hell I want!”

Miffy: " I…I…that’s not…:frowning: "

Me: “Listen and listen good: you tell your goddamned gang of thugs to leave me the fuck alone. There are orginizations designed to deal with people like you. Next time, I’m tracing the fucking call and I’m gonna have you up on harrassment charges so quick your head’ll spin. What the hell did I ever do to you, anyway? You hate people like me for a reason, or do you just hate indescriminatly?”

Miffy: "I’m SOOOORRRRY! :frowning: I…I’mmmm…I didn’t mean to… :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: "

Me: “Yeah. Well. Maybe next time you pull a stunt like this you’ll think twice. Now leave me the hell alone!”

Slams down phone.

This technique seems so good that there’s gotta be a catch. I’m sure that there’s some reason (outside of the fact that I upset Miffy, which I consider both moral, ethical and sensible) that this technique shouldn’t be used. And yet…

And yet, it’s so perfect:

  1. Miffy is upset and hopefully bothered by this call. Enough more of them and she’ll quit and get a morally decent job, rather than taking money to harrass people. Added benefit: the more Miffys that quit, the higher the turnover rate and Miffy’s vile bosses will have to do that much more training and recruiting, thus adding (however marginally) to their overhead.

  2. There’s no WAY I’m gonna get a call-back from Miffy or her Evil Bosses: while I didn’t say why “they” wanted me to move, the implication was clearly race, sexual orientation or religion. No business wants to get mixed up in a situation like that.

  3. Given #2, there’s every chance that they won’t call my neighbors either, since now they’re unsure as to what the hell’s going on in my neighborhood, thus I may have saved my neighbors some phone-harassment.

  4. Except for the bit about the rocks through the window, the letters, etc. I didn’t even lie. Every single word is true regarding phone-solicitors. I need to fix that line. Maybe something like “How may times are you people gonna call me trying to get me to move? I told you: I’m not gonna move, even if you don’t like me or my beliefs. The constant phone calls aren’t gonna do it!”

I’m fully intending to continue this technique for other phone-harrassers, unless someone can point me towards a reason I shouldn’t (outside of the specious argument that I’m upsetting Miffy and her ilk)

Fenris, chortling

2

Here in New York State, there’s a new law allowing you to be removed from any telemarketing list. If the telemarketer calls you again after you requested to be removed from the list, the telemarketer is breaking the law.

But it’s still nice to piss off those annoying telemarketers…
Jerry Seinfeld recommends asking the telemarketer for his/her home phone number.

P.S. You should have a piece of paper next to your phone with some nice telemarketer slams written on it. And a lot of those slams work on Jehova’s Witnesses too. :slight_smile:

3

Jelly, that’s a federal law too. Just FYI.

4

This is a good one for phone companies. It’s quick, and i like to think about the look on the telemarketers’ face:

Megatelco: Hello, Mr. Scribe, are you happy with your long distance service?

Me: Oh, thanks, but I don’t have a phone. (click)

5

There’s a nice free program out there called Enigma that walks you through a list of questions for telemarketers that they have to answer. It then creates a list of telemarketers that have called you so that, at a glance, you can see if they’ve called you before and are now violating federal law by contacting you again. Very handy to have these records, should you decide to file a lawsuit against them.

6

I disagree here. The bit about the phonecalls, rocks, and garbage is what makes it sound like some sort of race/religion/orientation thing. Take that out, and it no longer sounds like a hate crime situation.

7

ROTFLMAO!

8

Aren’t you Jewish Fenris? Threaten to call the Anti-Defamation League.

Then again maybe that’s none of their business (your religious preference I mean).

Ask where they got your number. This happened to me right before I got married. My fiancee then, now wife, got a brides magazine and filled out all the cards for free catalogs. Big mistake. Constant calls, worse, they called during Buffy constantly. Anyway, finally one day I snapped a little:

Tele-market-bitch: “Hello, I was wondering if you had chosen a photographer for your wedding yet”

Me: “Where did you get this number from?”

Tele-market-bitch: “A friend or family member.”

My face turns really red with fury.

Me [yelling]: “Well that’s a fucking lie, because my friends and family know that I’m getting married in Vegas and don’t need a fucking photographer!” Hung up.

(The part about Vegas was true BTW)

I never got another call, so they all obviously got it from the same place.

I’ve also attempted to sell them Tupperware. That didn’t work, because I got him laughing, which made him human and made it hard for me to stay pissed.

9

Exactly my thought: I don’t want to give them more information than they already have.

10

I’m very proud of you for having the guts to yell at a person who isn’t expecting it over the phone. When will you make the next step, up to yelling at someone to their face?

11

This always happens to me - not the wedding part, but the “oh, but YOU contacted US first!”

I am a college student living in an apartment payed for by my parents. My gas and phone bill are payed for by my parents too. Because my dad’s name is on all the bills, I often get calls for him:

Sneeze: Hello?

TeleMarketer: Hi, can I please speak to Mr. … Schnozzle?

Sneeze: Mr. Sneeze?

TM: Yes, that’s it.

Sneeze: Whatever it is you are selling he is not interested.

TM: Well, he signed up for our super new Diamond Credit Card, and he gave us this number and-

Sneeze: No, he didnt.

TM: Yes, he did, but if he’s not home I can just as easily speak to you. This new credit card -

Sneeze: No. He wouldnt have given you this number because this isnt his house.

TM: Ma’am, I assure you that he gave us this phone number

Sneeze: And I assure you that you are full of something brown and stinky. Put me on your do not call list, haveanicedaygoodbye.
Even weirder, once I got a call from someone posing as a telemarketer - they didnt start off with the normal sales pitch (“Hi, I’m calling with the Division of the Fraternal Order of Brotherhood of the Pastry Chefs of AT&T and am just calling to tell you about a special offer we have going right now…”) but just asked to speak to Mr. Schneizle, or something (our last name isnt that hard to pronounce, but people get it wrong anyway) and then, when I say he doesnt live here, they were like “well, I just need to verify his social security number, so if you could just read that to me over the phone we’ll be all set.”

SURE. RIGHT. Why dont I just give you his credit card number, date of birth and a spare set of keys to the house?
Anyway, sorry for the hijack - I just had a phone call where the telemarketer tried to convince me that no, I dont really know what I want (i.e., his ISP) when it comes to internet connections, so sympathize. Great tactic, by the way, but I dont think I have an angry enough voice to pull it off, as a regularly sound like a squirrel who has been breathing helium.

love
Sneeze

12

As opposed to sniping at them on a message board?

13

When my sister and her hubby were first married, they didn’t have a phone. So I gave them permission to give our number out till they got their own–no problem. A few years later they moved, then moved back, so they needed to use my number again–still no problem. They got their phone and life went on. The problems arose when I kept getting calls for them from people who refused to identify themselves and wanted me to give out my sister’s number. In reply to my questions, they would say something like, “This is Fred–could you tell me how to get in touch with Mr. J. Smith?” I’d try to get them to tell me who they represented (“Fred who?”)and they would flatly refuse.

My solution was surprisingly easy. I began telling them that, yes, the Smiths did have their own phone now and that they could no longer be reached at mine. I was not going to give out their number, so if they’d leave me a message, I’d see that the Smiths received it. Furthermore, if they expected me to pass along any messages, I needed to know who they were and who they represented. And, finally, my number was to be removed from their calling list, so this was their last chance to get in touch with them. They finally deigned to grudgingly give out the info I asked for. And they never called again–since they record these calls “for quality purposes,” they had my desires loud and clear!!

Other than that, I HAVE considered keeping a police whistle next to the phone–for the “don’t take no for an answer” type!

14

I’m thinking airhorn…

Esprix

15

[hijack]

Every time I move (not often, and always within Chicago city limits) I get a call from someone claiming to be with some Federation of Police Officers looking for donations - it’s bullshit, because the first time this happened I asked for the phone number to call back and when I called I got a District Station and they said it was bullshit and a scam.

Has this happened to anyone else? The guy tried to intimidate me into donating, that’s why I got the number. It happens every time I move.

[/hijack]

16

If you’ve got the nerve, a fun way to deal with telemarketers is to just come on to them.

Them: “Hi, this is Julie from Acme Long Distance, and we have a special offer for you today”

Me: “Julie…what a sexy name”

Them: “Um, thank you…uh, if you switch now you’ll get long distance for $.03/min.”

Me: “Julie, sweetie–you have such a hot, sexy voice”

Them: “Um, thank you–I”

Me: “Where are you at?”

Them: “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Where are you at?”

Them: “I’m at work! Now, if you switch now, I–”

Me: “What are you wearing”

Them: (Ignoring me)"–can offer you long distance for $.03/min.–"

Me: “Do you have a nice rack?”

Them: (Still ignoring me, but talking faster)" All it costs is just $4.00 a month and–"

Me: “Oh God, Julie, I’m getting hard. Oh, Julie I…I…Hello? Julie? She hung up.”

Next time I want to try it with a guy.

17

What, you’re going to offer Julie a threesome?

18

Not a bad idea, maybe I’ll proposition the next telemarketer with that one…

“How do you feel about a menage-a-trois?”

19

How about the following?

Pretend to go along with it for a wile and then say,

What would happen then? After all, the telemarketer doesn’t have any proof that it’s you, and not the mythical robber, doing the “agreeing.”

20

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by They Call Me Sneeze *
**

I am a Telemarketer. There, I said it and I don.t care!

I run into sort of the same thing in reverse. What I actually do is customer service calls for a carpet cleaning company. I call only previous customers or people who have requested a callback at a later date. See, what happens is, I’ll call the Smiths in, say, March. “Hi, Mrs Smith, I see we cleaned your carpets a year ago last Thursday, and I was wondering if you’d like to have them done again this year?” Mrs. Smith remembers us kindly, but the carpets look pretty good and she figures they oughtta hold out ‘til fall. I tell her I’ll give her a call in September and we hang up on good terms. Now come September, I call and get MR. Smith. He’s having a bad day, and has no idea that Mrs. has actually TOLD me to call. “Who? Carpets? I don’t need no damn carpets cleaned! Don’t bother me you stupid b****!” Whew! Talk about hazards in the workplace!
The other day I actually had good friends turn up on my list, in fact a couple from my Church group. I got him and we had a good laugh over it. He was surprised that they were on the list, and didn’t quite know how they got on it, since they had done the carpets with his parents machine. When I saw his wife a couple of days later she told me that actually she had called to ask about cleaning but hadn’t called to say "never mind’ when they decided to borrow the machine instead. He hadn’t known anything about it.
My point is, the line about “You called Us” isn’t always a scam. Sometimes it’s just a missed communication.
And please! No whistles!