I think it’s arguable, but only because he removed the condom without your informed consent.
Next time, please, do a better job of laying out ground rules. You have to give your partner the opportunity to do the right thing, and how will he know if you don’t say something?
I’m about to go to bed and will respond to everyone else tomorrow or the next day, but I’m not doing a big “oh pity me!” post.
I really have almost no problem with the situation, it’s just that when i explained it to a friend he thought i had been raped. Which i disagreed with.
I know that everything that happened was because i allowed it.
The real basis for this OP was my ‘feeling of "i could say no, but i don’t ‘really’ want to…’
I’m not looking for pity and I know i did make mistakes that night, we all do. I don’t think i was raoed and I am not playing the victim.
In the future, don’t get on a high horse just because you wanna look down on someone.
FYI, there wasn’t a condom to begin with.
Also just letting y’all know that this is my last post to this thread tonight because it’s way too late here and I need me some beauty sleep.
To whoever replies in the next 10 hours, curse you for making my iPhone beep!!
I’m still trying to get my mind around anal sex on the first meeting.
You still don’t get it, do you? You made some very bad choices, and the alcohol was just one of them. Any one of these choices could have cost you your life. Chances are, you’ve done this sort of thing before, and chances are, you’ll do it again.
If nothing else, please get yourself tested.
Nothing wrong with that, except there was no condom. Or do you have some other objection?
This was about 3 years ago and it was the only time it has happened.
I made some bad choices and i learned from them the FIRST TIME.
I got tested within 24 hours of this happening.
My response was towards the attitude of “you got yourself drunk and let someone do anything they wanted to you, so stop drinking!”.
Sure i only met this guy because i was drinking, but if i had been sexual with the same guy while i was stone cold sober i still would have had the same feelings of “uhh I dont wanna say no” as i did while i was drunk, hell, maybe I’d have actually SAID no and things could have taken a different path (or not).
Tell me that you’ve never made a decision that could have cost you your life, but that you only ever did that once and that you learnt a very valuable lesson from it.
Don’t try and educate me. I know damn well what i did and i know damn well what could have happened. I’ve done this once. Exactly once. This is probably the stupidest thing I’ve done in my life and I know that.
I do not need to be spoken down to about it and i do not need a lecture.
Honestly, i did start this thread because i thought even though I was really stupid in the scenario, i didn’t like how i felt during it. I didn’t like feeling that if I said no then it’d cause trouble.
I guess i wanted to hear not only that it wasn’t a big deal, but also that i was justified in how i felt.
Don’t tell me that i don’t get it.
No objection. I guess I was just suprised, despite the fact that I really shouldn’t be.
I usually go for a handshake, but we live in different times.
As a rule, I don’t let anyone probe any orifice of mine upon first meeting, but I’m old fashioned.
This gave me pause. Condoms should be the default, and I can’t help but think that having a discussion, however brief (‘I’m going to go get a condom’ ‘Do you have condoms?’), about them (and birth control, for heteros) before engaging in intercourse would help eradicate at least some of the ‘miscommunications’ people fear when it comes to sex (e.g. finding out your partner is too drunk to have a conversation without slurring, finding out your partner doesn’t want to have intercourse but felt too pressured to say anything).
You may have been a bit deceived as to what he requested and what you accepted. Your uncomfortableness indicates that something you were not expecting to be part of the deal was slipped in. IMHO There are spiritual aspects of sex which can sometimes allow one person to cause another to bear a burden from the first.
Nitpick–but would that really be conclusive? I’ve heard that it can take up to 3 months for an HIV test to come up positive from the last unprotected sex. So when you’re tested, you still don’t know for sure unless you’ve abstained from sex in the last few months.
You’re suggesting that he had a demon shoved up his ass, aren’t you?
::crosses MeanOldLady off the ‘wet-willy’ list::
Why do you do that? Why do you always start off a post so reasonable and normal and then it’s a one-two punch - either the second paragraph or the second sentence takes leave of reality completely? Why not just go with Thought 1 and stop?
This happened 3 years ago? And I got all worked up over nothing? I’ll go find somebody else to have a good talking to, now.
The attitudes in this thread have been interesting, I would express total agreement with the general theme as in bad choices made, not exactly rape but Mr Happy was taken advantage of.
To pick up on the big elephant in the room - I can’t help but wonder if the attitudes here would be different if instead of Mr Happy we were talking about Mrs Happy. Its quite a common theme in rape cases where the idea of “I was a little drunk and changed my mind after inviting him in but felt too threatened to say no” IS the same as rape
They would be very different. Women can consent all the way through the process and then regret what happened the next day because she was kinda tipsy, and he was big and she was intimidated, or she was afraid she would have to walk home in the dark, and etc. etc. and there are people who will say if you *felt *you were raped you were raped despite the man receiving consent at every stage.
In this context, from a ethical care perspective, a man would have to treat a woman virtually like a moral infant to be safe from accusation. Thankfully most women have more common sense than this, but there’s always a cohort of people who want desperately to play the victim card regardless of their behavior.
I wasn’t going to respond to this, but I have to.
First of all, you never said it happened three years ago, and that any advice would be pointless.
Secondly, nobody is speaking down to you or lecturing you; we are giving you honest feedback.
Thirdly, and most important, you started this thread, not me. You presented a scenario and asked for our opinions. We gave you our opinions, some of which you don’t like. Fine, we have all started threads that didn’t go as planned. One that I started a couple of years ago got very ugly . . . but honest. That’s the chance you take when you start a thread. You don’t get to decide how other people are going to react, and you don’t get to choose the direction of the thread.
Sure, the other guy acted irresponsibly . . . but so did you, at several points in the story. The difference is that he didn’t start this thread, you did. And even though you wanted this thread to be about his irresponsibility, it’s really about yours.
So my question is: Doesn’t the fact that you’re bringing this up after thee years indicate that there still are unresolved issues? After three years, why do you still need people (total strangers) to tell you that “it wasn’t a big deal,” and that you were justified in feeling that if you had “said no, then it’d cause trouble”? Sorry, you won’t hear that from me.
You still don’t get it.