It’s a tough one…I’ve been more and more recognizing myself as genderqueer for the past two/three years, and I don’t know how to tell people about it, the ones who have know me for quite a few years as a female-to-male transsexual.
Ok first the definitions I go by:
Where I hang on the internet or in real life, genderqueer can mean someone who is non gender normative in their clothes and attitude, to a bigger extent than once in a blue moon, often done on purpose to fuck with society’s perceptions to what a man/woman should look or act.
Or I see it also used to mean someone who doesn’t feel at all either like a man or a woman, trans or not: people who feel neuter, androgynous, multigendered, third-gendered etc, whatever they look or act.
In my case, I use it to express, to try to grasp the complexity of my identity. I don’t feel at home when I’m being referred to as a woman or girl, but boy or man feel more and more foreign either. I would prefer to avoid gender altogether.
My clothes are mostly unisex, and when I’m wearing something masculine or feminine connotated, I feel like in drag, I don’t feel “bad”, but I do feel it’s a cover, these clothes don’t “blend” with me, whether I enjoy or not wearing them.
I can be seen as anything in the streets, butch dyke, femmy fag, het girl, young teen boy or “what the fuck is that?!”.
Mentally wise I’m most at ease in a role usually seen as feminine: I like to be taken care of, to follow a lead, do things to people, make them happy, I’m scared of any physical or verbal aggressivity and of any confrontation in general, even mild. I genuinely like to clean and tidy up a place.
My favorites activities aren’t very masculine or feminine either.
I am also, and have always been highly comfortable with the lower part of my body and sexually wise I’m strickly a bottom and in BDSM context a submissive.
But I also feel more at ease with plenty of body hairs and am taking testosterone, love my deeper voice, and have had top surgery. I wear my hair really really short.
I don’t plan to change my name. I have took a male name but it desn’t fit, it’s masuline, I go by some neutral names with people who know me well.
For a joke I say in FtoM, I’m the “To”, that nebulous in-between space, but even that is not true because most FTMs feel pretty much male even before any body mods or while in transition.
Me I feel genderless nearly all the time, I began to question my boy identity, about, yeah, three years ago, lasting several months than reverting back to seeing myself as a boy, it went by cycles pretty regularly, but now I have had a steady “non-identity” for a year. It’s like being in a fog, a misty place.
I don’t feel a void, it’s like there is no place for a gender-based identity. In my day to day life I don’t say “oh I’m feeling quite neutral today!”, I just don’t feel anything.
I don’t know if I will keep on thinking/being like that or for how long.
It makes my head hurt, I don’t like feeling like that, even more since I feel like a “bad trans”, you’re not supposed to be transsexual then change your mind, but I must say I feel totally in my place, even if I don’t really know what it is.
With my boyfriend, I’m fine with him using different pronouns for me at different times, I had asked him to only use fem pronouns, to see how I would feel, but he didn’t managed to do it. Sometimes I’m his little gay boi, sometimes his soft butch girlfriend. Sometimes he likes me highly feminine and as a girl, sometimes he likes me truly looking like a young man.
He’s het by the way, hetero-flexible with some bi-curious leanings. He doesn’t get it at all but he never makes negative reflexions about all that.
I do have an interesting life though, that’s for sure.
