Inspired by another thread, and another story about sex.
I told this story to a friend and they told me i was essentially raped, i disagreed at first but have been thinking about it since.
Here it is from beginning to end.
I met a guy online and we decided to meet that night. I was a little bit drunk and told him that i was. We met at my house (as I had been drinking and couldnt drive) and then he took me for a drive.
We ended up in a local park because we didn’t really have a plan, we were both just looking for a quick blow job and you don’t really need big plans for that. On the way he said “So you’ve been drinking yeah?” and i said 'Yeah, with my brothers" and he replied “Yeah, i can smell it”.
So we parked and began making out, then the clothes came off and we starting performing oral sex on each other (the thing we agreed on), then during that he asked if he could give me anal sex. I said yes.
He started performing anal sex on me, and at the time i found it mildly uncomfortably but then found it slightly less so.
It was a very short time afterwards when i found it to become slightly uncomfortably but also that he was not wearing a condom.
This did worry me slightly because he was much bigger than I, and I felt as though i couldn’t stop things no matter what i did. I only thought as far as “Well, we’re doing it now, what can i do…”.
He then took me home and the next day I told my friend everything, and they were convinced i was raped.
He is a bit of a loose cannon but when thinking back I don’t like the mindset of “it’s uncomfortable, but i can’t say no because he’s bigger than me and a bit aggressive”.
While you were uncomfortable, you consented (“I said yes.”), and you didn’t withdraw your consent later. In addition, he didn’t threaten you. So I can’t see how it can be described as rape.
I’d say it wasn’t rape, because he can’t help being big and aggressive. It doesn’t sound like he threatened or even implied that he would use violence or force on you; you just assumed it was a possibility. Yes, that’s a sucky situation to find yourself in, but it’s not his fault.
First, if every time you have sex with someone when you’re drunk it’s rape, then we’ve all been raped. Second, from what I’m reading, he didn’t do anything to make you feel like he couldn’t be stopped. If I’m having sex with someone, and in the middle of it I decide it’s a bit uncomfortable and I would like it to stop, but I don’t say anything or give any indication of how I’m feeling, I have a hard time calling it rape.
You consented and did not withdraw consent. Regretting your actions, or regretting that you gave consent but not EXPRESSING that to the other person, does not constitute rape. Even the fact that you expected him to use a condom and then realized he didn’t doesn’t change that, because it doesn’t sound like you told him he needed to (though he’s a complete douche not to have used one, imho).
I don’t even understand how anyone could spin it to be rape, either.
I wouldn’t think so either. It was consensual sex, and you didn’t establish ahead of time that he was supposed to use a condom; in fact, you never mentioned it all. You didn’t convey any indication that you were objecting to any part of the action. There was no force or threat.
Not rape.
ETA: Wow- all those extra replies that weren’t there when I started typing…
I don’t know if his friends are this type or not, but there are some people who think that if there was any alcohol consumed at any point, it’s rape. If that’s the case, shut down every [del]rape breeding grounds[/del] bar on the planet.
Leaving aside the drinking issue MeanOldLady mentioned, the only thing I can think of is you didn’t want to have sex any longer but in your mind you were threatened by physical abuse or felt you would be overpowered and forced if you said something. You engaged in sex you didn’t want because of a perceived threat.
That’s a far reach though. Unless you had a previous record of his having hurt you when you removed concent, you would have no way of knowing he would hurt you so the threat had no basis. It’s different from a case where someone has been repeatedly hurt and no longer says something, but is not consenting.
Not only wasn’t it rape, but there was a whole series of really bad judgment on your part. A lot worse could have happened to you at several points in the story.
If we were in college and just gotten the lecture on Rape- then by the definitions in those lectures- you were raped. Pretty much impaired judgement= rape in all those videos they showed us freshmen back in the days.
:shrug: YMMV.
I think you were certainly taken advantage of, and it wasn’t a very nice thing to do to you, but it has been what it was, and if you’re okay and able to move on then all the better than to worry about the semantics of the issue…
If I have read it correctly, you were drunk enough not to be able to tell the difference between his using and not using a condom. In my way of looking at things, barebacking is definitely something that requires specific consent.
Also, the fact that you did not feel you could safely withdraw your consent is very worrying to me. Let me put it this way: if what you describe had happened to me, I believe I would definitely have felt that I was sexually assaulted.
Whether or not your experience meets your or my or anyone else’s technical or legal definition of rape, you are entitled to whatever feelings you have over it, and you should feel comfortable seeking whatever support you may need in dealing with them, not second-guess yourself on the basis of the opinions of some people on the Internet.
Also, you should get tested, and discuss post-exposure HIV prophylaxis with your doctor.
Is this rape? I think this is fully consensual, from start to finish. Were you too drunk to give consent? How can we know? At every step of the way, you happily agreed. He gave you every opportunity to say no, and you didn’t, and you state that only at the very last step did you maybe think no but feel uncomfortable saying it. You never gave any indication whatsoever that this was not what you wanted. You agreed to have sex, and never even asked about a condom. Did you use a condom during your blowjobs? You do know you can get STDs from oral sex, too. Or did you keep your eyes closed? Sure, he should have used a condom when you agreed to let him bang you. But it’s your ass. You never even asked. Then, afterwards, you say (to us) that maybe that wasn’t what you wanted, and why didn’t he act differently. You set yourself up, you offered yourself up, then got upset (silently) when he agreed to your desires. If you felt taken advantage of the next day, you need to take a long look in the mirror and figure out why you agreed to meet with someone and do everything you did yet bear none of the responsibility for your own actions. Maybe he took advantage of your insobriety. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe you were falling-down drunk, maybe you were just a bit tipsy. We’ll never know. Your complete passivity is a tacit agreement with yourself to allow someone else to do whatever they are going to do with no interference from you. If you feel like you were used or raped, then yes, see a counselor, but save a few sessions to figure out why you behaved the way you did and what you need to do so that you do not put yourself in that position again.
Note: I am not saying to blame the victim. I’m saying you could have ended up dead. Consider this your wake-up call. If, after you get drunk, you troll the internet for total strangers to be your sex partners, hook up and proceed to let them do whatever they want with you including having unsafe sex, then you need to quit drinking.
